Available online, Mole Control puts you in charge of a hovercraft-like contraption, equipped with a digging arm on the front. Faced with a pest problem you’re asked to not make craters out of mole-hills and pilot this craft around the various arenas of Molar Creek removing the mischevious exploding moles and generally saving the day. As you pilot the craft you’ll lay down markers showing how many moles are in the vicinity – once you’ve pinpointed the little bugger, you can dig it up with your digging arm and remove the threat – clear all the moles from the level (the numbers do get quite large as you play through) and you’re onto the next area.

If you’ve played Minesweeper, you’ll understand the gameplay immediately. Even if you’ve never idled away a few work hours clicking at the grid on your PC you’ll pick this game up straight away and won’t look back. With its cartoon-style graphics, and less than serious story (as you may have suspected, due to the explosive nature of the invading pest) the game sucks you in to its world quite quickly. The game is presented in vibrant colours, and the town of Molar Creek is a lovely white picket fence community for you to explore and dig up, complete with nosy old ladies and hard working gardeners, all with their own story to tell you.

Story mode isn’t all that’s on offer here. During the story you can play quite methodically and take as long as you need to complete the levels, but if you fancy something a bit different with a definite sense of urgency then try out the time attack mode. Starting at the novice level you can work your way up to being the master of Mole Control by testing your moling skills against the clock. Even novice difficulty will test you when you tackle this mode, so it’s good to hone your skills on the adventure mode before tackling the time attack as there’s really no time to waste on these levels, and, while finding moles will increase your available time, mistakes cost you time here so you don’t want to be running over a mole by accident.

Mole Control is a neat little game, perfectly suited for pretty much anyone. Speaking for myself, I’ve taken to a little bit of mole wrangling during my lunchtimes at work. While this is fun, it does make the lunch hour pass far, far too quickly – proof if proof was needed that it’s somewhat addictive.

Everything in that statement is true.  Well, except the last part.  People all too often forget that a large majority of games are so popular because of their multiplayer aspects — the online co-op modes or the variety of DLC and so on that are available for them.

Fking laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

So why is it that, even though a decent web connection is essential to complete the next generation package, your web access is very rarely scrutinised with the level of detail that you would when buying a new TV?  Or when you made the decision to buy an Xbox 360 over a PS3 (or visa versa, chill, fan boys)?

The important thing in gaming is latency, not speed.  You might think that they’re the same thing but they are very different.  Latency is the time it takes for a packet of data to reach its destination point and return to you.  Speed is the maximum throughput that can be obtained from your connection.

When I was on Virgin Media, I had a 20Mb connection but my average latency to World of Warcraft European servers was 250 ms plus. On my bethere.co.uk 16Mb connection, my average latency to the WOW Europe servers is 92 ms, a massive difference.

It may sound like I’m splitting hairs here because in an MMO they don’t really cause an issue.  Let’s take it into a game which requires fast responses, like Street Fighter.  In Street Fighter 4 the game operates at 60 frames per second so response and reaction are of the utmost importance.  If I had to deal with a quarter second delay over a tenth second delay then that would mean that I could drop upwards of 6 frames.  Now, while that may not sound like a lot, that’s enough for an online opponent to be able to land a heavy punch and link into a massive combination which could cost me the game.

It’s the same in FPS games online.  Everyone still seems to be playing MW2 and I’m sure they’ve experienced a situation where they’ve spotted someone, hit the trigger and even though they reacted first, they’ve come off worse in the exchange.  Generally, that’s down to the client response.  It’s less about hand eye reaction and more about ISPs and how they handle your connection latency.

So, what should you be looking for when you are picking your next ISP?  Well, because of consoles like the Xbox 360 and the PS3, ISPs are starting to notice that a lot of traffic is being used by gaming consoles and a few have introduced gaming connections — bethere.co.uk would be an excellent example.  When I enable gaming mode my connection speed is reduced slightly from the 16Mb I would normally get to about 14Mb but the latency is more than halved.  So they’re giving you the choice, fast downloads or faster game response.

The best thing to do if you are considering going with a particular ISP is ask them if they have any packages which have a reduced latency.  Let them know that you’re a gamer and that it’s of pinnacle importance to you.  Most will have a package that suits.

You should also ensure that you have a decent router.  Playing over wireless used to add to the delay but now wireless devices have latencies close to that of wired ones so there should only be a minimal delay in transmission to your router.  If you’re going through the trouble of changing ISP to get the best performance then you might want to stick a network cable in your device to make sure you are taking every advantage.

