Gaming-based Ailments – an Excerpt

I came across this previously unwritten and unpublished article which is almost, but not quite, entirely unlikely to be based on any kind of reality as we know it:

Physical ailments seen amongst the ‘Gamer’ super-type.
by Prof. R. H.  McSorely. MSc, MA, MB, MC, Dip. Thong.

It has recently come to my attention that an increasing number of significant physical aliments are affecting the ‘Gamer’ super-type and I feel that these, along with their associated root causes, should be brought to the attention of the medical community at large. I hesitate to use the term ‘afflications’ to group the conditions I have seen as this carries a negative weight to what must be seen as occupational hazards to this social super-type.

The majority of cases referred to me have been contained within the sub-group known as “Teh Hardcorez” – see ‘L33T – The essential guide for professionals’ by Dr’s M and L Mario – and should therefore be seen as an indicator of significant gaming activity even in those who, superficially, appear to have more ordinary and even mundane social roles.

I show here a small set of three conditions which seem to be currently present, however this is by no means representative of the larger group of symptoms seen in the field and are provided for immediate reference and as indicators to be used by our profession as a whole.

Assassin’s Thumb – Pollucis Strictus. This condition also carries the name Avatar’s Thumb although this is used less frequently and seems to carry certain negative connotations as it is, on some informal social occasions, used as a type of epithet. Assassin’s Thumb is characterised by a tenderness in the intercostal region between the thumb and index finger accompanied by some slight swelling and early morning stiffness in the joint itself. A note here to my female colleagues, please find a way to solicit this symptom without using the term ‘stiffness in the morning’ as I have noticed that this is found to be singularly amusing amongst the members of this super-type for some unknown reason.

This condition seems to recur at regular periods and I would postulate that the next variant will be known as ‘The Mass Effect’ so I would advise that colleagues be aware of the fluid nature of this condition and its nomenclature.

Forza Ankle – Tibiotalar Oedema. Also known as Racer’s Ankle, this condition is limited in its causes. A large proportion of the racing games sub-genre are played using the handheld controller and may be a contributing factor to ‘Trigger Finger’ – see “Phalangeal Firepower – A Study in Reload Dynamics” by McSorely – however Forza Ankle is linked specifically to the use of the brake pedal on certain accessory systems. The symptoms will include an inability to effectively weight-bear on the ankle in question for a period post-gaming and tenderness over the 24 hours following any significant ‘session’. The cause however is easy to pinpoint following extensive research by my team. An adjustment in both the longitudinal position of the pedal unit and also the seated height of the individual can alleviate this condition. I have also been made aware that a certain relief is felt when reaching “Level 50” however whether this is due to a reduction in pressure to perform or a drop in activity is impossible to conclude without significant further study.

DS Claw – Unguis Visiodualis. This condition is, unfortunately more chronic in nature than the two previously mentioned in this article. It has been noted that, while not restricted to them, the male gamer is more prone to DS Claw that the female. It has been postulated that this is because ‘Girls are better’ however this lacks a certain scientific weight and should be regarded as opinion rather than fact at this time. My theory at this point is that the male gamer carries the disadvantage of both size and intensity. Size is of particular interest here as those suffering from DS Claw tend to have larger hands, the intensity is a factor due to the ‘Have to win’ characteristic seen as a result. Once again I would council my female colleagues to approach the subject of hand-size with care and sensitivity as other, non-scientific, characteristics may be inferred by comparison.

There are numerous other specific and non-specific ailments which have been presented to my colleagues and I expect to see this continue for the foreseeable future. It should also be noted that new technologies may result in additional types of ailment and injury being seen. With more physical ‘control’ being introduced to gaming technology I would expect to see an escalation in the so-called ‘Wii-mote effect’, with more striking blows, bruising and general strains being presented. Indeed I understand that certain sectors are gearing up to deal with the ‘Natal cuve’, however it is unclear how gynaecologists could have any interest in our particular field.

It just goes to show!







One response to “Gaming-based Ailments – an Excerpt”

  1. Simon avatar

    That’s put a big smile on my face!

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