Press SeX to Continue – The Eighties Retrospective (NSFW)

Welcome to the kinky corner of Ready Up. Here we can relish in the naked form, both male and female, and what better person to guide you than me. Zoey at your service, your resident sexpert both in and out of the virtual world. This issue it’s time to take a look down memory lane and see what was available back in the eighties. If censors were paying attention to videogames back then I don’t think half of these would have been cleared for release!

Our first game takes us back as far as 1981 and was subtly titled “Softporn Adventure“. Unsurprisingly this was a title for adults only, but then it’s not like every household could afford the Apple II that it ran on. It was indeed this game that inspired Leisure Suit Larry. You played a down on his luck would-be Casanova who needed to find various items to help him woo women of varying attractiveness. Whilst it may not have been an immense hit it certainly paved the way for things to come.

Then came Night Life for the PC-8801. It was essentially the first e-guide for couples on how to spice up their love lives. It contained a collection of black outlined “photo-aids” aka low-rez porn, a calendar to help women track their periods (seriously!) and a nice collection of sex positions you might want to try. Although it’s a million miles from The Virtual Encyclopedia of Sex it was certainly a decent tool at the time.

Mystique, a company affiliated with a video porn company then decided to gift the then-gamers with not one, not two but three pornographic releases in 1982. All were gifted titles such as “one of the worst video games of all time” but for our purposes they’re pretty amusing. Bachelor Party was basically an erotically skinned version of Breakout. The game was played sideways rather than the traditional up screen movements and involved bouncing a naked man with a hard-on towards a wall of equally naked women. Once each woman is fucked she is eliminated from play and the man is returned, with a sagging manhood, to the paddle representing a sexual stimulant, then readies his erection for the next bounce. A sequel in which the characters were reversed was also released under the title of Bachelorette.

Not content with turning one harmless game into a porn extravaganza, Mystique also made their twist on Kaboom! when they created the aptly titled “Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em”. In this game you play two women who you can move back and forth on the ground whilst a more than well-endowed man constantly masturbates on the roof. You have to manoeuvre the women so that they swallow the falling semen, at which point they lick their lips. A successful 69 points gave you another life. Bizarrely there’s a gender-reversed version of this too, in which the males have to swallow breast milk (each to their own but I’ll pass on this one!) before coming everywhere.

Last up is a game most people have heard of if they’re old enough – Custer’s Revenge. I’m not going to give a history or social studies lecture as I’d rather be the student than the teacher in that role-play, so let’s skip straight to the gameplay. You play General Custer and your outfit of choice is the skin you were born in, a pair of boots and a blue Calvary hat. With an erection that puts porn stars to shame you only have one thing on your mind: the naked Native American woman tied to a pole in front of you. Unfortunately the Native American men aren’t too pleased about your lust and try to stop you reaching her with arrows (big surprise, there’s a gender-reversed version with the woman avoiding cannonballs to reach the General’s… general). There were issues with the apparently non-consensual sex so later versions had the woman gesture to approach. I believe it was consensual and she just liked some kink and rope-play but that’s just my opinion.

Join me next time as we continue our journey into the world where sex and video games collide. And remember: it’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot.