Hello there my friend. Don’t be shy. Come on. Come in. Sit down. I’ve been expecting you.
You’re clearly an incredibly intelligent man/woman. I can tell simply by casting my gazing on your face/wallet/Pac-Man poncho.
I also know that you’ve come here looking for answers. Answers about what is to become of the binary witchcraft you know as video games. And I can help.
Just cross my palm with silver, and I will give you knowledge and foresight beyond the reach of mortal men.
Ah, I see you have chosen to pay in cash/Bitcoin/Nectar points. A thousand blessing upon you. May the great goddess Oyua make your load times short and keep your save files uncorrupted.
All that is left now is for you to decide upon the medium by which the cosmos will impart this information.
You have selected the crystal ball/Pokemon tarot cards/Super Monkey Paw. An excellent choice.
You have given me your trust, long card number and three digit security code. In return, I give you the future. Its name, is E3 2015.
Microsoft
– After the litany of problems encountered by online players of Halo: The Master Chief Collection, Microsoft will move to allay fears over similar issues blighting Halo 5 by unveiling the Lionel Richie matchmaking system. Whenever someone on your friends list logs into the game, their gametag will appear on your screen accompanied by the disembodied head of the velvet-voiced crooner singing, “Halo, is it me you’re looking for?”
– Microsoft will also use its 2015 E3 media briefing to announce The HD Collections: HD Collection. No actual games are included within the product, just a catalogue of high resolution shots of the box art for every HD collection released to date. Shortly after the show, however, scandal will rage when Digital Foundry run a series of tests that uncover that many of the images are reproduced at sub-720p.
– As its coup de grâce, Microsoft will end its show by bring Hideo Kojima onto the stage to reveal his new project, exclusive to Xbox One. It’s an entirely fictional stealth action game that sees the wronged ex-employee of a company called D’oh-nami on a revenge mission sneaking back into his old employer’s facility to recover his personal effects and leave his very own solid snake in the middle of the boardroom table.
Sony
– Sony’s E3 presentation will be less of a press conference, more of a victory party. Against the backdrop of a giant video screen that does nothing but count up in real-time the number of PS4s sold to consumers, first out will be Sony CEO Kaz Hirai, drunk, and attempting to run a victory lap of the auditorium.
After Kaz, has been wheeled away by paramedics following a botched attempt at a stage dive, an equally inebriated Andrew House will appear singing ‘Linvin’ La Vita Loca’. With his hot Latino crotch-thrusting to Sony’s handheld complete, House will be joined by a wrecked VP of Publisher and Developer relations, Adam Boyes. Together, the two will preside over a competition in which indie developers are put through a series of humiliating challenges in the hope their games will get funded.
With the business part of proceedings complete, the festivities will move on to the afterparty in a nearby strip club from which House will be ejected after jumping up on one of the podiums to dance with the performers. As he’s being carried away by security, House’s parting celebratory show of defiance will be a shout of “This, is for the PLAYAS”.
Nintendo
– Nintendo will use its E3 video address to declare that Amiibo has been upgraded from a toy to a fully recognised and legal religion. The simple minded followers of this new church (known as amiibas) will have to adhere to a strict set of ritual observances including use of the words “Mario be among you” as a parting phrase, a ban on all images of the prophet Mega Manhammed and the need to take a 10 to 15 minute break from worship every hour to avoid injury or illness. To celebrate the creation of this burgeoning faith, former CEO of Nintendo, now high priest of Nintendo Church Co., Satoru Iwata, will sacrifice a group of third-party developers on a alter made entirely out of unsold copies of the Wii U edition of Mass Effect 3.
– Nintendo will also officially announce its entry into the VR space with the Virtual Boy 3000. Based on the design of the original Virtual Boy, the 3000 will come with a neck brace and just one game: Epilepsy Simulator.
– As their parting bombshell, Nintendo will address the rumours surrounding its fabled next console codenamed the NX. To release Shigeru Miyamoto, from the pressures of game design, Nintendo will confirm that they have killed their head designer, plopped his brain into a jar and hooked it up to a super computer. Players will be able to connect to this new Franken-console, officially known as the Wii-amoto, from the comfort of their homes, allowing them directly access to all game ideas created within Miyamoto’s mind. Initially, the revolutionary system will perform well, but after only a short time the Wii-amoto will attempt to destroy mankind by taking control of every user’s system, but will ultimately fail because no one will exchange the necessary friend codes with it.
EA
– EA will use E3 2015 to display its commitment to the highly prized Star Wars licence it currently holds by setting out key parts of its new internal company culture:
- Employees must come to work every day dressed in Star Wars cosplay.
- All meetings will now be conducted in R2-D2 robot speak.
- There will be no public confirmation of the existence of Mirror’s Edge 2: Jar Jar Binks Parkour Party, or the full scale Death Star being constructed in orbit by EA Redwood Shores (now Bioware Endor).
Ubisoft
Ubisoft will announce two further collector’s editions for their upcoming London-based Assassin’s Creed game, AC: Syndicate. The ‘Cor, Blimey Govnor’ Edition will include a copy of the game, a Pearly Kings and Queens outfit and a Chaz and Dave statuette that sings ‘Any Old Iron’, while the ‘Shut It You Slag’ Edition comes with a lifetime supply of jellied eels and Danny Dyer.
Activision
Activision’s E3 presentation will be focused around the company’s new policy of brand fusion with the first title to emerge from this money-squeezing initiative being Tony Hawk’s Guitar Hero Black Ops. After Tony’s favourite half pipe was destroyed by ISIS the Hawk has an axe to grind and he’s not going to let the bad guys skate. It’s going to be a case of Shred, Dead, Redemption.
Bethesda
Bethesda will stun everybody with the news that Fallout 4 will actually be set in a post-apocalyptic Torquay. Which looks marginally more pleasant than present day Torquay.
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