And finally, you should configure your router.  Make sure that your PSN/Xbox Live ports are all open.  Some routers even have Quality of Service options available so that you can tell your router to reserve a percentage of your available bandwidth for your device at all times.  This means that no matter what’s going on in your house, your console’s internet connection won’t be affected.

I'm currently rocking this badboy out, the router is bringing sexy back!

So, you’re probably still wondering about the article title at this point, no mention of nails.  I’ll explain.  I run everything I do on Ready Up by my wife who is as avid a gamer (but much less of a rage merchant) as I am.  Talking about the Street Fighter example, she said it reminded her of a poem, it went like this;

For want of a nail the shoe was lost,

For want of a shoe the horse was lost,

For want of a horse the cannon was lost,

For want of a cannon the battle was lost,

For want of a battle the kingdom was lost,

And all for the want of a nail.

This poem made also me think about latency and the Street Fighter example where sometimes something so small matters.  In this case it’s latency, and the smaller the better.

The good news is that Chime is not just average, it is an addictive and deep puzzle game with an awesome soundtrack. You can tell right away with someone at Zoë Mode is like myself, a Lumines fan. The concepts of creating quads and using a ‘beat bar’ are very similar to Lumines but Chime changes just about every other rule and mechanic to make a very different game. You are presented with shapes that can freely moved around the board and placed in any unoccupied position with the aim of creating a quad. Quads are created by placing shapes to form solid blocks of at least 3×3 in size. When a quad is completed it starts to fill and you have until it has filled to keep adding shapes to make the quad bigger. Once filled that area of the screen is counted as being covered, you may reuse the area to build more quads but bonuses are given for total coverage so it’s best to try and spread out. Each of the levels is based on a different song that builds and changes as you play, creating a trance like effect similar to Res, and again Lumines.

Chime is a game that is hard to explain, without seeing it. But the internet is magic, so I’ll just let you watch a bit of the game before you head off to buy it!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Power makes the world go round.

Last year, quite out the blue, an old friend got in touch asking if I wanted a couple of old games he had been given.  Of course, anything game related is more than welcome by me so I said yes, even though I had no idea what the games were.  A few weeks later he was in the area and had brought the games with him, the car boot was opened and there before my very eyes were boxed, very good condition, “Astro Wars,” and “Invader from Space.”  Straight away I told him I couldn’t just take them off him as I was sure they would be worth a fair bit of money but he insisted that they weren’t costing him anything and that I should just take them.  I  took them home and opened up the boxes to be greeted with nearly thirty year old games in almost perfect condition with instructions et al.  I just wanted to play them and see if they were what I remembered these once great games to be, only one problem…no batteries or an adapter!  Alas the battery types most commonly used by these games are of the “D” or “C” sizes and always needed at least four to power them up, not a cheap way to play.  The other option was to buy an adapter that allowed you to plug in to the mains, but of course at the loss of portability.  A few days later I procured an adapter from my parents loft – Game On.

Golden oldies

Astro Wars was the king of table top games back in the day for one reason and one reason only, it was hard.  I was young and never had Astro Wars, but I knew plenty of people who did, they were looked upon as being hardcore. The game never appeared to follow the conventions of gaming, it seemed a bit aloof and unpredictable, the enemies attacked in waves and the game jumped about so you never knew what was quite going on.  I plugged the adapter in to the grey, sleek, angular casing and powered up the game. Waves of nostalgia washed over me as the beeps and blips echoed out from the built in speakers, the multi coloured display lit up from its backlight and the aliens started to attack.  My large fingers were just about able to cope with the tiny, horizontal control only joystick, the fire button was rattled with the dexterity of a seasoned gamer and I lasted longer than I ever did at this game.  I carefully switched the game off, put it back in the polythene bag and replaced it in the box.

Hardcore...you know the score?

Next up was the lesser known “Invader from Space,” still made by the same company which was Grandstand, but no lesser a game.  This was smaller in stature and indeed size than Astro Wars but had the sleek white angular exterior of a modern Apple device. Once again it was furnished with a left/right only joystick and big fire button, and the built in speaker bleeped with grace.  My brother had been given this game one Christmas when he was younger and I was always jealous of him for it, I could never play it as much as I wanted to because it was his, but now I could play it anytime.  The game is a blatant clone of Space Invaders (small hint in the name of the game) but without any bases to hide behind due to the diminished size of the screen.  The memories flooded in to me as I played the game and I was transported back thirty years for a short time, once again I unplugged the game, put it in the wrapper and replaced it in the box.

