Shattered Memories makes sincere attempts to try and recreate the psychological impact of its predecessors. Harry receives unsettling text messages and voicemails at locations of emotional significance, messages that seem to come directly from the town’s collective unconscious. Harry’s phone will emit static when one of these locations is nearby, allowing you to trace the objects housing the bad ju-ju. There are also visible static shadows that appear from time to time. When photographed on your camera phone these visual anomalies reveal haunting figures and further text-based insights into the tragic personal histories of the town’s residents. It brings to mind the spirit-capture photography that formed the backbone of survival horror classic Project Zero, and whilst not entirely original, serves as a vehicle for some satisfyingly unpleasant imagery.

In a departure from Silent Hill tradition, heavy snowfall replaces the fog which usually envelopes the town. When the trademark dimension shifts occur, the spontaneous rust and decay that fans have come to expect give way to waves of crackling ice, which freeze characters where they stand and snowflakes in mid-air. When this happens, the faceless denizens of the town crawl out of the shadows and give chase. There is no combat mechanic in Shattered Memories, something for which the game deserves great praise. When you find yourself in the ‘other’ world you must quickly identify the next safe point and keep moving, for fear of being dragged to the ground by hordes of wailing deadites. There are chills to be found in these moments, and a sense of helplessness that crops up all too rarely in the genre nowadays.

However, for all its good intentions, Shattered Memories never manages to elicit the feelings of terror so convincingly evoked by its ancestors. When in the ‘real’ world, Harry will not encounter any of the physical abominations that could be found listlessly roaming the streets in previous instalments. Once you realise this, any threat you might have felt during these portions of gameplay dissolves. The geographically-triggered messages follow a set pattern: walk toward hiss; identify object; approach; object jumps/falls/flutters; message appears. It’s creepy the first couple of times, but once you suss out the formula it loses its punch. The ‘other’ world chase sequences also become repetitive, and it’s very difficult to be scared when you know exactly how an instance is going to play-out. The supposed psychological tailoring is largely aesthetic; for example, if you tell the psychiatrist you have a drinking problem, a cafe you enter later in the game might be re-skinned as a bar. Some characters will dress and act more flirtatiously if you deliver certain responses, but the changes never feel profound or personal enough to really tap into your innermost demons.

Disappointingly, the abominations in the ‘other’ world are all identifiably humanoid this time around. While this might make more narrative sense, it leaves no room for the Hieronymus Bosch-inspired shamblers or flights of quadriplegic fancy which elevated the previous games above their bland, zombie-infested peers. As for the puzzles that crop up throughout the journey, they are so rudimentary that the designers might as well have saved us the 15-seconds-a-pop and just left every door in the town unlocked. Having said that, the experience is already far too short, clocking-in at a meagre six-hours for an initial playthough. While the plot is agreeably character-focused, the personality of the town is criminally downplayed; Silent Hill itself feels more like wallpaper than the menacing entity it should be. This is not helped by the fact that the snow/ice dynamic is simply not as atmospheric as the signature fog/rust combo. The whole point of the snowfall in Silent Hill 2 is that it’s not snow – it’s the ashes of the dead townsfolk. Having actual snow falling gives the town a Winter Wonderland vibe entirely unbecoming of its incendiary history. This is Silent Hill for crying out loud, not Miracle on 34th Street.

At the start of the game you can choose from five different breeds of dog to play through with; I opted for the ever faithful Labrador although I could have had a Yorkshire Terrier, Beagle, Boxer or German Shepard.  You are introduced to your new puppy around your virtual home which is presented in a strange ethereal whiteness with doors and furniture seemingly hanging in the air, obviously the white backdrop saves on memory and processing space allowing more care to be lavished on the dogs and their animations.  The dogs do look largely okay but some more time spent making them look more realistic may have helped distract more from the pale, blank backgrounds.  Initially your only option is to wander around your blank surroundings but quite soon you are able to visit the beach or the park, all accessible by taking your puppy for a walk in a sort of mini game.  Here you control the speed and direction of your dog by moving your finger around the screen. Along the way you have to collect a newspaper and pick up your dog’s “business” and deposit it in a bin, all riveting stuff!  As you progress you unlock various toys, food and treats for your puppy which are all available from the shop for you to buy, with the aid of the treats and toys you can start to teach your puppy new tricks and commands.

