Splatoon Must Be Banned: We Must Save Our Kids From Corruption

Video games are known for their disgusting lack of morality and humanity. For years now they have corrupted generation after generation, caused wars, increased crime rates and resulted in the creation of the Big Bang Theory. Video games are worse than drugs, worse than organised crime, they are the single biggest danger to modern society. Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat, Beautiful Katamri and Call of Duty all train our youth to kill from the day they are born. Blood, gore, senseless murder, unholy messages… how could things get any lower?

The ‘art’ form of debauchery has taken yet another step closer to Satan’s throne room of sin with the recent release of Splatoon. Produced by cultists Nintendo, Splatoon is a direct message to society’s children, and that message is dangerous. I, Sean Halliday, call for the banning of this game, which displays corrupt qualities like no other. No other game blissfully revels in the destruction of innocence like Splatoon does, it’s quite simply the biggest danger to family life since denim.

Splatoon encourages mass vandalism and gang warfare. The core game consists of two rival gangs spreading their tag across the entire environment. No wall is safe, the game demands OUR children cover each and every corner with their tag. This turf war has of course resulted in conflict between the two gangs. Fighting over the right to tag their territory has created a number of violent incidents in which people have been blinded by splats to the eyes. The saying ‘an eye for an eye’ has never been so true, but what happens when all the eyes have been accounted for? We end up with a blinded future generation.

The youth aren’t just blinded by splats, they’re also blinded by greed and hyper consumerism. Splatoon teaches our children that gang violence pays well, allowing them to buy fancy new clothes and toys. This is a deadly message, how can we progress when our youth is so willing to fight for money purely to buy some new shoes? Splatoon also teaches our kids to buy stolen goods from drug dealers, as made clear by the crystal meth addict who steals to order.

Screen-shot-2015-01-26-at-5.38.48-AM

Nintendo’s latest sacrilege preaches that the adults should fear the youth. Splatoon is populated by blood thirsty children, veterans of gang tagging wars. The only adult within the game lives in fear, choosing to hide in the sewers rather than take his chances up top. Splatoon wants our kids to force us underground, allowing them to run amock, allowing Nintendo to rise to power. Do you want your kids in Nintendo’s unholy trinity?

Every little piece of Splatoon is a spit in the face of the civilized world. Its map design (when viewed in a mirror collectively) forms the face of Marilyn Manson vomiting into a bible. The music is exclusively Satanic chanting, with mantras dating back from the dark pre-internet days. ‘You’re a kid now, you’re a squid now’ roughly translated into Latin, then into American reads ‘Arise devil blood, arise my corrupted kin, feast upon this world, lay death and decay, unholy master’.

Ask yourself this, would you sacrifice your child? Would you take a dagger to their heart? If the answer is no, then ban them from playing Splatoon. Ban them from a life of sin, corruption and misery. Defy the false idol known as Amiibo, reject Nintendo and their poisoning of modern life. Splatoon is but the tongue in the devil’s mouth, rip out that tongue, save your children, end Spaltoon.


Posted

in

, ,

by

Comments

2 responses to “Splatoon Must Be Banned: We Must Save Our Kids From Corruption”

  1. Nick Peterson avatar
    Nick Peterson

    This article is a joke it’s.

    1. Sean Halliday avatar
      Sean Halliday

      It’s deadly serious. We need to end this filth.

Leave a Reply