Pipe Dreams – Conker’s Other Bad Day

Have you ever been so wasted that you got into an ass-kicking contest with a pitchfork? How about so hammered you sang a duet with a giant pile of shit? Perhaps even drunk enough to become royalty? If you have, then you’re either Lindsay Lohan or you’ve played Conker’s Bad Fur Day on the Nintendo 64.

However, though Conker: Live & Reloaded was definitely a thing – a re-release of the original Conker’s Bad Fur Day only with no swearing and a multiplayer mode (that hurts to type) – there has been nothing seen from our wankered furry little buddy in the last 8 years. Well, having done some digging, I have discovered there was once a sequel, “Conker’s Other Bad Fur”, all planned, written, and ready to go. It just never came into fruition. Why the hell not?! The time is now. Pipe Dream. Conker’s Other Bad Fur Day. Right now.

Before you cry MS Paint, that image is true to the original Conker logo. Conker’s Bad Fur Day was originally developed by Rareware Studios way back in 2001 and was one of the last big new IP launches on the Nintendo 64 – as the GameCube was released a mere six months after BFD. It was about a drunken squirrel’s tale of how he woke up hungover, stumbled across an array of colourful characters – including a giant talking turd, and bitter sexist bee King – and was the most inappropriately foul-mouthed video game character ever devised. The first level even involved trying to piss as much as possible.

It was surreal at the time to see such a mature, 18+, foul-mouthed title on a Nintendo console. To this day I don’t know how Rareware convinced Nintendo to publish it.

Back then Rareware was a second-party developer for Nintendo (meaning that Nintendo owned 49% of the companies shares), and this partnership definitely lead to them becoming the golden child of developers for the Nintendo 64. Perfect Dark, Donkey Kong Country, Killer Instinct, GoldenEye 007 (AKA GoldenEye 64), Banjo-Kazooie, Donkey Kong 64, Diddy Kong Racing, AND Conker’s Bad Fur Day – Rareware were the god damn Beatles of video games. Every single game they released was a critical and commercial success, regardless of genre. Rareware weren’t known for great shooters, or amazing platformers, they were simply known for unparalleled excellence in making video games.

Then something happened. Something so tragic, fear-inducing, and soul-crushing that it makes my heart wince at the mere mention: Rareware, in its entirely, was purchased by Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft released Conker: Live & Reloaded on the original Xbox, a Conker game with no swearing and a multiplayer mode, six months before the Xbox 360 was launched and haven’t touched the IP since. Now Rareware has been rebranded as simply ‘Rare’, hasn’t released a direct sequel to a single IP they own since their acquisition (minus Perfect Dark Zero in 2005), and makes Kinect Sports games. Say that last sentence out loud to yourself, and realise how pitifully depressing it truly is.

You really don’t know what it is you have, until it’s gone… gone… gone.

Why was there never a true sequel to Conker’s Bad Fur Day? A foul-mouthed, colourful, tongue-in-cheek, topical, fourth wall-breaking platformer would be brilliantly recieved in this day and age. Now more than ever is the AAA market saturated with the same movie tie-ins, modern military shooters, and repetitive copy-cat titles. Rayman Origins is the only boxed AAA game daring to stand proudly as a modern day colourful platformer.

Were Conker’s Other Bad Day written in the same ink as the first, with a smart, well placed marketing campaign, there’s no possible way it could fail. It’d even have the full support of Microsoft now, who have plenty of budget to throw towards their first party developers.

According to Chris Seavor, leading game designer and project leader for Conker’s Bad Fur Day, this was all set and done. They had even gone as far as to write the first two drafts of the sequel’s screenplay: “We actually started on a direct sequel which was going to be called ‘Conker’s Other Bad Day‘ which dealt with Conker’s somewhat unsuccessful tenure as King. He spends all the treasury money on beer, parties and hookers. Thrown into prison, Conker is faced with the prospect of execution and the game starts with his escape, ball and chain attached, from the Castles highest tower.”

So wait, if the original creator and visionary behind BFD had done all this leg work, why did it never happen?: “If Microsoft asked for another Conker I’d be more than happy to oblige, all things considered,” Chris said, on the record, back in 2008. Microsoft, please give this man a huge pile of money and let him make the sequel he wanted to make half a decade ago. Do a Kickstarter if it’ll put your mind at ease, just give Conker the chance the developers always wanted for him.

Unfortunately, it is my duty to begrudgingly say that Chris Seavor, lead designer of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, graphic designer for the original Killer Instinct, and voice of Gruntilda in Banjo-Kazooie, was fired from Rare in 2012 due to a difference of opinion on where the company should be heading. This isn’t enough to kill the dreams of Conker’s Other Bad Day one day for me, though, not a damn bit.

If I may quote from the end of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, as strangely I think Conker may have put it best: “It’s true what they say. The grass is always greener, and you really don’t know what it is you have, until it’s gone… gone… gone.”

That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams, my name’s Duncan Aird and I approve these dreams.

Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively, you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if you think Microsoft purchasing RARE was the worst thing to happen to any developer ever.