The tricks are performed by tapping the screen to grab the puppy’s attention and then following some on screen touch commands to see the trick through, these can range from sitting down to giving a paw.  Once the trick has been successfully performed you give the dog a treat and it learns it; sometimes you need to do it more than once to complete the learning process but all in, the trick can be learned in under twenty seconds.  As your puppy learns more tricks and commands you can then enter it in to competitions to win money and prizes to accessorise your home, garden and dog but sadly here it was where my problems started.  The game froze on me, and indeed froze my phone up on me for at least five minutes, rendering the game and phone useless for a while.  However I persevered and tried again, and again, and again and as I played through, more and more bugs became apparent, most were concerned with the game freezing but some just kicked me out to my phone’s menu screen, so sadly I haven’t been able to see all that “The Dog” has to offer.

Ryanair get a hard time but they certainly have their place in the world. They are cheap, even with the taxes and mystery costs, they deliver me on time, and they seem to own air worthy planes. Now having said that there are no little extras to make me smile along the way, but I always know just what I’m getting: bog standard and nothing else. Except that time in January when Ryanair surprised me.

Everyone in the world probably knows about this except me, but I generally burn the paper if it is giving Ryanair too much media attention. I never really know what they are up to, because when it all boils down to it they are not up to anything, they are just flaunting their name to remind us all that if you want a bus on wings they have one. So it was news to me that you can now use your mobile phone on a flight.

Totally worth a fiver.

At first I thought this was great, then about five seconds later I realised it actually meant that my rubbish flight would now be too noisy with phones ringing and teenagers chatting to actually get the hour of sleep I so badly needed. So then I was grumpy for a while before realising that this opened up a whole new entertainment avenue for me that I normally crossed off the list for flights — mobile gaming.

Ryanair only let you take a teaspoon of stuff onto the plane so my brick DS generally doesn’t make it. However my phone is always with me. Being a diligent flier I never normally have it out in-case someone quizzes me about ‘in flight mode’ or some such functionality. Now with phones a free for all on the plane I can game away to my heart’s content.

So what really makes a game good for these trips? I always feel Tetris has everything you could possibly want out of a good mobile game: easy to see on the little screen, not so taxing you fall over stuff, and totally engrossing so the flight takes all of three mental minutes.  However if I’m going to game on the plane then I’m going to game all through the airport, and on the way to the airport. No more whiling away the hours by buying McDonalds and eating it really slowly before coating myself in every branded perfume known to man, oh no, just gaming now. So where Tetris loses is in the pause department. If I pause then go through the boarding gate, fumble for my passport, smile at the nice people, and find a seat that doesn’t smell, I can’t unpause. Well, I can but I am no longer in the right mindset to pick it up and I lose within a few moments. This is really annoying if you just spent the last half an hour getting a pretty great score.

Up to the clouds and beyond...

So the answer is a game that only lasts a minute or so, like quick races, or mini levels of stuff. Things that if you have to pause and then die it won’t matter because on that bit you were only several seconds in anyway. It also has to be something with re-playability, no story or it will feel like hard work, and totally engrossing. The jury is still out. I was pretty happy on 3D roller-coaster the other day on my Sony Ericsson but once I have beaten all my high scores a few times I think it is going to wear pretty thin.

Telly!

I had been wanting to get one for at least 2 years, but other, more boring but also more essential things got in the way. I had to be the boring one who drew the line and said, ‘Yes, I want it, I really want it, but I have a perfectly working standard definition television here and I really need to pay the electric bill/council tax/insert mundane payment here’.

Also, to be honest, even now, the only thing that I really wanted an HDTV for, was so that I could finally read the otherwise stupidly small writing that is reserved for lowly standard definition owners. Yeah image quality is better for HD but I wasn’t exactly complaining about it before. If there weren’t so many games that got ruined for me because I couldn’t read what was going on, I would probably still be happy with my standard def now. I do wonder if it was absolutely necessary to make the writing unreadable. It was like a tiny voice in my ear whispering, ‘This wouldn’t be an issue if you forked out’, which made me a little angry, because some people can’t afford to.

So, after so long, I am now armed with my HDTV. I am able to read the text on the likes of Dead Rising and Dead Space. I can see where I’m going in split screen. The world is right again!  I am probably not going to buy another TV for a very long time.

