A Mayor’s Guide To Video Game Christmas

Well hello there! Many festive greetings to you, and all that, err, other seasonal malarkey!

I hope you are all enjoying that time of the year that brings us bad Christmas street lights, overspending on Play.com and eating far too much food! Not that you would ever notice that on me! For I am comparable to good ol’ St Nick himself!

As you all know me by now, I will leave off the introductions! Ohh hang on a minute… I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen you before! Who are you? Show yourself!

…Sorry, lately I have become very paranoid. A rival mayor of mine is trying to take over my guide business so I have become rather secluded, depressed and haven’t got out much recently. In fact I have been lost in escapism. I have spent a good many hours playing those delightful video games everyone is talking about in the media. So much so that my dear old mother, aged 147, sent me to a Korean boot camp for addicted gamers. I don’t believe I was every addicted, 18 hours of gaming a day is relatively normal so I’ve been told…

Anywhooooooo, as the mayor of Delphino Island I have certain standards to uphold and I can’t just have any old Dom, Mick or Barry writing guides. So before that fat git the mayor of Pinna Park writes a guide, I must gently put down the Wii-mote, throw away the PlayStation 3 pad and move away from the Xbox 360 Kinect and claim what is rightfully mine! A guide to video game Christmas!

First off, I want to give you my best tips for having a great video game Christmas.

Remember those days of opening your presents from under the tree, and your eyes lit up like gems to see that Santa Claus had bought you that Commodore 64 you always wanted! You plugged it into your 14 inch cathode ray tube and admired with glee the large selection of cassette tapes. You popped in the tape only to find out you had to wait for the tape to load, whilst tripping out on a screen full of crazy colourful flashing rectangles and a sound track that left a nasty mark on your soul comparable to a Timmy Mallet song. And worse than that, you could have to put up with the iconic 8bit audio for half an hour… Well people, things haven’t changed much since the ’80s, except you don’t get the entertainment of your friends having epileptic fits in front of you. If you are unwrapping a present and you get a PlayStation 3 and LittleBigPlanet for Christmas don’t expect to be able to play it straight away. Due to the amount of updates for this game, and then the installation of those updates, you might as well make a cup of tea, take a bath for half an hour and then get started on that crime novel you have always dreamed about writing.

I myself have only just joined the PlayStation 3 community and believe me, I was able to cook myself a large roast dinner and a side of ribs in the time it took me to download all the updates for three PlayStation 3 games. My recommended solution for this is simple… buy a copy of Chat magazine and a Weasel Ball! OOOH just look how cute and fluffy he is! He just keeps on chasing the ball… again and again and again. And look, he’s just done the same thing again! Such fun… Oh, and what’s this?!! My husband is a serial killing horse and my half human half horse son likes to maul small children whilst singing along to Mariah Carey’s version of ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’… Well that is a delightful read worthy of a true story, low budget film production! See! Hours of fun without a huge cost! And believe me, you will need hours!

Seriously, if you’re buying a PlayStation 3 for a family member, especially a child – open it for them now, open all their games and set up the system for them, then when it’s connected to the internet, and it’s downloaded its own system update – then it will need to download an update for every game.  LittleBigPlanet took about 45 minutes. Believe me, it might seem a little grinchy to give them pre-opened stuff – but a fully updated PlayStation 3 that they can play straight away is the kindest gift of all. Unless what they really want for Christmas is to look at a loading screen… like we did in the ’80s… only without the epilepsy-inducing flashing blocks of colour… which would have been cool!

Of course not everyone wants a PlayStation 3 for Christmas…

Some people may want an Xbox 360 and a Kinect-a-ma-jiggy. Yes, it’s that device that plugs into your Xbox 360 and makes you look like a raving loony in front of your TV. A raving loony that is having lots of fun. The Kinect has quite a few games on the go now, all of which involve you playing games with your body parts. No good if you have a body shape that is comparable to a beach ball, and stubby little legs like mine. Also when you don’t have a neck these dancing games become problematic, especially when trying to dance to that hiphop muzakk styleeee. But of course, those of you with necks should have the time of your life.

My dear old mother and I had a go at Dance Central last week and believe me, it’s jolly good fun for all your friends and family just to watch you dance like fools. But if all your family members are about the same size outwards as they are upwards, it might be worth moving to a house with a bigger sitting room. Basically, there were too many broken ornaments due to flailing guts and uncontrollable leaf skirts. If you do not want broken ornaments and any embarrassment that will come along with it, I recommend a pair of control pants. They keep your figure looking smooth, slimmer and firmer so any wobbly, overhanging bits are pushed around to your back. So anything in front of you will be free from stomach contact. Though do be very careful when there are people sat behind you, you don’t want to accidentally knock out your entire family with a slap from all that extra back fat…

If you have a Nintendo Wii then I highly recommend the new Donkey Kong game, Donkey Kong Country Returns! Featuring my dear friends Donkey and Diddy, they enjoy bananas, throwing barrels and playing bongos. When not adventuring in their new game, they can often be found in the jungle or invading many of Mario’s franchises. But as he is often overshadowed by the iconic rotund moustachioed figure wearing red, maybe this will be the start of something big for this massive ape wearing a tie. Some might say “It’s on like Donkey Kong’ ma homies!” Err, umm, yes, quite…

And where are the Christmas themed games?  Ok, any game that actually features Santa Claus as a character is probably going to have been churned out as a novelty DS game for sale to elderly people who don’t understand the difference between a good game and a brightly coloured piece of plastic.  “Should we get the new Mario game, Grandma?” “Oh, Billy does love Christmas, let’s get Santa Claus and the Poorly Constructed Platform Game instead.” But Angry Birds Seasons! Come on!  Where are the Loco Roco Christmas demos of yore?  Or even the Christmas NiGHTS game of ‘Ye Olde SEGA Yore’. Why not make it snow in every game when it comes to Christmas… how hard can it be?  Where are the free Christmas-themed levels?  Where are any free Christmas-themed levels? It’s almost worth dusting off the N64 and playing Diddy Kong Racing and riding through the Christmas village to feel the holiday spirit. Oh yes – that is a delight!

Lastly, is it just me, or are there very few big  games out for Christmas this year? Fable III is out, so is the new Call of Duty. Most of the big titles have already been out for months and some of the top new games are out next year. I am not going to complain… much, as I can no longer ask for games as Christmas presents because I want them when they come out.  If not on day-of-release, it will be some time in the first week of release…  So what to do for Christmas? My solution for this is to buy a copy of Super Ghouls and Ghosts! You can download a copy on  the Nintendo Wii Virtual Console and I guarantee you will never need a new game again!  You’ll be playing the snowy ice level until next Christmas, if you even get that far! I have now attempted the first level 678 times, which was the main reason I was shipped to Korea for the anti-video game camps that they so kindly advertised on that Panorama programme. So to save me from a trip east for a second time, can someone please get past the first level of the Demon World and tell me where those swimming baths are…?







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