Ryu looked across the jungle ruin at his opponent. A slightly threatening man called Kazuya glared back. He had a number of large scars, and his hair vigorously gelled back into some sort of ridiculous reverse quiff. It looked like this Kazuya fellow, whoever he was, had slept for 24 hours straight with a hair-dryer pointed directly at his face.
Kazuya’s team-mate, standing behind him, was called Yoshimitsu. He was wearing a full coat of armour and was carrying a sword. Ryu remarked to himself that this situation did not seem fair.
Ryu glanced to his rear, and exchanged a sage nod with his team-mate, a small Chinese lady called Chun-Li. She was not carrying a sword, and the only armour she had was a pair of spiked bracelets that were bigger than her head. She also seemed to be suffering from acute elephantiasis of the thighs, which looked painful and restrictive.
Ryu looked back over at Yoshimitsu, who at that exact moment was stabbing a rhino to death with his sword whilst teleporting. Ryu again remarked to himself that this situation did not seem fair.
The fight countdown started. Ryu cast a glance out of the screen to the man controlling him, seeking reassurance. The man with the Ready Up t-shirt did not look like he knew what he was doing. Ryu recognised him as Simon, one of the members of the Ready Up team who plays Street Fighter. Sadly, though, Simon is too cool to actually be any good. Ryu gulped, then stiffened his resolve and focused his mind on the coming battle.
“FIGHT!” shouted the announcer.
Kazuya leapt forward and kicked Ryu in the chest so hard that one of his bounteous pectoral muscles burst, showering them both in hearty chunks of man-breast and nipple. Ryu staggered back, clutching the empty space where his left pec—his best pec —had once been.
Ryu looked down at his exploded boob, then turned to look at Simon through the screen. There was an understandable look of concern on Ryu’s face. Simon nodded authoritatively, and surprisingly pulled off a dragon punch.
Ryu soared through the air, letting out an involuntary “Shoryuken!”. The tattered remains of his left pec flapped nastily in the breeze.
The dragon punch did not connect. Simon had mistimed it, as usual. Kazuya waited patiently below Ryu as he helplessly fell from the air. Kazuya then produced some sort of scissor kick thing that was so fast that it made the air glow yellow for no apparent reason. It was quite something. As if God himself had painted Kazuya’s feet with radiance.
Anyway, the move slammed into Ryu so hard that his spine actually flew off. It bounced off through the jungle ruins, as Ryu yelped in pain. Ryu’s anguished cries registered with Simon, and so he asked his opponent how to tag in a team-mate. He stopped playing to ask this, but his opponent didn’t.
As Ryu gingerly and inexplicably rose to his feet, with no spine and no left pectoral muscle. Kazuya performed some sort of grab move and, whilst Simon’s opponent explained how to tag in team-mates, Ryu was spun around and thrown to the ground. This got lots of dirt from the floor of the jungle ruins into Ryu’s wounds, which was generally seen as unfavourable by Ryu.
Simon tagged Chun-Li in at this point. She bravely entered the fray, and launched towards Kazuya with a spinning bird kick. Simon was pretty happy that he’d pulled off a spinning bird kick; even after 15 years the charge moves still give him trouble.
Whilst spinning around upside down and moving very slowly towards Kazuya, Chun-Li noticed that she was going to fall short of her opponent, and started to fear for both her and her breasts’ safety, having seen what Kazuya had done to Ryu moments before.
Her worries were short-lived, though, because Yoshimitsu tagged in for Kazuya and immediately cleanly sliced Chun-Li in half. Well, it wasn’t immediately. There were roughly 10 seconds of mistimed blocks from Simon that Chun-Li had to execute as Yoshimitsu delivered a flurry of kicks, punches and slashes directly to her brain care of her face. Also, it wasn’t exactly a clean slice in the end either but let’s not dwell.
The important thing is that her life bar was gone. So, Ryu came back into the mix with a sliver of health remaining.
Then Simon’s opponent treated him to a Cross Art attack, where both team-mates get involved in some sort of unpleasant super move. Yoshimitsu started pummelling Ryu, who flew up into the air with an understandable look of concern on his face. Then Kazuya came back in for the finishing move, during which he essentially minced Ryu. Ryu’s white dressing gown thing landed neatly on top of the pile, giving it the outward appearance of Shepherd’s Pie.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.