I'll be able to afford one of these in about ten years or so...

Of course, now that the majority of people have bought their HDTVs, now that even the ones who waited until the prices went down (i.e. me) have got up to speed on the situation, it’s time for something new that is cool, new and absolutely essential if you want the full gaming experience! Oh, yeah and you bet it’s gonna have a major price tag on it too. 3D televisions are slowly making an appearance, and with the current craze of every film and its dog jumping on the 3D wagon, I can bet it won’t be long until you can’t play a game properly unless you have a 3D TV.

Hard to believe black and white TVs were once the height of technology.

The main issues I have are not with new technology. If we didn’t ever move forward, we would still be playing pong on black and white TVs today. The thing that bothers me is there isn’t just new consoles and new games anymore. It’s new consoles, new games, new TVs, and new cables to connect TVs to consoles (very specific cables, I hear); as soon as you have finished scrimping and saving and are proud that you have it all, it’s all so yesteryear and it’s time to start again.

Progress is everything, in technology, I wholeheartedly agree. But I hope that someone gives a thought about the people who haven’t got all the money in the world, and keeps the games enjoyable for people who have only got an HDTV.

The game looks pretty but that’s not the same as having good graphics. My issue is that while the foreground and characters are incredibly detailed and the backdrops huge and varied the two feel very separate. You are essentially running on a straight path with what might as well be wallpaper off in the distance. When I say straight path, it’s really very, very straight. There are little offshoots of a few metres which might have a chest or enemy, although more often than not have nothing but there is absolutely no exploration. This limiting of your options is the theme to every element of the game. Besides there being little field exploration there are no towns, shops are just a list you can access at save points and conversation is limited to preordained times and areas, with no real interaction that’s not a part of the main story.

It’s the same issue when it comes to combat. Yes there is an interesting structure and strategy in place but its execution ends up being incredibly dull. Your spells and actions are limited to which particular role you’ve assigned to your character. You can choose between roles and change them on the fly during battle but within each one you can only really do a few things. You won’t even need to choose which one as the auto-battle option usually does it better and quicker than manually assigning skills to fill up your Active Time Battle slots. It’s simply a matter of switching between roles – called paradigm shifting, so that each party member is working together to keep the hurt on your enemy and your health meters full. Let me bottom line it for you – you’ll be pressing left bumper to paradigm shift while watching your health gauge the whole time and pressing the A button (on Xbox 360) to carry out actions. That’s it. That’s the whole game. Yeah there are summons who are much more engaging than on previous Final Fantasys. Yes you can customise your paradigms so that you have a good mix on your team. Yes the battles are swift and all enemies are visible on screen. It’s just BORING. So boring that it’s hard to play for more than an hour without losing focus and finding your eyes wondering away from the screen, sometimes for long enough that your party get wiped out while you stare at your curtains. This is a FF game you won’t want to play for long sessions – what’s that about?!

Okay let’s just get the skill development out the way because I know you’re now as depressed reading this as I am writing it. You hold the A button down and it fills up a line. As you move along the line crystals light up and that’s you learned a skill. Just like the map exploration there are a few very short offshoots from the main path but nothing worth comment. You have little control over the skill tree or ‘Crystalarium’ except to choose which roles to upgrade first. Once it’s full it doesn’t automatically open the next section either. That will come at a preordained time within the storyline, when it’s good and ready. It doesn’t matter anyway since there’s no real leveling system in place. They could have done away with the skill development all together and just done it for you, like they did with everything else in the game.

Why do it? Why simplify the game to point where no fan of the series could possibly feel satisfied with this linear, hand holding, total lack of freedom? Newcomers will still be put off by the game’s length and long cutscenes as well as the faux complexity of the various spells and abilities you’ll learn. Who are they making the game for? What tops it all off is that everything about the game feels like it’s so very pleased with itself. It oozes the self-satisfied smugness of the developer feeling like they’ve created pure fried gold. Final Fantasy XIII is completely in love with itself from the posing smarmy characters to flashy over-styled menus. Are these merely the rantings of a life long FF fan, someone who waited for the four years like a puppy at the window for its owner to come home from work? Yes, yes they are. I feel like I’ve been hit on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and this review is my poo on the Persian rug of games journalism.

