Coins: Circular, Shiny… Pointless.

One of the things that non-gamers frequently say to me about gaming is – “What’s the point?”

Ironically enough, the question itself is a pointless question, and one that can easily be countered by saying something like “What’s the point of Eastenders?”

What the heck is all this about? I don't even know, and I've played Wolfenstein.

Sometimes, however, they are right. I was recently playing Wolfenstein while my plumber was replacing our entire heating system. He expressed an opinion that it all seemed a bit pointless, and as I was both playing Wolfenstein and talking to someone with a proper job, I was forced to agree. Wolfenstein is, frankly, a bit pointless. It’s not a bad game. But it left me cold, and when I finished it I just felt… meh.

Pointlessness incarnate

It’s not, however, the most pointless game I play. I feel that I have to air my dirty laundry now, right here on the washing line that is Ready Up. The most pointless game I play is called Coin Dozer, and it was free on iPhone. What it is, is an iPhone version of one of those “penny falls” games you find in the seaside resorts. You know, you drop your 2p in, and it slides down the waterfall and hopefully knocks a few other coins off, and those coins go INTO YOUR POCKET. Except you don’t really want a pocket full of two pence coins, so they all go back into the machine, until you lose. So – the real game is quite pointless. The iPhone “simulation” is more or less exactly the same, just made less (and also strangely more) pointless by the fact the game gives you free coins as you play it. (And in a stroke of genius, even when you aren’t playing it.)

Of course, what this does is makes the coins worthless. You get them for free, for doing fuck all. It’s like being unemployed and on the dole. Yet still, somehow, it seems important that you win more. But that’s not the real stroke of genius – just like the real machines, the deal is sweetened by the game throwing in a load of pointless, plastic, prizes. I know at the seaside I’ve played about £3 worth of 2p coins just to win a fake silver photo frame, or a miniature pack of playing cards. In Coin Dozer, though, the prizes accumulate, and if you collect one of each colour you are awarded with something useful. A power-up, if you will. Something that gives you more coins, quicker regenerating coins, or just more coins overall. Something, in short, that will help you obtain MORE COINS!

It’s collecting the things that give me more coins that I have become obsessed with, even though, as I mentioned earlier, the coins are worthless. The only way I can see myself breaking this horrible addiction, is to collect all of the tiers of all of the prizes, and then I can stop. There will be nothing left to do, and I can take a deep breath, delete the app and walk away.

Except for one thought – if I do that, who will collect my coins? My beautiful, precious, pointless coins…







One response to “Coins: Circular, Shiny… Pointless.”

  1. The Rook avatar
    The Rook

    If they wanted to make it more real they should change it so you don’t win and put the iphone down, then as the next person picks it up and has ONE go, they win big. Or how about just an alarm going off if you shake the iphone in an attempt to tilt the coins over the edge.

    I have only tried one game on my new phone that was already installed, tilt the phone and roll the metal ball across the surface and into a target hole. I should look for another pointless game for my phone.

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