How to lose friends and alienate people (and Argonians, and Khajiit, and Daedric Lords…)

Seeing as for the last month I’ve been doing nothing but coming home from work, playing Skyrim and sleeping, it’s a foregone conclusion that this latest blog entry will be about Modern Warfare 3. No, just kidding, it’s about Skyrim (bet you didn’t see that coming). Having read Celeste’s recent blog I can see I am not alone in this. So the question is, what to write about this most epic of games that hasn’t already been said? Well, seeing as I’ve already alienated most of my real life friends by sitting indoors wandering an all too immersive virtual world rather than returning their calls (imagine the Dom Joly sketch: “HELLO! Yeah, I’m in a dungeon killing skeevers! Yeah I’ll call you back.”), I figured I’d look into some ways to piss people off in Tamriel as well.

First off the bat, play as a Rogue. Be a sneaky bastard and take what you want from who you want. With a high enough sneak and pickpocket skill you can even steal the Jarl’s breakfast from his plate. And after he’s made you a Thane the guards can do naff all about it. Serves them right for being bigots.

There’s a civil war going on in Skyrim, so what can be more enjoyable for the psychotic practical joker than planting subversive literature in the rooms of high ranking officials of either side? Why, is that a copy of Nord Arise! I see on the bedside table of the Imperial army’s legate? Tssk. Sheogorath would be proud.

Join the Dark Brotherhood. Nothing gets people’s dander up like a good old fashioned bit of murder. It seems everyone wants someone else dead, so now killing people can reap you financial benefits. On top of that the Dark Brotherhood are pretty snappy dressers, so it’s a win-win set up.

Recycle Quest items. It’s good for the economy. Now you’ve returned that impoverished farmer’s priceless family heirloom and collected the meagre reward he’s managed to scrape together by starving his family for three months, simply wait for him to return to his ploughing and relieve him of said quest item. It’s sure to fetch a good price with a fence at the thieves guild and it’s not like he’s going to make any use of it, right?

Don’t limit your reign of terror to the people of Skyrim. The land has an incredibly rich ecosystem, including the semi-peaceful giants herding their mammoths across the landscape. Level up your archery skills and get a nice sneak attack on one. He won’t like it very much but he won’t be around long enough to complain. Just make sure you don’t get caught by a rampaging mammoth – sheesh, you’d think they’d be happy you’ve set them free from domestic servitude!

Make good (or, more accurately, bad) use of the black soul gems often to be found on the corpses of necromancers. Black soul gems are used to capture human souls, a practice frowned upon by civilised society, but embraced by one such as you. The next person that annoys you will find themselves ignominiously being used to reinforce your breeches with a water breathing bonus, and just to add insult to injury make sure you get really sweaty with all that dragon slaying and do some pelvic lunges. Well, it served him right for charging such extortionate prices for a room in the first place.

Perform acts of public indecency. Try selling your equipped clothes to the local smith and take pleasure in running around the town square in nothing but your jock strap and your amulet of greater magicka.

Get married to your housecarl and constantly demand she cook you meals like the good old fashioned male chauvinist pig of a Nord you are. Well, she was knocking around the house anyway so you might as well put her to good use…

Finally a warning: your conscience can play funny tricks on you. Early in the game I double crossed a man named Louis Letrush who was trying to get me to steal a horse from Maven Blackbriar, a woman even more ruthless than myself. Having left him to his doom, presumably at the hands of Maven’s assassin’s, imagine my surprise when I found three copies of his character model standing outside the gates of Whiterun, one of which was simply a torso standing on the road! I’m trying to tell myself it’s a glitch, but maybe Talos is telling me to look at the errors of my ways… nah!