So let’s start with a quick rundown, we have 10 new fighters, a few new stages, new ultras, new bonus stages, new online modes and new trials. Did I miss anything?
I think that covers the new bits pretty adequately. There’s also changes to the old bits, like character rebalancing and different intros and endings for all the characters. And Guile can put his shades on in the middle of a fight now. That’s probably the biggest change actually. Putting on shades in the middle of a fight adds a whole new dimension to the game. You could almost say that for Guile players, Super Street Fighter IV is actually in 4D and not 3D. I’m pretty sure Stephen Hawking would back me up on that, and he’s a world class physicist.

And the price! Let’s not forget this is going to be cheaper than the original. I can remember paying £85 for Super Turbo when it came out on the SNES. Adjusting for inflation that would have been over a million pounds today! So this really will be the best value Street Fighter, pound for pound, ever.

I really am sorry I made that pun.

I’ve always had a soft spot for the Alpha series so seeing Cody, Guy and Adon make a return is a real treat. Who were you most pleased to see on the new roster?
Makoto obviously! Cody is the coolest, there’s no doubt there, but Makoto is the most exciting to play. I would say she’s upper mid tier at best, so you really need to work hard for wins and take big risks to close in, since her main damage-dealing weaponry requires you to be toe-to-toe with your opponent. She’s pure rushdown, and I love that. When I win with her (which is not very often) I really win. When I win with Ryu, sometimes I’m not even paying attention.

How does she play compared to her 3rd Strike incarnation, will players feel at home with their returning favorites?
She’s different, but the same, kind of. The biggest change for her is that a successful Hayate usually pushes you outside of Karakusa range. Which felt crazy at first, but now I’ve adjusted. I quite enjoy playing 3S players who don’t know the new Makoto yet and watching them jump after a successful Hayate. It’s a free Fukiage! I won’t be able to cash that in for much longer, though.

We’ve seen a few new game mechanics for some of the new fighters. How do Cody’s Knife, Juri’s Feng Shui Ultra and Hakan’s Oil effect the flow of a match?
I’ll be honest, we don’t have any serious players in the office for those characters. Cody’s Knife seems to mostly come in to play near the end of a round, when chip damage can decide it, but I’m sure that’s not the summation of its effect. Juri’s Feng Shu Ultra seems to be mostly about flair at the moment, but I think it’ll take a while for the true extent of its power to be understood. Hakan’s Oil – I don’t know what to say here. We’ve only just got a build with a finished Hakan recently, so I can’t make any judgement calls but it’s hard to play a single round with or against Hakan without laughing constantly. We’re still at that phase, so really it’s about who can keep the straightest face when he does any of his moves. I definitely won’t comment on our internal Hakan fan fiction either.

On the subject of the newly announced Hakan, people expecting the rumored sexy oiled up hunk may be in for a shock, what’s the low down on this oily beast?
He is “for the lulz!” So far in the European office we’re playing him kind of like a super aggressive Zangief, but that’s because it’s early days for us so we just use things we know. It’s a voyage of discovery!

With all the existing fighters getting a new Ultra do you think anyone of them now has a surprisingly different game they can play?
Some of the charge characters have a non-charge Ultra now, which has quite a significant impact on how they play. Some of them are just plain cooler (like Ryu’s), and some are more for fun than tournament play. Usually, though, the new Ultra makes up for something in a poor match up.

And to finish up, why should people buy Super Street Fighter IV, WHY??
Because I need a new car. Just kidding! I can’t even drive.

Because we’ve improved what was there before, added loads more new stuff and made it cheaper than ever. Because it’s the best fighting game ever, and is the only one you can put on when you come home from the pub and everyone in the room will understand and know how to play. Because you can put Guile’s shades on in the middle of a fight. Because MAKOTO. Because you didn’t get the last one. Because if you don’t, I’ll come round your house and fight you.

Who's gonna come out on top here? Tough Call!

Super Street Fighter IV is released on April 30th 2010 for Xbox 360 & PS3. Keep an eye on Ready Up, fight fans for an exciting SSFIV announcement coming soon!

My collection.

It’s pretty, you can’t really deny that. But apart from that, it does its job wonderfully. When it’s not underneath my pillow (I play games before bedtime) it tends to travel with me in my bag. It’s useful for long tube journeys and also bitesize lunchtime gaming. But the other thing I love about the DS – which is sadly no longer to apply when DSi-only games come out – is that it’s region-free.

