Finding ‘Me’ Again

2012, for all intents and purposes, has been a bit pants. Not necessarily for games, but for my inability to play them. Back on new years day I, along with many I know, had this feeling that 2012 would be a year of change. I was preparing to buy my first home, move out of my parents’ place, and start that ‘being an adult’ thing I hear so much about. For the year I hit the big 3-0, I thought it was about time to give it a try.

Three weeks into January my father passed away; a shockwave which would ripple through any family. For me it was a catalyst for change in my life, that has since caused an absolute roller-coaster of emotions and upheavals over the past nine months. While I have had many positive things happen (I’ve had a promotion at work and did in fact buy a house), it’s all felt so much of a struggle that I’ve found it incredibly difficult to keep my sense of identity through all the events this year is bringing, and been left very much in need of a remedy.

For me, my Dad is the reason I am a gamer. If it hadn’t been for his love of puzzles and technology, I would have never been introduced to computer games and the enjoyable challenges they bring. Initially, his loss didn’t have that much of an effect on the way I gamed, but as life without him began to sink in, I found it increasingly difficult to pick up a controller without a sense of emotional pain that his loss caused because it always reminded me of him.

Although I have started to come to terms with that pain, my life has been complicated with so much extra responsibility that now I actually feel able to play, I rarely have time to. Our house is virtually a building site, which has rendered me as living out of boxes at my ‘in-laws’ house, and due to the extra responsibilities and commuting to work, when I get home in the evening, those three hours that I normally got to spend by feeding my gaming habit, is now often spent getting ready for bed instead.

The result? I’m starting to wonder when I am going to feel like me again. Gaming has been such a huge part of my life for the past three decades that, to not feel able, or not have time to enjoy video games is like having one of my limbs chopped off; a dramatic statement, yes, but very much the case. To not be actively enjoying, playing or writing about video games is like losing a piece of who I am, and has left me feeling like a stranger in my own skin.

People have reassured me that I just need to find my new rhythm; to give myself time to get to grips with my new life. For the first time in nearly 2 months I’ve actually turned on my Xbox 360 for a reason other than watching a movie, thanks to Borderlands 2, and the feeling of enjoyment it brings me to just sit and play again is virtually indescribable.

I can only hope that vault hunting through Pandora will reconnect me with… well, me. While I still have some time to go before I can do something as simple as live in my own home, and readjusting to my new life, to be able to enjoy a comfort like playing a console is some small step towards getting back on track.

Enjoy my lull; once I find myself again I will certainly revel in telling you all.