Top 5 Toilet Moments In Gaming

I’m sure everyone is aware of the massively popular kids’ book “Everybody Poops”. Written by Charles Dickens in 1850, it tells the tale of a young orphan boy who discovers that relieving yourself is a natural part of life, but who also doesn’t understand basic hygiene and tragically dies in the end. Sorry, spoilers.

Regardless, there have been many games throughout the years which remind us of Ol’ Hot Dickens’ message; when you gotta go, you gotta go. Being the lovely chap that I am, I thought that I’d round up some of gaming’s best bathroom based moments here in a succinct little list for you. Hey, to make it even easier, lets go with a top 5.

5. Fallout 3 – Doing a Dogmeat Impression

Fallout 3 was a game of many amazing, pseudo-realistic measures. Taking too much damage meant broken bones, too much rads gave you poisoning, and drinking water gave you sustenance. So the first time you come across a toilet with a “Use” command, and you’re really low on health, it seems like a no-brainer to sup happily from the bowl. In all honesty it’s quite a clever mechanic, as it shows that during a nuclear wasteland you’ll have to go to all lengths to survive.

Toilet in Fallout 3
Thanks, but I think I'll stick to 7-Up.

4. The Metal Gear Series – Johnny

The Metal Gear Solid games are filled with odd little pieces of… well, oddities. Who doesn’t remember hiding in a locker in Metal Gear Solid 2 and having Snake, er, kiss the ladies on the inside door? Even typing those words felt a little dirty. When it comes to strange little easter eggs though, Johnny takes the cake. For the uninitiated, Johnny is a character that pops up in odd locations, and is always suffering from very audible and pretty violent diarrhoea. The point of this list wasn’t to disgust, so I wont go into too much detail (that’s what YouTube is for, kids!) suffice to say listening in on Johnny in Metal Gear Solid 2 when you’re supposed to be doing something much more important is a great laugh.


3. Splinter Cell: Conviction – Bathroom Interrogation

Splinter Cell Conviction was fairly underrated. Whilst not the most amazing game ever made, it certainly had a lot of fun new takes on the classic Splinter Cell mould. One of the most memorable set pieces happens early in the game, where you corner a bad dude in a toilet and use said toilet to punish him for having tight lips. On reflection, the previous sentence makes Sam Fisher sound like a sxual predator. The brutal nature with which Sam slams his unlucky new friend into sinks, urinals and doors is a brilliant set up for the rest of the game, and also just ass-kickingly exciting.


2. Conker’s Bad Fur Day – Giant Singing Poo

There’s nothing I can say about this scene that this video can’t. (NSFW, obviously)


1. Goldeneye – Facility

Yes, it had to be. Admit it, when you started reading this article this was one of the first moments you thought of. Goldeneye on the N64 was one of the breakout hits of the console. Movie tie-ins have rarely been a good thing, but Goldeneye bucked that particular trend with what is considered one of the best console FPSs of all time. Whilst most remember it for the frantic, karate chopping, split screen action of the multiplayer, the single player was not without its moments. For instance, who can forget dropping into a toilet where several armed guards are doing their thing and blowing them all away? Who can forget that first time you try and shoot the guard having a sit down in the head, miss, and take off his hat? Goldeneye, you are the Top of the Toilets. King of the Cubicle. Lord of the Lavvy.






5 responses to “Top 5 Toilet Moments In Gaming”

  1. Tony avatar

    Classics. I remember bursting into a toilet in the Star Wars game Dark Forces and gunning down a stormtrooper who was stood against the urinal.

    Also, a long time ago a friend had an Acorn Electron. This had a game called Vindaloo which featured a man desperately in need of a poo platforming his way through each screen to reach a toilet and blessed relief. Me and my friend sat there for ages one day, letting the (very very long) timer run down, just to see if our pixellated hero would actually follow through when it hit zero.

    Sadly, he did not.

  2. Mark P avatar

    For me, number 2 is the best one. Can’t say I’ve ever played Goldeneye.

    Heh, “number 2”. X)

  3. Mark P avatar

    I’ve just remembered – I HAVE Goldeneye.

  4. Celeste avatar

    There’s an awesome toilet scene in Silent Hill 2 – so good that it’s even alluded to in Silent Hill 3 – where the protagonist, James Sunderland, fishes out a wallet (a key item) from the very non-flushed toilet bowl in a very non-cleaned, derelict block of flats. Classic moment. Seriously, these things are better than sex scenes!

  5. TimG13 avatar

    I expect Duke Nukem Forever will be added to the list come May 6th.

    That Bathroom Interrogation is probably one of Conviction’s iconic moments.

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