Gamers used to eyeing the gems that can be found overseas will know that it isn’t always easy to purchase and play a game from another region. It isn’t impossible, but with some consoles it can be a lot of trouble. With the DS, it’s easy to enjoy foreign games, and even to get games before their UK release. Importing games for a region-free system such as the DS opens up a literal world of possibilities. What I generally use my DS for is playing Japanese games, so let’s take a few of them as an example:

The best alien frog there is!

The language barrier can be difficult to overcome, but with some games, it’s not entirely necessary to be able to read all of the text. It’s much like skipping reading the manual, which quite a few of us do most of the time. Story-wise, with anime spinoff games for example, if you’re familiar with the source material then you probably have a good idea of what’s going on. For example, playing Keroro Gunsou’s spin-off games and seeing the cut scenes still made me laugh even if I couldn’t understand them completely, because I already knew the anime and recognised the storytelling patterns. If all else fails though, there are English guides on the internet for foreign games, and unless you’re playing a substantial JRPG, then you probably don’t need to follow the story too closely anyway. However, if you want a bit of foreign language practice, then maybe you could give a foreign language game a try. It could be a good way of learning how a language works in practice.

Dance with the fish, kiss the squid.

Then there are just the gems that you can get by tapping into another country’s game collection. Take for example, the fantastic rhythm-action game Taiko no Tatsujin, which comes with two styluses to simulate taiko drumming on the DS screen. Some of these wacky games were eventually picked up for translation, such as Starfy no Densetsu, which became The Legendary Starfy, a fun little underwater platformer featuring a starfish prince which reminds of Mario’s platformers. More recently, Rhythm Tengoku Gold was translated into Rhythm Paradise, endorsed by Beyonce on television adverts if you’re into that kind of thing. Rhythm Paradise is one of the strangest and funniest rhythm action games I’ve ever played. Each mini game is wacky and wonderful, whether you’re singing along in a choir, using your lizard tail rhythms to snag a mate or shaking up bottles to create the perfect love potion.

Aside from foreign language games, there are one or two games that were released in English elsewhere but not in the UK. Chibi Robo: Park Patrol was translated into English and released in the US, specifically retailing only at Wal-Mart, but it never hit shelves in the UK. It doesn’t matter, since you can import a copy that will play on your UK machine! Power up your little environmentally-conscious robo and get to work reviving the park! It sounds silly, but it’s very cute and absorbing when your little robo makes flowers grow with his water dropped and magic stereo.

This is the kind of thing that’s available when you look at games from other parts of the world. The DS is not just for little kids or brain-training adults after all, although you can find many of those kinds of games too if you wish. Region-free consoles make exploring your gaming options both easy and fun, although you may have to fork over some extra cash for certain titles and for importing in general, which is definitely a downside. Still, for some rare titles, it can be worth it. The problem I have is storing all of these games…

As part of the event launch, fans were to be granted with a rare treat: a signing with Producer Yoshinori Kitase and Art Director Isamu Kamikokuryo. As a result, a queue hundreds of people long began to develop early in the day and continued to grow as the hours drew on; on a bitterly cold day in March that is real dedication for you! The appreciation for the series is no new thing; Final Fantasy fans are as fanatical as you can get for a game series, and despite overcast skies and threatening rain the result was a host of elaborately costumed and sometimes skimpily clad characters lining the streets for the chance to meet and greet the creators.

Throughout the afternoon the interior of the HMV store had slowly been turned into a Final Fantasy melting pot with large television screens throughout the shop showing trailers, the title song featuring UK singer Leona Lewis blasting through speakers and giant banners with the game’s artwork plastered over the walls. As the clock hit 5.00pm, and with only 30 minutes left before the big event, the fans were finally led into the store to line the miles of barricaded walkways through the shop floor.

At 5.30 the shop came alive with celebrity host Alex Zane taking the stage to start proceedings. With the crowd now extremely pumped, the first of the night’s special features took place – the ultimate Final Fantasy quiz! Considering most of the questions revolved around the latest title, it was overwhelming to see just how much the fans knew; the 5 contestants left me hanging my head in shame as they answered round after round of tough trivia, with cosplayer Terri finally coming out on top and bagging herself a Final Fantasy XIII Xbox 360 bundle – lucky girl!

