Wait… I Know You!

Over the past month I have been through a lot.

It’s been tough. Very tough. Not just a teeny bit tough, but bastardly tough!

First thing I see with my dark elven eyes when I get to this snow covered land, other than the barely missed axe to the neck… is a dragon. A bloody dragon. Who would have thought it? I had never seen a swimming goat before either, but that seems to be ‘all the rage’ in these parts as well…

My story starts from there I guess. I was an outcast and unloved Dunmer. I think my face even offended people. But then the Dragon shows up and now I’m all special and everyone wants me to help them with tasks. It’s funny how no one will help me do any tasks, well, except the horses – I saw them kick the shit out of a dragon, before I even got a chance to give it a good beating!

It turns out that I am quite good at tasks. Tasks that involve killing things. Not the most lady-like of jobs I know, but I guess I’ve always been a bit different. My black eyes must make people think I’m hardcore or something. I found out that I have a good affinity with pyrotechnics! Flames seem to come naturally to me, so I thought I would hone these skills by going back to school. Killing things also can get you gold. Wooo, gold! Though I’m still not sure what this last shop item does, I bought it anyway.

Not everything has always gone to plan. I did spend nearly an hour attempting to climb up a massive bastard mountain to get to the Throat of the World before I realized I was supposed to go to Aivarstead first and follow a snowy brick road all the way to the bloody top. Only to then be greeted by a horrid snow monster who can one hit kill.

But it’s not only been hard for me. The whole world is suffering. Even the locals, they don’t seem right. I was watching some guy chop wood in Riften, but there were random bits of wood stuck to various parts of his body. Unless he is some sort of tree man, I’m guessing however this happened, must have hurt like hell.

Some people just seem to vanish into thin air. Perhaps they are using Vampire dust? Either way, they still like to have a chat even if you are not quite sure where they are. I also noticed that the people of Skyrim are very good workers. I saw a blacksmith with a knife and a broom in the same hand, whilst chopping up some leather – talk about multitasking! One elf guy I met must be really afraid of the dark, the bloody idiot carries his torch everywhere – even to bed!

I didn’t think I’d be seeing another dragon. I assumed infinite dragons was only a rumour. Turns out I was wrong! I even saw one flying though the sky, backwards… what kind of wizardry is this?! Only the strange happens in Skyrim, and talking about strange, how the hell did this leaf get so damn big?

I worked so damn hard to get where I am today. I fought bonesies in light armour and I killed multiple bandits in heavy armour. I became the Thane of Whiterun, (though I am regretting that now. Stupid Lydia, how many times do you need to get stuck on a gate or end up crippled on the floor?).  I also became the head of the college for mages. With this job I even got a set of flashy robes! I look awesome; badass even. All I need to complete the look is that awesome silver mask I picked up after I decapitated that nasty mage. Nice new hooded robes, a nice new looted mask; what more could I ask for!

Beware, people of Skyrim, lock up your sons, for words cannot describe how fabulous, menacing and downright awesome I look! You dragons better watch out, you’re gunna be slain by by one hot Dark Elf! I was on par with the Hagravens before, but now… NOW LOOK AT ME!!

ARRRRRRRRGGH!!! What kind of evil magic is this? I know I’m bloody hideous, but did this clothing combo really need to remove my entire head??!