If It Were… Opposite Day

Goodbye.

I would really enjoy the corridor based combat of Final Fantasy XIII. I love games that require grinding but don’t actually allow you to do it.

I would go back and complete all the Assassin’s Creed games that I gave up about half way through because I got bored with completing the missions and preferred to just arse around on rooftops.

I would spend hours making sure that all my DS and 3DS games were in the right cases. Yes, yes, let the haters hate.

I would absolutely play all the games that I bought for cheap and then forgot about (yes, Rage, I’m talking about you).

I would also put all my video game related merchandise on eBay, because having my own Bishoujo Commander Shepard statue makes me feel sad inside.

In fact, I could give up video games and devote all my time to reading novels, while smoking a pipe.

I would actually use my Kinect camera and PS3 Move system to play games.

I would use all my savings to buy an Xbox One and PlayStation 4 because there are so many, many games on the systems that I want to play that I just can’t get on my 360 and PS3.

Then again, if it were opposite day, there would be some dire consequences.

I would hate Pokemon so much that my front room would become a warzone of torn apart Pikachu plushies (and Zelda plushies, and Pikmin plushies, and Monster Hunter plushies, it would be Plushmageddon).

I would realise how much of my shelf space was actually given over to Games, and have to come up with novel alternate uses for PSone and Game Boy Advance cartridges… maybe turning them all into wind chimes. Then I would have to work out what to put on those shelves. Probably some nice dust…

I would take all my games to Game to get cash for them, because it wouldn’t break my heart to find that a game I once passionately loved is now only worth 25p.

I would have to change the name of my murderous fish Isaac, because I would no longer have named him after the hero of Dead Space 1 and 2 (let’s just pretend 3 didn’t happen). Although, I would be less sad that he killed his tank mates Ulala and Cloud, losing Princess and Bob is somehow less upsetting.

I would find myself without much to do on weekends and evenings, so I would probably have to take up a drug habit to fill my spare time, it being the only way I could imagine doubling in size and shooting fire out of my hands while not playing a Mario game.

I would actually have to use my phone to just make phone calls.

I would actually start to buy In-App Purchases when I played iPad games, a habit that would probably bankrupt me.

The only video games that I would actually enjoy playing would be educational games and those released for the Phillips CD-I console, although there would probably be quite a few Xbox indie text based adventures that I would suddenly really start to enjoy.

Video games are such an integral part of who I am that to suddenly hate them would cause my personality to implode, and would leave me as a gibbering wreck on the floor.

I usually play video games to unwind and get rid of the stress of my normal working day. Without the ability to hack and slash, I might take my replica Final Fantasy VII Buster sword replica, sharpen the edge with a kitchen-knife sharpener and go on a killing rampage. Assuming that opposite day has also changed my mental state…

So, without video games I would be a hopelessly insane, bankrupt, drug-addicted multi-murderer who owned a nameless fish. Just as well today isn’t opposite day then.