What must have seemed like an eternity for the eagerly waiting fans after hours of queuing, Kitase-san and Kamikokuryo-san finally took the stage to overwhelming applause, having been delayed in a taxi thanks to London traffic (no change there then!). The extra wait did nothing to dampen spirits as the first in line finally graced the stage to get their game signed! As the queue slowly began filtering through, I took the opportunity to speak to some of the die hard fans that had been waiting so patiently throughout the day.

Sam Barham, Kara Hook and Emma Clapp rise to the challenge of Final Fantasy Cosplay!

The first clan to capture my eye were a trio of cosplayers with incredibly detailed costumes. Super fans Sam, Kara and Emma may have been queuing for hours, but had spent even longer perfecting their outfits! Dressed as Tifa from Final Fantasy 7, Emma had spent days stitching in foam to get the perfect pummelling gloves for her costume, while counterpart Kara, dressed as Cloud’s love rival Aeris, had spent weeks getting her staff weapon just right. The fact that the characters they had chosen could fight back as well as any masculine hero from the series was a big factor for them as female cosplayers and gamers alike. In fact a large proportion of the room were enthusiastic gaming girls; a refreshing sight when most of my previous game launches have been spent surrounded by burly men! The appeal of Final Fantasy knows no bounds!

Final Fantasy 13 has been in development over the past four years; since its unveiling at E3 ’06 it has definitely felt like a long time coming having been one of the longest gaps seen between Final Fantasy titles. As any devoted fan of the series would tell you, this kind of timescale for development is to be expected and usually appreciated by the supporters of the games if the end result means yet another mind blowing experience in the Final Fantasy universe. However with many early reviews showing an unusual amount of criticism for a Final Fantasy title, there is an air of uncertainty amongst the fans; cosplayer Emma remained hopeful, “I don’t think it’s necessarily going to be bad, it’s just going to be different. It’s a step up so some things have to change, it’s not going to be the same as what has come before”.

Although Final Fantasy 11 Online has been on a next generation console for some time, this is the first classic styled Final Fantasy game to hit PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. The last major jump was for Final Fantasy 7, a game which exploded into homes around the globe, and is still their highest selling title in the series despite being 13 years old (anyone seeing a link there?). With that in mind there was one question I just had to ask – would the rumoured remake of Final Fantasy 7 ever happen, and more importantly would the fans want it to be done? Ask that question near any Final Fantasy fan and you’ll soon discover, as I did, that you get replies screamed at you from all angles!

Jaqueline, Amy, Sean, Laura and Kay with their newly inked games!

The second group of cosplayers I encountered were divided on the idea. While most people soon became incredibly excited and vocal about the subject, Vincent Valentine aka Sean was sceptical about the possibility and argued “I want the title left how it is, not have it ruined any more than it has been!”. Kara had expressed similar concerns, “I can see it from both points of view. Fans want to see their favourite characters looking as good as the games do now, but on the other hand people are worried that as a result the story would get changed or it would be a let down. If they did it, it would have to be true to the original to please everybody, or finally resurrect Aeris like they should have done in the first place!”

With autographs in hand, and a much anticipated game dying to get into their consoles, the crowds headed for the local Underground Station, eager to start playing sooner rather than later. As I headed home with my own copy I was buzzing with the excitement of the night, from an event that is now being called the biggest games launch that HMV has ever seen, even beating that of World of Warcraft – take that Mr Lich King, Chocobos FTW!

So lets start at the beginning, and lets face it, this is the most important part for me anyway, with the food. Now I arrived a little late so I was worried it might all be gone, but I was in luck. Waiters in indescribably pink shirts were still floating around the miniature Edwardian tables. Their sliver trays adorned with tempura prawns,  green chilli salsa nibbles, bite size pies, and for dessert tiny cupcakes and cream filled meringues. It was great, I set my self up on a prime waiter route and filled up to my hearts content.

Now on to the less important stuff, like the gaming and the film…. ok, they were important too, but just a bit more everyday. The consoles were rammed when I arrived so I casually snuck about waiting for some unsuspecting fool to lay their controller down for just a fraction of a second. Then I saw my opportunity, the controller was on the table, the man was turning away and I leapt into position. It was all mine, the success of the take over temporarily blinded me to the act that I had managed to bag myself a sports game. I was deflated, but decided to give it a go anyway.

