A Thoroughly Modern Christmas

Excerpts from the diary of Sergeant Gary “Roach” Sanderson.

December 18 10:04
Tis the season to be jolly! We’re stuck here for the holiday season, but I’m feeling optimistic. Christmas spirit knows no boundaries and Santa can travel anywhere after all! Everybody’s pretty quiet about it, but I think secretly they’re just as excited as I am.

December 19 12:17
Drills today. Christmas spirit has taken a bit of a blow โ€” it’s bloody freezing out there. Outdoor work all this morning and it was cold enough to freeze a reindeer’s nuts off. It brought a whole new meaning to the term ‘stay frosty’. I’m still frosty and I’m wearing all my thermal gear. Indoors. Next to the heater. Which is on full blast.

December 20 13:42
Christmas spirit returned this morning! It snowed and I decided to go out and build a snowman and call him Frosty. I was looking for a twig or a gun part to use as his nose but then Captain MacTavish came along. He took the cigar out of his mouth and used it as the snowman’s nose. Frosty now looks kinda badass. The last time I saw him, his nose was still smoking. Damn, I wish I could afford to just throw away a whole cigar like that. Would it be bad form if I went back out there, took the nose and smoked the rest of it?

Son of a– somebody already took it! What kind of person takes a snowman’s nose?! Who stole my idea?!

Frosty minus nose :(
Frosty minus nose ๐Ÿ™

December 21 17:09
We played ‘Rappelling Down the Christmas Tree’ today. When I say ‘played’, I mean trained for two hours. And when I say Christmas tree, I mean the solid rock face that Captain Price had put tinsel on. When I asked about the tinsel, he laughed and said that baubles weren’t standard army issue. This may be true, but where did he get the tinsel from? I didn’t know they even celebrated Christmas in DELETED. Oh crap, I’m not supposed to reveal our location!

December 22 19:30
It wouldn’t be Christmas without product recall. We’re banned from using the Javelin until further notice and of course we haven’t been told why. Ghost seems rather put out, he’s been sulky all evening. I think he wanted to test it out on the Santa scarecrow he was building. One of the red flags went missing the other day and I caught him trying to steal my boots.

I was thinking of what presents to get everyone. They all laughed at my Secret Santa idea, especially Captain Price who said something about us having enough secrets in our lives. His laughter was a cross between hollow and maniacal, so decided to leave him to light another cigar. Why does everyone here have cigars except me? Where are they getting them from? I want some too!

Someone's idea of a joke on the noticeboard.
Someone's idea of a joke on the noticeboard

Present list:
Ghost: Balaclava. I swear I’ve only seen him wear the one and he hardly takes it off, it must be pretty grimy by now.
Captain MacTavish: Hair gel/grooming kit.
Captain Price: … I have no idea. He’s pretty legendary, I don’t know what to get him and he seems to have enough cigars (grr). Would he appreciate a moustache comb? What if it was a gold one? Can you even get those? What about a Swiss army knife moustache comb attachment?

December 23 11:00
I caught Ghost putting tinsel around everyone’s helmets. Where is all this tinsel coming from? And why did I get told off when I tried to put sprigs of holly in the holsters?

Captain MacTavish saw me writing the last bit and said it’s because nobody wants a spiky leaf in their armpit.

December 24 23:45
I give up, I don’t think anyone’s interested. Frosty was blown up in a stray grenade accident earlier, they’re not kidding when they say be careful of rolling grenades uphill. I spent some time today trying to sneak presents by everyone, they’re not wrapped or anything and now looking at them, it seems a bit silly. I don’t know. I can’t even hear sleigh bells in my head anymore, but maybe that’s a good sign that I don’t need to go to the army shrink. Going to bed now.

December 25 10:49
Everyone does care after all! Ghost is wearing his new red balaclava, Price’s moustache looks very neat and MacTavish’s mohawk looks freshly groomed. I also woke up this morning to find a candy cane in the boot at the foot of my bed! We’re sitting down to a meal later on and there’s only quick drills this morning! Somebody rebuilt Frosty during the night and he’s wearing a tinsel covered helmet, too. But best of all, look what everyone got me!

Merry Christmas!!
Merry Christmas!







4 responses to “A Thoroughly Modern Christmas”

  1. GraeXZ avatar

    I loved reading this, you should do more of these for other characters ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. MrCuddleswick avatar

    “a cross between hollow and maniacal” – ha ha

    I thoroughly enjoyed this, you should definitely do more!

  3. Susan avatar

    Thanks for finding the time to read inbetween all the turkey, guys. ^_^

  4. James avatar

    Rappelling down the Christmas tree? I though my cat was the only one who enjoyed that particular festive tradition. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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