Listing Life Dangerously – Two Console Name Suggestions

By the time you read this, assuming you’re reading this, you may know more about the new PlayStation than I did when I wrote this, assuming I’m writing this.

Sony seem to be building up to a big announcement, and all the indications (don’t ask me to be more specific, I’m tired) are that it will be regarding their follow-up to the PS3. If that announcement comes, it will make the dreams of millions real – we will at last be faced with the next-gen pot of gold at the end of the interminable Xbox 360/PS3 console generation rainbow.

What’s that you say? We already have next-gen you say? What about the Wii U you say?

Getting the right name for their new consoles is crucially important for Sony and Microsoft. If they balls that up they might as well go home. Names are a big deal – if they get it wrong and call their new console “Hubert” or “Tarquin”, it’s never going to get laid.

Here’s what I suggest they do.

1. Call the new PlayStation the “PSPhwoar”

This one image took 14 hours to complete and cost £30,000. Journalism is hard.

Sex sells. Sony should put ideas like the Vita on the back-burner and remember that they sometimes need things to sell.

All races, genders, ages and fanboys will appreciate the massive plastic boobs strapped to the side of the console

The obvious answer is to call their new console the “Phwoar”. Punters will correctly think that the rhyming wordplay is quite clever, what with them expecting it to be called the “PS4”. All races, genders, ages and fanboys will appreciate the massive plastic boobs strapped to the side of the console. They could have a Blu-Ray player in each breast at once, giving people the awesome power of two Blu-Rays at once.

The nipples could be little PlayStation logos that spin around, like the one on the PS2’s disc tray. That would also be very useful, undeniably.

So that’s settled then.

Look at the little PlayStation logo. Imagine it as a nipple. Twice. Look me in the eye. Tell me I’m wrong.

2. Call the new Xbox the “X-Pod”

One of these contains a totally bitchin’ alien that’ll eat everyone awesomely. The other probably contains a vagrant. Which is more betterer?

The general consensus is that the new Microsoft console will be called the Xbox 720. That would make it twice as many as the Xbox 360. Twice as many whats though? Twice as many RRODs? Twice as many adverts on the unusable dashboard? Twice as many menus to click through just to buy some DLC?

Clearly it would be a nonsense to call their console the Xbox 720. What they need to do is re-brand to include the word “pod” in their product’s name. It worked for Apple, didn’t it?

If they wanted, Microsoft could pretend that “POD” is an acronym for something futuristic-sounding, like “Point Order Dismissal”. It wouldn’t be any less convincing than the stuff they said to get people to buy Kinect.

“Yeah, so, it’ll fly to the moon. It’ll fly you to the moon. It’ll bring you the moon. On a stick. Please buy.”

You can follow Simon (@MrCuddleswick) on Twitter here and also slowly by car if you want.

Last time on Star Trek: Listing Life Dangerously we learned all about three games I miss…







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