If you have a bit of a sadistic streak  I now thoroughly recommend Trials HD. Not a game I had ever considered playing but there is a small masterpiece hidden away inside. This is a Trials game, as the name suggests, so you drive your motorbike over bits of wood and metal pretending to be ramps until you get to the end of the course. The best thing about the whole experience is the overly used rag-doll physics, your character is so floppy you just want to shake him. Leaning too far forward on a jump makes him crash head first into the landing zone, creating a tantalising splatter of blood before he slides so satisfactorily off his bike to his doom. He hits everything, with limbs bouncing about and head lolling. I don’t think I made it round a single track all the way, it was just so glorious watching how his flying corpse interacted with the different jutting out stuff strewn about. Before I had the chance to tire of Trials HD and change game a nice lady ushered us out and into a mini cinema. I was sad to leave my squishy motorbike man, but even sadder that the only other woman in the midst of an Xbox community event was just there to chaperone us about.

The mini cinema in the Soho Hotel. Sadly all the chairs were red when I was there.

I hadn’t given Green Zone much attention except to acknowledge it as a potential thing to see if I was really bored. I enjoy Bourne but somehow the tag line of ‘Bourne gone epic’ on every bus made me suspicious of its actual worth. Of course we had to start with the obligatory introduction from our host, Xbox Live’s  community manager. He informed us that Live is about more than just gaming, it is a whole social experience. With the launch of Facebook and downloadable movies people could live their online lives through the console. In the month of March this service will be even more special due to the addition of all three Bourne films available for download. So there.

Yey, it's Matty D in all his camo glory.

The film started, I was way too close to the screen and felt slightly overwhelmed, then it all made sense.The first 20 minutes of Green Zone are like sitting behind your mate playing some three year old next gen FPS. It’s dry and dusty, there are palm trees, the soldiers are moving about in small groups with the leader providing one sentence dialogue and plenty of wavey hand movements, and the explosions are big, grainy and yellow. Ubisoft or EA could just run it as their next advertising campaign for just about anything.  Sadly a gamer would probably demand more action, more realistic characters, more stuff on screen, and generally just a bit more happening. I can see that it is the perfect film to sit a bunch of Live gamers in front of. Presumably the audience was all made up of competition winners from various sites and forums that Microsoft had approached, and presumably they were asked to run a community competition on an FPS to select the attendees. So logically the only way to amuse said crowd is to stick with what they know.

The rest of the film felt more like a movie, but still lacked an interesting plot or characters with any depth. If you are tempted to go and see it in the cinema may I recommend that you just rent the Bourne trilogy and treat yourself to something worth taking a few hours over. Then again, maybe this was the whole point and I have just fulfilled a marketing dream.  Microsoft show a rubbish film that wets your appetite for Bourne, you go home to the comfort of Live, and lo and behold look whats on offer for the tiny price of your soul….

The great developers understand this challenging situation and embrace it. They give players the platform to express their Star Trek behaviour. I have some pointers on how to spot this behaviour and how we can healthily deal with it.

The Kirk player is one of the most conspicuous. Can you hear mid-game proclamations of impending vengeance, often swiftly followed by extreme napalm/fire/bare-fist retribution? Is this accompanied by dry witticisms and glib philosophising? Are a great deal of enemies dying, albeit with a fair amount of collateral damage? You probably have a Kirk on your hands. The best way to confirm is if you can see an attractive blonde personal assistant by their side. When on a team with a Kirk, it’s always best to keep them pointed at the enemies, and maybe you should wear a blonde wig. Also note that their odd mid-sentence emphasis on seemingly unimportant words can make communication difficult. If you find yourself up against a Kirk, your best bet is to enrage them to the point of utterly obliterating you, so that in the process they will inadvertently cause their best friend to die of radiation poisoning. Don’t try to negotiate with a Kirk. They will no doubt be re-configuring their weapons or shields in some unpleasant manner whilst you quote Shakespeare at them.

Note that you can generally spot a Kirk player quite safely from distance as they will regularly look up from the battle to ask a Scottish team member for more power.