Sleek and white! 30 years ago

Since I played the games last year they have remained in their boxes, I haven’t played them since, they have been untouched by human hands.  That is not because they are rubbish, far from it, to me these games are as valuable as antiques, they are an important part of the history of gaming.  They currently sit on my top shelf of my book case in my bedroom in pride of place with the adapter hidden away close to them in case I ever get the urge.  Of course at one point I had the thought of banging them on eBay but they would be lost to me forever and I wasn’t going to let that happen, they shall remain in my possession for some time to come.  I’m lucky to have such fine examples of gaming long forgotten and to some, gaming unknown. I’m also lucky to have such good friends who think of me when it comes to games.

Enraptured by Rapture, but ‘Bio-shocked’ at how little money you have left after Christmas? Well, we have four copies of the BradyGames Signature Series ‘Bioshock 2′ strategy guides to give away. As well as a star prize – a copy of the ‘oh so very impressive’ limited edition that includes bonus content. What is the bonus content? We’re hoping for a real life plasmid that will allow for you to make fire with your hands in real life – we smell a BBQ! Still we know that it will have maps, advice and all the info on Big Sisters, Little Sisters and Big Daddy prototypes you can shake an oversized drill bit at.

But how do you win this wonderful, helpful ’stop beating your head against a wall in being stuck in a game fury’ book?

Would you kindly answer this question? Who was the founder of the underwater city of Rapture?

Was it:

A. Andrew Ryan

B. Sofia Lamb

C. Geoff Hurst in the 1966 World Cup Final

The competition closes on 20th of February.  Enter before we send in the little sisters to drain your corpse of ADAM.

Last year, our very own Fran went to ATEI (The Amusement Trades ExhIbition) with yours truly in tow to sample the delights of coin-op paradise at London’s Earls Court. ATEI had a plethora of freeplay arcade machines and was a show technically for industry professionals and press only. However, things were slightly different this year, ATEI becoming a bigger part of the International Gaming Expo, a show focusing primarily on gambling machines and their assorted paraphernalia. For arcade afficionados though, not all hope was lost as the European Amusement and Gaming Expo sprang up to fill the hole, showcasing all kinds of coin-op entertainment from standard games to machines that rewarded the player with strings of tickets, to UFO catchers to stalls displaying samples of toys to put in them. For arcade gamers, it was a paradise with all of the machines being free play and all of those running the stalls only happy to let everyone pretty much run riot and blow up each others’ tanks (more on this later).

EAG Expo was kept pretty quiet, so it was only through chance and a good tip that I found out about it and abandoned ATEI for more productive pastures. EAG Expo had respected exhibitors such as Sega and Bandai-Namco, so it was always going to be good fun to have a look at new additions to the arcade scene. So what can you hope to see springing up in a location near you?

A theme of recent games is to get the player actively involved in the gaming experience. This isn’t just waving your arm around like a maniac in Wii games, but one only needs to look at such things as the upcoming Project Natal to see that literally active gaming is big business, and possibly the next step.

While it could be argued that the arcade scene has been doing this in some form for a while with games like DDR and so on, physical activity continues to be a theme. For example, Star Ball involves physically hurling rubber balls at targets on a screen in front of you, sensibly enclosed and far enough away to provide some kind of guarantee that the balls won’t rebound and hit you in the face. Star Ball instantly caught attention with its wacky mini games, one challenging you to throw balls at indecent streakers trying to offend the general public. The practicality of having such a machine in a large arcade presents a problem though, as the balls can rebound and go anywhere if thrown hard enough, and are generally easy to lose or be lost in the pockets of people taking one home as a souvenir.

Some may be pleased to see that pogo stick simulator Hopping Road was showcased at the event. Muscle memory meant that I instinctively hopped on it; I’ll let you know when my legs stop hurting. On a less bouncy note, a game with a similar platform but with a tilting rather than bouncing mechanism was also at the show. Happy Balance Ball played like an oddly active version of Super Monkey Ball, although it didn’t help my already aching legs.

