Pipe Dreams – E3 2012 Edition

It’s that glorious time of year where E3 is nearly upon us again. Which leaves people, like me, wondering just what glorious treasures are soon to be unearthed and presented to us. Luckily for me I don’t need to wait, because this is Pipe Dreams and I do not work here on rumours or leaks, my job is to say what I want and what other people want. Some realistic and others totally bat crap insane in terms of likeliness. Anyway, enough of the blabbering, it’s time for Pipe Dreams – E3 2012 Edition. Don’t you let me down, E3!

The world is already well aware that Nintendo will be showcasing the Wii U at E3. They’ve been bragging about this much touted iPad Wii mini for quite some time. The question is, what can they do to really impress the crowds at E3? Given that the Wii Regular has been somewhat side-lined since they released Carnival Games 2. I believe there need to be two major announcements:

1) Two tablet controllers at once. Nintendo has stated that there can be only one per console but they need to change that. That’s just not going to cut it. The biggest selling point you have (other than announcing you’re finally as advanced as your two main competitors) should not be limited like this. That’s like Microsoft announcing every other controller has to be made by MadCatz. It just spells trouble from every angle.

2) A new Paper Mario. No, not a Mario title, an actual new Paper Mario which will be exclusive to the Wii U. We’ve wanted one for years, we’ve been patient, and if it is not announced as soon as possible then the console will FAIL. So say I and my hyperbole.

I want a Valve announcement. Do I mean Half Life Episode 3? NO! I mean Valve. I want Valve to announce something. A new Steam console, a new IP, Team Fortress 3, a new Pacman hat – all of these things are acceptable announcements to me. I trust in Valve to not only not need my suggestions, but to actually excel any possible Pipe Dream I could throw forward. I’m almost certain if I asked for Portal 3 they would somehow surpass my expectations and announce not only a Portal 3, but Portal: Wheatley’s Fate.

The problem with Valve is that while their announcements tend to be met with nothing but love and cries of “Shut up and take my money”, they have a nasty habit of being few and far between, or even worse, an announcement teasing that there will soon be an announcement. Show up. Talk about your games. Leave with me trying to pre-order your game on my phone because I don’t want to wait until I take the four steps over to my computer. Easy money, Valve. Easy money.

Microsoft. Buddy, we need to have ourselves a little chat. You realise you were the first console of the current generation out of the gate, right? You were a solid year ahead of your next leading competitor. Now Nintendo is just going to show up and brag about finally doing 80% of what you’ve been doing for the past half decade? No no no. This should not stand. What I want you to do, Microsoft, is announce your next console.

Name it the Xbox 720, name it Microsoft’s Mini Machine, I don’t even care if you name it Xbox 362. You just need to step your game up, my friend. If you don’t make this move now then you’re pretty much 12 to 18 months away from being given a chance to do your big reveal and by then it just may be too late. You’ve got a new Gears of War, congratulations, I love it when companies release more games for series they promise will finish (looking at you, Halo 4. Dick.), but just announce that as a launch title for your next Xbox. BOOM! Buzz rises, pre-orders come flooding in, the Wii U what now? Microsoft continues to dominate. Also, make sure my current two years of Xbox Live Gold gets carried over to the next generation. That’d be swell.

I don’t even care if I’m the only person who still wants this (although it may kill me a little bit inside). Ever since Westwood Studios was sucked into the blackhole that is Electronic Arts the Command & Conquer games have been steadily getting worse and worse and I want the original studio to rebel from its EA captors. They show up at E3, announcing that they have returned and that they are making more RTS games.

I know it won’t be a Command & Conquer title, EA would let go of that franchise as easily as they would a Madden licence, but they could begin to create a whole new legacy. I already know a group of the developers banded together to create Petroglyph, and have been slowly building their way back up to making amazing new RTS games, but I want Westwood Studios back. They made my childhood, and grew me into the gamer I am today. I love Starcraft II, but I’d love it more if Westwood would finally make a triumphant return at E3 and announce something amazing. Just makes my insides ache knowing just how far fetched the whole concept really is.

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That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams, my name’s Duncan Aird and I approve these dreams.

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