Teh Chr1stm4s n00bz

Usually, a day or so after (I’ve recovered from) New Years Eve I get round to writing my Christmas thank you letters. Short and sweet messages to those kind relatives and friends who I couldn’t get around to visiting this year. Whilst thinking about the people I didn’t actually see but who made my Christmas that little bit nicer I realised that there’s a whole group of people that I don’t even know but want to whole heartedly thank.

To all those parents, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, life-partners and friends who bought their loved ones their very first brand new Xbox 360s I wish to show my appreciation for your contribution to my Christmas joy! For you see by giving this very decent present to Xbox Live virgins you have provided multiplayer fans like me with an abundance of that wonderful creature – The n00b.

With games like COD4 and Halo 3 being ever popular but now both over a year old the n00b shortage is obvious, inevitably having so much experience nearly every COD4 player is now a high ranker and/or an expert sniper. The Halo 3 crowd consists of dedicated fans who’ve played the game to death and the “Second Accounters”, ploughing their way through the lower skilled ranks scaring off any fresh meat that might fancy learning the dance.

So while I’m still satisfied with slowly ranking up and just having a laugh while trying to perfect my aim and evasion techniques the game has changed and things are feeling a little bit flat. There really is only way to do well in Halo 3 and that’s by getting good with the Battle Rifle. Four accurate BR shots to an opponent’s head combined with a controlled and unpredictable side to side strafe will land you the kill every time. The n00b of course doesn’t realise this, the Battle Rifle is almost useless if the player doesn’t know how to properly use it so it’ll usually get discarded for a much more flashy and noisy weapon. Pretty shiny n00b plus bright and colourful guns equals a very entertaining kill for someone who knows the maps and the weapons’ strengths and weaknesses.

I may seem cruel and heartless when presented with n00b killing opportunites but I only do it cause I love them so. They make me so happy inside, the way they stand still while sniping, how carefree they seem when they run out into middle of the map and how side splittingly funny it is when they think the rocket launcher can be used as a shotgun – BOOM!! Suicide!!

So thank you to the Christmas n00bz, good game! Thank you for my wins and the extra boost to my kill/death ratio. You won’t be around forever, you’ll get wise or get bored and eventually there will be no n00bz left again but you will be remembered and you will be missed, til next year that is!