The Crystal Maze

Dah, dah, dah, dah – de dah dah dah.

The theme tune automatically takes you there (okay, I have to admit it sounds much better than it does written down).  It’s the Crystal Maze. The proper one, with Richard O’Brien and Mumsie, rather than Ed Tudor Pole (although he has a funnier name ‘Ed Tudor Pole, well he chewed a tree beforehand and he prefers poles’ – okay, I have to admit it sounds much better than it does written down)

After I first downloaded the game, I spent more time just listening to the theme tune on an infinite loop than attempting to play it. After I remembered I actually had to review the game and not just reminisce, I embarked on my first trip… into the Crystal Maze! I am the team captain, with no useless team mates who might get themselves locked in and then to expect me to buy them out by trading them for a time crystal! Ha! Hell no, you’re staying locked in so I can have extra time in the Crystal Dome! And maybe win a bungee jumping holiday in France (as I found out from the app’s soundboard)

Firstly you have your four classic zones – Future, Industrial, Aztec and Medieval, none of that Underwater zone malarkey that replaced the Industrial zone in the non-Richard O’Brien series. Each of the zones has a game and when you go from zone to zone you get those polygony graphics of the zone layouts just like you got in the TV show – which gave me massive smiles.

I was expecting to pick from the four categories, physical, mental, skill and mystery. I always thought that if I was on the Crystal Maze TV show, I would probably be best at them all, except for skill.  Well it turns out you only have one choice of category and the first one had to be bloody Skill!  Typical. It also turns out that I really have no skill. You get a certain amount of time to complete each task so you can get a time crystal and if you don’t complete it and don’t leave the task in time you get locked in. Once you have been around the Crystal Maze, met Mumsie, got one of your team mates locked in because you are useless at skill games you get to go to the CRYSTAL DOOOOMMMME!

At the moment there are only four games – a crane grabber, a circuit board, a labyrinth tilt maze and a quiz – none of them are that great, and none of them that well executed (or maybe I am just useless at all the categories), although there is supposedly an update coming which will give us more options. There is also a soundboard where you can play audio clips of  ol’ Ricky talking to the future zone computer or playing on his harmonica.

I see this more as a toy than a game – it’s quite hard and it can be about as frustrating as watching an old episode when you can see what needed to be done on the mental challenge, but the team member taking on the task has no freaking clue how they should actually do it.  You’ll spend most of the time working out what you have to do instead of actually attempting to do anything.  I still can’t work out why I can’t get the crystal from the circuit board challenge, even when I’ve completed the challenge.