Bioware’s Boys

Bioware are really quite good with their games
From Jade Empire to Old Republic, Mass Effect to Dragon Age
While their stories are great and gameplay is stellar
Where they really excel is in making a fella.

Bioware boys are quite special, take a look and you’ll see
They’re good looking, sweet and cool – perfect, virtually
For a girl who wants a boy or a boy that way inclined
They have lots to offer – there are romances of every kind

Your first option in space is Kaidan Alenko
A soldier, a sentinel and on Horizon, a psycho
Who bitches and whines as Shepard stands there confused
(Unless it was Ashley your Shepard did choose)

If a sentinel’s no good, then what about the two
Other non-human males who are part of your crew?
Garrus calibrates really well; he slots things in place
You might find it sexy that he’s missing some of his face
He can still show your Shepard his reach and flexibility
Compliment Shepard’s hair, hips and fighting ability
Then there’s Thane the assassin, a drell who’s quite broody
All those traumatising flashbacks would make anyone moody
Sure he’s dying, but who isn’t on this suicide mission?
Keep him dry, keep him sweet and he won’t mind his condition

If you don’t like the stars then come back down to the ground
Where there are plenty more romanceable males to be found
In the Dragon Age year something-something (I forget)
There are several more males awaiting you yet

You can choose Zevran – unfussy but flirty and fun
Pop into the Pearl for a cheeky threesome
Or what about Alistair, my personal fave?
Grey Warden, ex-Templar, cute, funny and brave
He’ll give you a rose and if you’re human, make you queen
(Anora’s quite pretty but she is rather mean)
He’ll be shifty and unsure if you’re a dwarf or an elf, though
And make you a ‘consort’ instead… the less said, the better, so…

Maybe in Kirkwall you’ll find someone to love
In the shadow of the twin statues that loom up above
Become Anders’s temptation – get two for the price of one?
But beware, he’ll test your love before the game is done
Still if you don’t mind his angst, authority issues or cats
He’s attractive, makes you laugh and is a healer too – quite a catch!
Or shoot cupid’s arrow right at Sebastian’s heart
If you’re looking for sex though, too bad, that’s not a part
Of a chaste romance with a Chantry-sworn brother
Yet he’s a nice guy to introduce to your mother!
If you like moody and dangerous, then Fenris is your guy
Although if you’re a mage, you’re going to have to be sly
The work is worth it though – that voice will make you melt
Every fantasy game needs a sexy, tortured elf

So there are your options – let’s admit, there are a few
For a Shepard or Hawke to choose in a playthrough or two
Go on, have a go, exclusive dialogue awaits
That you won’t see if the boys are simply your rivals or mates
I love Bioware’s boys – I’m a romantic you see
They make the games extra fun – roll on Mass Effect 3!