Hello players, how are you? Fantastic. Does your game look like mine? No? Look at your game, now back to mine, now back at your game, now back to mine.
Sadly your game isn’t mine, but it could be if you stopped playing Final Fantasy XIII and started playing Final Fantasy VII.
Do you want the smell of adventure?
Do you have an awesome dude with a Gatling gun for an arm? My game does. Yours just has a dude with a chocobo in his hair. And that’s just sad. Think of all the faeces this man must have in his hair.
Do you want characters that swear a lot, aren’t depressing emo kids and have a huge in-depth story? Of course you do.
Do you have awesome characters called Tifa and Cid, and not annoying beeatches called Vanille and, er, the rest of them? I didn’t think so.
I have a main character who dabbles in cross dressing and in some burly man loving at the Honey Bee Inn. I have an entire Chocobo racing game! And betting and mini gaming at the Golden Saucer.
You have hovering save points in the middle of an otherwise deserted canyon. What’s up with that?
Look left, look right, where are you? Are you in a linear environment with repeated backgrounds which burn your retinas as you run along a path you’re sure you just ran down five minutes ago? Yes you are. I however, am free to roam in an open world environment with an awesome, gritty futuristic setting, with many different locations, with shops that I can… wait for it… actually walk into like real shops. All of which is made better knowing none of these will be filled with weedy characters called Hope.
You, you are stuck with a girl, with gingery pink hair, who laughs like an idiot for no reason for most of the game, and follows after you like a dog with a mental problem who always believes you have treats in your back pocket, even when you do not.
I have Sephiroth, perhaps the most complex and interesting size zero villain ever in a game. His luscious silver locks wrap around the contours of your body whilst he talks about how much he loves his mother.
And what do you have? Several hours running between thin tunnels for what seems like an eternity. An eternity with unlikeable characters, swimming in a pool of cheesy dialogue and voice acting and unable to escape the stilted sharks of a frustrating battle system.
While I swan dive into the most rewarding gaming experience of my life.
I have Final Fantasy VII!
Look again, Final Fantasy VII is now Mithril. I’m on a chocobo!
N.B. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking like a man who can create a dream kitchen with just his right hand and turn tickets to your favorite show into diamonds with his left, you really need to see this.
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