It seems that every year or so there is a revamp or a reworking of the classic Tetris. It is a classic for a reason but every new reincarnation promises a different twist. The laughingly huge Deka Controllers for Tetris Giant certainly caught attention at the show. What better way to reinvent an old classic than by giving it a huge joystick? The jokes basically write themselves, so I’ll leave that to you guys.

Unfortunately, if you were to put your pound in this machine and hope for a good time, you’d probably be disappointed. The controller, being a novel thing, was not actually any good for controlling like it was supposed to. Its size made it awkward and clunky to use, and the classic pull of Tetris is not enough to waste a precious coin when you would definitely have more fun playing good old Air Hockey on a Sonic themed table.

You have to give the Deka Con series some credit though for something a little different that will probably tempt people to pop in a pound. After all, let’s not forget that the arcades are out to make money but if they took my advice, they wouldn’t waste any on buying the Tetris Giant anyway. In any case, it’s good to see that the theme of ‘reinvention’ of classics is still very much alive, the most prominent one being Sega Racing Classic:

New and improved!

Although it has a new logo and new decals all over the cabinet, Sega Racing Classic is essentially Daytona USA with updated and more polished graphics. The tracks have that same sideways sweeping curve to them, the sky is perpetually blue and the bright yellow LINK PLAYER text still flashes obnoxiously. Playing it was, of course, exactly the same as the Daytona we all know and love. It was very refreshing to play it on a new cabinet rather than the Trocadero’s battered set with the broken pedals and screens tinted the wrong colour.

If you’re tired of arcade racers, roll your eyes at the sight of the Need for Speed version eleven-hundred-and-whatever machine and have a yearning for your childhood Scalextric days, then perhaps Go Go Grand Prix will be your type of game. Consisting of a large table with plastic cars on a track, it looked a lot like your childhood racing set. The cars were controlled by trigger-like controllers: pull the trigger to make the car go along straights, release the trigger to slow the car down going around corners. If you think that the game could be rather uncomplicated, then perhaps the car selection screen will make you think differently; each player could select a car based on stats such as acceleration and handling. It was more difficult than it looked, timing being crucial going around the corners even with such simple controls. A silly kiddy race suddenly turned into a much more serious affair, heated up by the cameras filming each player and putting them on screen as the race happened on the track. Every single person who went on this machine was skeptical, and yet as their race progressed became increasingly serious and stony faced, concentrating on pulling the trigger at just the right time to pull ahead.

By far the show-stealer was the creatively named Tank! Tank! Tank! It may come as a surprise to discover that the game involves tanks. Designed for four-way multiplayer, each player controls their own tank in the game. There are three modes: one involves all four players teaming up to complete various monster-destroying missions; another involves players pairing up to challenge each other and the third involves each player surviving on their own in a free-for-all death match.

Tank and go Boom!

Despite its macho tank-ness, the appearance of the game wasn’t brutal at all; being Bandai Namco you could expect a degree of cuteness and fun to be inserted into the proceedings. This comes in the form of a snapshot feature much like the one in Mario Kart arcade where the player positions themselves to make it look like they’re a traditional Lucky Cat, or wearing a space helmet, or even with lovely luscious long princess locks. If customisation doesn’t insert some hilarity into the proceedings (wait until you see your friend, wearing the pink “♥ tank!” helmet, blowing you to pieces) then the over-the-top weapons certainly will. During the versus battles especially, a mad scramble for items ensues and it comes down to whoever has the biggest missile wins. The machine also had wonderful motion to it, the kickback from your huge weapons really jerking you back in your seat and inducing a real sense of HUGE TANK into the game proceedings.

It is interesting to note that even though the arcade scene in the UK is rather sparse, such a show does exist and there are people milling around looking to buy these cabinets. However, maybe the key is that these are not necessarily seen as arcade-only machines. One large space-guzzler, the 4D theater, proudly advertised itself as being recently purchased by Bluewater shopping center. “Just what your space needs!” chirped the sign, giving you an indication as to the kind of place that some of these wonderful machines might end up in. Rather than being installed in a dedicated gaming center, we have all seen the odd DDR machine in a bowling alley, or a UFO catcher randomly placed in a shopping center, or a clunky version of Time Crisis 4 slipped in next to the popcorn stand at a cinema. Even though it is rather sad to consider it, maybe not a lot of these wonderful gems will be snapped up to be installed in a decent place for a decent length of time to be enjoyed. However, we can still hope that some of these novelty gems will find a home in a place local to us, ready to receive our shiny coins.

