It is a man’s world, but he would be nothing without a woman… or maybe he would be more, maybe he would be able to get on with dreaming of jet-packs and 3D. Then we could have had mammoth leaps forward in the world of gaming years ago…  if only there wasn’t a woman standing about asking him to wash up, or chop wood, or kill a misplaced spider.

Apparently jet-packs and 3D are the stuff of young men’s dreams. This is news to me, do people dream in 2D, or 3D, how does that work? Anyway a recent online article title of  “Jet-packs plus 3D. Our boyhood dreams come true…”  made me unnecessarily angry, in a ridiculous womanly sort of way. Why use the word boyhood? Why not use childhood, or just simply go with the sentence “Our dreams come true”.

This simple semantic slip up is the title for an article on Killzone. I can see that Killzone has some stereotypical little boy elements. There are soldiers and guns and stuff, a bit like action man. But surely if there is anything the world of gaming has taught us it’s that all young children like colourful happy games, hence the rise of Mario.

Anyway boys should not be playing Killzone, it’s a teenage/adult game with a fairly high age rating. Now in all the groups of teens that I know (weirdly quite a few) the girls are just as likely to play jetpacking 3D kinda games, so why can’t they dream of jetpacks? (Women already dream in 3D so don’t need to dream of it.)

Men don't even know what to do with a jet-pack. Grab it man!

I have a horrible urge to go out and spend many pounds becoming 3D ready just so I can play Killzone 3 and write about how pretty it is and how every girl will love it, but that’s just stupid so I won’t. Instead I give you my own girlised version of the article:

Extract modified from: http://www.computerandvideogames.com/article.php?id=255980

Killzone 3 3D

“Jet-packs and 3D. Our girly dreams come true…”

Killzone 3 launches Sony’s picturesque voyage into the crystal clear waters of 3D. But don’t get too emotionally involved with all that: It’s a graphical wonderland regardless of whether you press the special button on Sony’s new shutter glasses.

Look into my burning orange eyes and make me 3D.

When us ladies got our hands on the E3 version of Killzone 3 we wanted the full and glorious 3D experience. With this in mind, we go straight for every girl’s dream accessory: the beautifully crafted silver jet-packs.

Movement and combat are good even in mid-air, and one of the best design features of the jet-pack is its strikingly luminescent afterburners hanging close to your eyes in a sparkling array of orange and purple flames. The pack doesn’t actually offer full flight, but as this would make the game too easy, we are content with the leap and glide scenario.

It certainly adds a new dimension to the gameplay. The jet-pack level we played spreads across cinematic terrain and multiple platforms. Negotiating your way from one glistening chunk of diamond ice to the next is tricky, but with a woman at the controls we never messed up our Gucci combat wear by hitting the icy water.

The pack, like a new man, has limits to its range and stamina, but once you’ve mastered it you’ll really appreciate the approaches it offers. Surrounded left, right and centre? There’s always up baby. It’s this ability to pull out in dramatic fashion right at the last which creates some of the most cinematic moments (or disappointing ones depending on whether we are now talking about men or jet-packs…) – the best bit being that they aren’t cut scenes, they’re your movements, your decisions, in gorgeous real-time. Grrr.







3 responses to ““Everybody”?”

  1. Simes avatar

    My world’s already in 3D, so I didn’t really dream about it as a child…

  2. Michael avatar

    I laughed throughout. I probably shouldn’t have 😛

  3. Eleanor avatar

    You should always laugh, it’s good for you 🙂

    Good to know you’re not one of those 2D freaks Simes… they scare me.

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