Kirks can be mistaken for Worfs sometimes. The main similarity is all the rage, bloodlust and killing. However, there are subtle differences. If, instead of an attractive blonde assistant, the player in question is brandishing a horrifying melee weapon, that’s a Worf. Again, point them at the enemies and stand back. When you catch the beautiful melody of a song about drinking the blood of your vanquished foes drifting out of a decimated enemy stronghold, you will appreciate how lucky you are to have a Worf on your team. Worfs love Left 4 Dead 2 and Gears of War, because they feature a nice selection of brutal melee options and also a nice selection of severed limbs. Left 4 Dead 2 has very much enabled Worf-like behaviour, and shows that Valve have an excellent understanding of the need to embrace the Star Trek paradigm.

If you are looking at this picture and wondering where the blood goblet is, you might be a Worf.

Is there a slightly cantankerous team member in your midst? Is there someone, towards the back of the group, who isn’t shooting many enemies, but is instead grumpily moaning about collision detection, balancing, and hit boxes? If there is, you have another common Star Trek archetype in your team. At this stage, you can’t be totally sure which you have. The fastest way to tell is to injure yourself and observe their resulting behaviour. Set yourself on fire, or wander into a nasty patch of Spitter goo. If the player in question hobbles over with a first aid pack, mumbling something about not being a forklift, then you have a “Bones” McCoy. He will distrust aliens. If, while you’re lying on the floor bleeding to death, the player appears to be attempting a site-to-site transport of your spleen, you have an O’Brien. O’Briens are better in a fight than McCoys but require detailed re-enactments of The Alamo on a weekly basis to stave off wiry-haired insanity.

Is one of your number cultivating a grizzly beard and constantly taking time out from coolly kicking bottom to chat with the opposite sex? That’s a Riker. Rikers work well with Picards.

A Picard is a born leader. They sit back and observe proceedings calmly. Is one of your team constantly seeking a high vantage point in Left 4 Dead, Halo or Modern Warfare? Are they then delegating orders and duties to a tall member of the team who has a beard? That’s a Picard. Very useful, Picards. The one drawback with a Picard is that they will occasionally become assimilated into the enemy ranks for a short time. If this happens, send them to a French vineyard until they regain a lucid grip on reality.

Again? Are you kidding with this now? Okay, get him to the vineyard.

Some of the archetypes don’t have many positive points. Is one of your group always lagging behind? Do they jump and lose their bearings fairly regularly upon contact with enemies? Are the Bloodmounts or Tanks massing, yet one of your team mates is cowering in a corner? Bad news. You either have a Wesley Crusher or an Emergency Medical Hologram on your hands. The Wesley may, occasionally, come up with a smart idea at the last minute and totally save the day. Sadly, it will commonly be their fault that the day needed saving in the first place. If you have an EMH player, they might heal you sometimes. That’s the best you can hope for.

There is one type of player who is even worse than those, though. Does one of your team have a tendency to fret? Do they incessantly try to organise items and weapons evenly between team members, whilst reminding you about the importance of good preparation? Do they try to befriend Infected, Locust, Covenant or terrorists by handing them leaflets? Can you smell a nice stew?

You have a Neelix. I'm so, so, sorry.

There are many others to be aware of. Is a teammate making you uncomfortable with lingering eye contact and asking you about your feelings? You have a Troi. They are good for morale. Does one of your squad obsess over the comparative efficiency of weapons and perks, before taking four weeks and twenty brainstorming sessions to make a decision on which killstreak rewards to use? Spock. Match with a Kirk happily, but never with a Neelix. The Spock will increase the efficiency of the Neelix and thus permanently cripple your squad.

Does one of your fellows stumble around clumsily, bumping into various objects, before bellowing “Coolant leak! We have a coolant leak!” and rolling off under a lowering barrier? That’s a Geordi La Forge without a visor. If you can find a Data (notable for a cruel, robot-like ability to accrue headshots and impressive kill/death ratios), pair them with a Geordi to witness a heart-warming personal bond develop. The Data player will protect them both whilst the Geordi player gradually shows the Data how to emote and crack a joke. You will cry.

Finally, do your teammates insist that you wear a red shirt? If so, there may be question marks over your value to the group.

That’s all for now. I’ll be running a seminar later in the year on this and related issues.