This is my arcade tank face.

I have a secret that I’ve never told anyone before. I can teleport into games. I call it jumping.

This gift has been called into action very recently indeed. Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising is an authentic simulation of what it would be like to lead a small squad of seven year old children into fierce and bloody battle against the might of the Chinese military on a small, damp island in the North Pacific.

Will there be ice cream in the smoking hilltop village sir?

I started out the way I always try to. I played the game as it was intended. I didn’t summon my secret and mysterious power, instead choosing to try and beat the game using just the controller. A good few hours into the game, I had to leave the kids on the edge of an enemy fuel depot as they were slowing me down. I bravely crossed the perimeter, bravely shot some poor enemy soldier, bravely planted an explosive on a crucial generator, and then bravely ran off. With my squad back in sight, I took cover and bravely pressed the detonator. The generator exploded happily, and I set off back towards my team, who were contentedly chatting about Ben 10. A few metres from them, I was hit by a bullet. I was down. I called for the help of my squad using the command radial. They did not move.

I called for their help a further ten times. They still did not move. Or fire at the enemies. They just stood there, making fart noises with their armpits. I didn’t understand the problem. Time was running out. I was bleeding to death. I closed my eyes, said the magic word, and jumped into the game.

The cold North Pacific wind was on my face. The damp ground of Skira soaked my back. My throat was hoarse from shouting. I was there.

I leapt up and angrily marched over to my squad. They dropped their colouring books and felt pens. I told two of them to point their guns at the enemies pouring out of the depot, and to fire said guns. Then I ordered the remaining one to heal me. Once I was healed, I led a daring escape from the fuel depot. I completed the rest of the game in one sitting like this. I also helped my squad mates to achieve their life goals. For example, Avery, my medic, had always wanted to write a folk song about marshmallows. I sat with him by a campfire and we worked out a melody. The lyrics flowed naturally.

Peace and melodic folk had been successfully brought to the previously war-torn island of Skira. However, this was not the first time I’d used my secret power for good.

The enemy soldiers featured in the Call of Duty games suffer from grenade addiction. It holds them back emotionally. Sure, it helps them on the battlefield, and a happy side-effect is that it provides rich and rewarding grenade-dodging gameplay for the player. What happens when the fighting finishes though, and these soldiers have to go home to to their families and home towns?

Did you bring the grenades? All 3,405,322 of them? Good.

I established grenade addiction clinics in all the major theatres of war. I gave the soldiers 15 step plans, in German, Russian, Japanese, and broken English. I encouraged them to talk to each other about their problems. I told them that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel like the entire world wants to point at their demolished homes and crater-filled gardens and laugh. Slowly, but surely, they started to feel like they were in control.

Eventually, they stopped throwing so many damn grenades all the time.

I also jumped into Grand Theft Auto IV and Saints Row. I went door to door with a flip-chart. I explained to every citizen of Liberty City and Stillwater the need for a sense of self-preservation in all of us. Using a diagram, I explained that should they ever, ever, drive into me for no reason again when I was on a timed mission there would be consequences. I explained that I would come back to their house, and bump into them as they tried to get ready for work in the morning. I would push them over just as they were trying to get into their car. I would make them late for an appointment, and then I would make them take the whole journey again from the beginning. It worked.

I jumped into Fallout 3 too. This task was a simple one. I took in a box of small mirrors, and gave one to each raider I befriended. I also gave them a comb each, and a small leaflet with pictures of reasonable, practical hair styles. I tried to convince every single raider I came across (between giant scorpion attacks) that they don’t need to waste the small amount of bottle caps they have on hair gel. There’s no practical need for someone who is starving and slowly dying of radiation poisoning to have a massive blonde quiff. The caps are better spent on food and water. I got through to some of them.

What's happening? Is my hair ok?

The longest-term and most emotionally devastating project I’ve taken on has been inside the Command and Conquer games. The units in there needed my help the most of anyone I’ve seen. They all struggle greatly to achieve their life aims. All they really want is to serve their leader and follow orders, but once you get more than 3 of them in a group, an apparent melancholic malaise sets over them, and they start to forget who they are.

I feel such passionate sympathy for them. As the years went by I started holding seminars in each game. The mantra I spread was “If I tell you to move somewhere, or fire at something, I quite literally mean for you to move to or fire at the point I have indicated”. It was the snappiest wording I could conjure.

