Press SeX to Continue – Grand Theft Auto (NSFW)

Welcome to the kinky corner of Ready Up. Here we can relish in the naked form, both male and female, and what better person to guide you than me. Zoey at your service, your resident sexpert both in and out of the virtual world, and this issue, your guide to the sordid world of Grand Theft Auto. Let’s face it, when Rockstar and controversy got into bed together they thoroughly enjoyed themselves and made it a regular booty call. Luckily for us, a large part of this controversy comes in a regular installment of gratuitous sex in the GTA games.

Since GTA III introduced us to the humble health regenerating prostitute, there’s been a tradition of scantily clad women and occasionally nude men running around our sandboxes. Whilst prostitutes are all that’s on offer in the world of sex in GTA III it was definitely a firm foothold for expansion in later games. It’s pretty simple; find prostitute, pay her, hear some seedy goings on in the back of a car and walk out feeling like a new man.

Next came Vice City, in which you now have to split your hard-earned pocket money between hookers and the strip club. As a shrewd businessman there’s nothing more sensible than investing in a strip club. It means you can wander in and out as you please and it means management give you a “special dance” when you make the club a haven for breasts and piles of dollar bills. Let’s face it, regardless of the economy at the time, people will always like breasts.

The next installment in the GTA franchise was San Andreas, which seemed harmless enough on the surface. Sure, the prostitutes and strip clubs still lingered, but the new addition appeared to be fairly tame – the ability to date. You can build up a relationship by regularly checking in and doing whatever your woman likes, be it a leisurely drive or maybe dinner. If you succeed in wooing her correctly she may invite you in for coffee. Some smoking hot, raunchy, dirty coffee that just might have been removed from the final game. Yep, this is the shocker in San Andreas, although you’d have to have lived under a rock to not be aware of this by now. Although the finished product gives you nothing but a tirade of sex noises as the camera remains outside, the original coding features a sex minigame featuring nudity, blowjobs, and an excitement meter to judge when you’re going to climax. Obviously the aim is to keep her excited without spilling your load so position and tempo changes are the way to go. The fact that this part of the game was hidden doesn’t really make this x-rated segment that inaccessible though as simply entering a code can unlock it on any copy. Rockstar were so keen to hide it that it was patched in later copies, but sure enough, people are stubborn when it comes to nudity, and you can still access it if you know how.

So, on to GTA IV, in which even the prostitutes were upgraded. No longer a one trick pony (pun intended) they now have different prices depending on whether you’re looking for a handjob ($20), a blowjob ($50) or full-blown sex ($70). The strip clubs, too, have had an overhaul with private dances available with one, or two(!) girls.

The girlfriend sidequests, whilst no longer having any hidden coding, are expanded to give you more choice. If you don’t like the women you’re introduced to you can do some internet dating to find someone a bit more your taste. With each girl having different kinks it can be hard to choose, but I have to go for any girl who texts naughty pics of herself.

As another GTA starts to loom, we can start to imagine what wonders await us, but spare a thought for girls who started it all. Sure they’ve got a bit more skilled and have better hangouts now, but at the end of the day they’re still a health regenerating whore.

Join me next time as we continue our journey into the world where sex and video games collide. And remember: it’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot.