Sexy times

I never seem to be able to get any in games. Even when there is a clear path to touching someones boobs or having a special cuddle with them I always make a mess of it and end up getting nothing. I know you’re stretching out your fingers to type in a comment about how that’s real life for you LOL but seriously If I can’t get some in a bloody game…! I did have a few ladies and a nice gent tucked away in various houses in Fable 2 but the one I really liked, an ex-prossie from Bloodstone, seemed to get into some kind of glitchy conversation loop with me. She was happy for me to set her up in a great house and take the huge housekeeping allowance but would she get on that bed? Would she hell! Frankly I thought that was a bit of a cheek given how she behaved towards me back in Bloodstone before we were properly acquainted.

I blew my chances in Mass Effect because I was nice to both Kaiden and Liara to the point were they each assumed I was into the other one and neither would ‘further their relationship’ with me. I tried again with the Asari, Samara in Mass Effect 2. She seemed interested and suggested that after all this was over we should spend some time together but that time never seemed to come for her. Obviously I had it off with Kelly my Yeoman but well let’s be honest Kelly would hump a hot loaf, wouldn’t she?

When it became apparent in Dragon Age: Origins that there were sexy times to be had I jut knew I was going to make a tit of it. So many conversation options, so many possible candidates for my affections, so many moral choices. I first had my heart set on Morrigan but it turned out she was super straight and… well… an evil witch. I then got friendly with bible basher, Leliana. Not only did she look a bit like Kelly from Mass Effect 2 but she was panting within minutes of meeting her. Unfortunately Alistair was warming to me at an equally fast rate and I ended up in yet another Mass Effect style stand off. I wasn’t having any of it so I told Alistair it wasn’t going to happen and concentrated fully on Leliana. There was a passionate smooch early on and I thought that might be my lot but I hadn’t yet triggered the achievement for romancing her. Even very close to the end of the game and with Leliana’s approval gauge maxed out not a nipple had been seen. I resorted to a walkthrough to find out that she ‘liked me too much’ and I had bypassed a conversation thread that would allow me to complete a sidequest with her that would loosen her knicks a bit. I had to make her like me less so I gave her rotten onions. Sounds stupid but it worked. She cooled to me a little after the onion giving enough for her to tell me her sidequest story. I went off and vanquished her foe and hey presto SEXY TIMES! You may thing a woman in her thirties sitting on her couch on a sunny Saturday afternoon doing her own ‘waka waka’ music to an in game sex scene is sad but… nope can’t think of any excuse actually.