The problem was the schools. It still is. Little Mammoth Tanks, Ore Trucks, Tesla Boats, V2 Rocket Launchers, Tanyas and their fellows are taught from a young age to love their leader and also to say something military-sounding in an exaggerated accent when selected. Above all that though, they must follow orders. Until they are in a group with more than two friends. Once in a group, they are taught to ignore orders and wander off in a random direction. Preferably into the line of fire.

Right, let's go! Wait. Can anyone else smell waffles? I'm not going anywhere until I get a waffle.

It has taken five thousand flip-charts. Ten thousand marker pens. I’ve drawn the same diagrams in every conceivable colour in countless meetings with Kane, Stalin, Einstein, Tim Curry, and the rest. We have talked for months on end, desperately trying to find a resolution. Still the bureaucrats resist change and stand in our way.

I will endure, and I will triumph. For the units. For the little Ore Trucks that come up to me and tell me they think I’m “cool”. For the smile that lights up on their cherubic mechanical faces when I give them a small bit of ore to go off and harvest.

This great power of mine comes with a great responsibility. I am the guy who can jump into games. If I didn’t have this power I think I’d be driven mad.

Oh, wait.

]]> http://ready-up.net/2010/02/07/the-guy-who-can-jump-into-games/feed/ 7 http://ready-up.net/2010/02/06/needlemouse-in-the-house/ http://ready-up.net/2010/02/06/needlemouse-in-the-house/#comments Sat, 06 Feb 2010 08:00:22 +0000 James http://ready-up.net/?p=19760 Sega, Sega, Sega. You really had me going for a while there. I thought your consistently awful 3D Sonic titles were the result of some nihilistic campaign, a plot to assassinate the very icon that put you on the gaming map. The treatment of your flagship rodent has been so diabolical of late that the poor bugger has been seen slinking onto dual carriageways, curling up into a little blue ball and waiting for an articulated lorry to send him to the big hedge in the sky. Thing is, Sonic’s unique relationship with machinery means that these lorries inevitably explode upon contact with his jagged mane, showering the tarmac with chassis parts, entrails and golden rings. Not only are these attempts dangerous, traumatic and messy, but their repeated failure leave Sonic functional enough to take the next call from the worst character agent in video game history. “What’s that? Sonic: The Curse of the Club Footed, Faith-Leaping, Kart-Racing, Vampire-Zombie-Douche-Pirate? I’m sorry, you’re breaking up. Perhaps there’s a better signal under this lorry…”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yet now it turns out that all this clumsy, tridimensional chasm-diving has been a smokescreen. There I was, believing that you had been eroding the credibility of one of the industry’s most recognised and adored mascots for your own sadistic amusement, like a bored child pulling the legs off kittens. In fact, you had been strategically lowering consumer expectations, so that when you announced Project Needlemouse was in fact Sonic 4, a continuation of the original Sonic the Hedgehog series that began in 1991, faithful Mega Drive disciples would jump and skip and click their heels with unfettered joy and eternal gratitude. Never mind that it’s turning up a decade and a half late. Never mind that Sonic Team has spent the last two generations playing with its 3D engine, only to fall back on design concepts from the 16-Bit era. Sonic is back on a 2D plane, charging from left to right like the sneaker-sporting woodland critter we all know and love. This is fantastic news, right? This is what I always wanted, isn’t it?

In truth, there is a huge part of me which is delighted that Sonic 4 is being made. The best Sonic games of the past 10 years have been the ones that embraced Sonic’s side-scrolling heritage: the Sonic Advance trilogy and the Sonic Rush series. I bought a GameBoy Advance for the sole purpose of playing a new Sonic game that didn’t completely suck. I’m as partial to a bit of nostalgic platforming as the next 27-year old man-boy, and it’s fair to say that there are few who have ever done it as well as old Red Shoes has.

I did my own little dance when I heard the news of Sonic’s upcoming resurrection. There were hand movements and everything. But when I sat down again I felt oddly deflated. It was the same feeling that passed through me when I realised that the new Mario Bros. Wii game was just old Mario Bros. with four player support. Many years have passed since Sonic made his Green Hill debut. The last instalment of the series proper was in 1994. Is the situation so bad that Sega needs to reach this far into the past to resuscitate its golden goose?

The evolution of Sonic. Proof that Darwinism doesn't work.

I, like many of my kin, am of the opinion that Sonic should never have entered the third dimension in the first place. The quintessence of Sonic has always been his speed, an element that is very difficult to incorporate into 3D platformers without making them extremely tough to control. None of the current-gen efforts have come close to delivering the sub-light-speed thrill of the Mega Drive originals, so it makes sense that Sega would want to return to the format that made Sonic great. The problem is, it’s taken Sega such a long time to come around to this conclusion that it makes Sonic 4 seem like a bit of a last resort; an admission of defeat coupled with a retread of well-established territory.

Sonic 4 is a guaranteed hit, and provided Sega stay as true to the template as they have promised I’m sure it will be a welcome dose of rip-roaring retro fun. I’m equally sure it’ll be the best Sonic game I’ve played in years. We’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and I’m not trying to taint the undeniable glory of finally getting what we deserve. I’m just finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that after 16 years and three console generations, we’re right back where we started. Since when did going backwards feel like progress?

While my bones and muscles were working out the correct way to fit together, I decided to spend some quality time on the consoles playing games that involve little movement except for my thumbs. In any case, I settled down on my dedicated gaming sofa.

Free parking.

Everyone has a place where they park themselves for a game. It may be a sofa, it may be a bed, it may even be a squishy beanbag. My particular gaming space is a sofa with a complicated arrangement of pillows and an accompanying blanket, one of those ’snuggie’ or ’slanket’ ones that looks like a fleece you’re wearing backwards. Laugh all you want, but blankets with sleeves are perfect for playing video games. No need to poke your hand out of warmth to turn up the volume, for example.

The first step was to adjust the cushions and pillows to prop me up. Cushions soften the awkward shape of the sofa’s arm and a pink beanbag pillow served to keep my head up so that I could look at the screen easily. The sleeved-blanket was on and within reach were the necessary snacks and beverages. Wonderfully settled in, I then proceeded to play for several hours without moving anything except for my thumbs.

Sitting down was perfectly fine, or rather leaning against my pillows was perfectly fine. But then when it came to move off the sofa, to go and have something more substantial to eat than Pringles, the pain was awful. After spending such a long time sitting down, and worst of all, slouching, my hunched shoulders becoming more pronounced as time went on, my already tender back was positively raw. Well, perhaps I over-exaggerate but it was damn painful and there were quite a few cracks of the spine.

I'm falling (over) for you, Chuck.

If you have a friendly Wii Fit trainer (I call him Chuck) then you’ll be used to him rabbiting on about proper balance and posture while he encourages you to wobble precariously on one leg. If you don’t have a Chuck, then you may have that crick in your neck, that twinge in your spine or the cramp in your leg that tells you you’re not sitting properly, or you at least need to shift yourself out of that butt-groove you’ve carved into your seat, at least for a little while. We can all speak from experience of the discomfort that results when you finally have to get up if you haven’t been sitting correctly for a while, or even just sitting for too long. I got so absorbed in conquering kingdoms in Little King’s Story and decapitating angels in Bayonetta that I spent the rest of my time in bed lying flat because no other way was comfortable. Which meant no more Wii, no more Xbox.

It’s not so bad though, since this story has a happy gaming ending. I own a DS Lite after all! Still, my arms started to hurt from holding it up to play while lying flat on my back. Seems I can’t win…

It might be the ideal but it's rarely going to happen

These days most of my co-op playing is left till I venture to a friend’s house for a holiday but if I just can’t wait then I do have one sneaky trick up my sleeve – I’m ambidextrous. Not 100% but good enough to pass, and therefore good enough to run two characters through a precarious environment on separate pads at the same time without my head exploding.

Time to kick some butt x2!

Of course this is still very limited to certain genres; platformers or puzzle games can be easily done with me looking stupid with two pads… and it does come in handy for the lefty flip achievements in Guitar Hero but as I have found out, the two pad approach should never be attempted in a FPS. Many of the people who came to the last Scotland meet up for Ready Up would have seen me playing on the Wii and switching my playing hand every few minutes. A sneaky ploy that I will now admit was to allow me to beat people on endurance alone as I always had one hand recovering! So, there you are – my little secret is out. But if ambidextrous skills are natural enough for me to be able to play two characters simultaneously, what other natural perks have my fellow gamers found? Do you have a vibrating finger? Can you play better with your feet? Whatever your gaming talent is, let me know!