Sex. We all want it. Whether we’ve got it or not, we all want more of it. Luckily for us, as the average age of gamers is constantly on the rise a similar rise is occurring in X-rated content, or at least the suggestion of it. I welcome it. It’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot. Welcome to the kinky corner of Ready Up. Here we can relish in the naked form, both male and female, and what better person to guide you than me. Zoey at your service, your resident sexpert both in and out of the virtual world. Sure, I love the occasional kid’s game, but there’s nothing like an injection of sex appeal to make a game more intriguing. Let’s face it, whether you admit it or not, sex sells. The way I see it, if I’m going to be sold something I’d rather it was from a bikini-clad sex-bomb than a blimp in a t-shirt. Even before we open that crisp layer of cellophane to get into our possibly raunchy new game, there’s sex. Hell, the girl on the left could convince me to think about rebuying a PS3, at least for long enough to get her phone number!

So, what games are out there for those wanting a truly ‘adult’ game? Well, in this blog I thought I’d introduce you to the most blatantly sexual sim game out there – The Virtual Encyclopedia of Sex. Whilst officially a ‘learning’ game for all those with dreams of Casanova-like skills, this game allows you to design your people right down to genitalia and piercings. Once created your job is to experiment with different partners and positions in order to fuck well enough that you should be given a medal. Reverse cowgirl, missionary or something a bit more exciting, it’s all in here with the ability to fondle various things as you see fit. So basically, this is a porn sim? I hear you ask. Well, yes, but they do give you handy hints on how to improve as you go.

Ooooooh! Watch out for rug burn!

It’s essentially a sim game crossed with boobs. What’s not to like? By mastering basic foreplay and positions whilst being given tips on how to make the couple orgasm, you can unlock more complicated positions. Play enough of it and you may soon be wondering why your real life girlfriend doesn’t seem to bend that way. But hey, not every woman’s that flexible (for the record, I’m made of elastic). Whilst highly entertaining and ‘educational’ this sure as hell isn’t going to be fun for all the family as this ‘learning’ game could terrify those both young and old. However, hours of fun could be had with this, if only to be told consistently that you’re a stud in bed. How many video games can do that? You may think your Commander Shepard is the hottest thing in the galaxy, but some ego stroking never hurt anyone. Even the most confident of us in real life would like an unbiased grade, surely.  So what are you waiting for? Sure it’s a bit more full on fucking than some of the sex sequences in other games, but after years of people making naked skins for The Sims characters and making all sorts of sex toys in Second Life it’s clear that there is a big audience for this sort of game. Maybe when a Kinect version comes out it can be to your sex life what YourShape is to the perfect beach body. Multiplayer could really be a help for long distance relationships…

Join me next time as we continue our journey into the world where sex and videogames collide And remember: it’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot.

Kinky Character #001: Bayonetta

Kinky Facts: Despite a wardrobe filled with outfits for every sexual fantasy, Bayonetta’s default outfit is still a favourite. Whilst looking like durable PVC, it is actually made of her own hair, meaning our feisty witch is essentially running around in the nude. Add to this a sexy accent and the fact that we all know she’s a bad, bad girl and this is definitely the character we should all be fantasizing about. If that’s still not enough for you then start watching her lollipop action when she indulges her sweet tooth! This is one woman who loves to give head.

They don't make them like this anymore... except when they remaster.

A modern DS classic; well worth playing.

I look into the future releases and all I can find is the next Sherlock Holmes. It’s a damn good job I still have my humble DS to broaden my possibilities slightly, but is my love of the genre really going to force me back to PC gaming, or are we going to see another uprising? Come on guys, so many classics came out of this genre for a reason ‒ the mind-bending logic appeals to many a slightly kooky gamer and we must have it back! Until the console world catches up, I guess I’ll have to stock up on DS games, and hope that Grey Matter can scratch my point and clicking itch.

In Lips, as in most older games with a leaderboard, there are of course the achievements that frankly make you want to cry. In this case, it’s for getting one and then twenty songs scored within the top 1,000 in the world for a bronze cup. It’s all well and good trying to get to the top of a leaderboard within the first six months of a game being released, but when it’s been out for years your chances are startlingly reduced. And the main reason for this? Cheaters. Dirty rotten cheaters who have had the time to find and exploit a loophole to get a ridiculous score. Half the time you don’t even know how they do it, but there scores are so far adrift from the rest of the population that there really is no other alternative. In the case of Lips, people have come up with ideas such as turning the mic volume down, boosting the volume on the tv and simply holding the mic next to the speakers. Superb score and a clutch of medals everytime without singing a word. Wonderful if you want to cheat, but frustrating to hell if you want to get the ‘chieves legit.

It may say "cool" on the far right, but let's face it - it's really, really not.

Rant over. Now we get to the shameful yet celebratory section of my blog. At Christmas I decided it would be a good idea to buy the “Santa Baby” DLC. Picture sexy Santa outfits and a breathy voice and it’s slightly less lame than it sounds, honest. Ahem, anyway, long story short, I can sing it AND my partner can sing it (sure it’s in a gruff rock voice kinda way but it’s a good contrast). We can sing it so well that we got the fabled leaderboard and then some. Ranked 36th in the world at the time, I even got an avatar award for getting a gold medal. It just goes to show that cheaters do prosper, but eventually you can find one thing you’re still good enough to beat them at! Will I be going for the 20 leaderboard slots chieve? Not a chance, but there was some definite celebrating when we got the first one. It may not be the right time of year, and the game might be lame, but never underestimate the simple pleasures of singing an Xmas song with your loved one. It can be very rewarding!

It may not be December, but she'd freeze if it was...

Of course, games these days are far easier than they were 25 years ago, and console games tend to be easier than PC games by another couple of degrees, but game developers can still give us a challenge. Sure, they sometimes go a little too far (Super Meat Boy and Demon’s Souls spring to mind) but there’s always the option of a challenge for those of us who want it.

Attempt at your peril!

As mentioned in my previous blog, I was uber excited by Final Fantasy XIII-2. As both a JRPG nut and a completionist, FFXIII-2 should have been the latest game to tick all my boxes and push my abilities as a gamer. “Should” be the operative word. I love the game. To pieces. The storyline is original and immersive, the battle system is improved and super tactical, and there’s more of a free roam element than in FFXIII. However, it’s just too easy. I can understand that in order to gain a wider audience games may be need to be a tad easier but I can’t help but feel it’s FFXIII-2’s most major failing. It just removes any epic feelings when you come across a gigantic armored monster that should be able to stomp you into itty bitty pieces and then you sail through the fight. Don’t get me wrong, there are some challenging fights, but as a whole, even the post-game sidequests don’t present that much of an obstacle to overcome. The icing on the cake has to be the difficulty settings. For the first time, there actually is a difficulty option. Should you be new to RPGs or simply want a cakewalk then you can lower the difficulty to “easy”. Bizarrely, that’s the only option. Whilst you can make the game easier, there’s no option to crank it up a notch. Where’s the “hard” setting? I hope this isn’t the start of some sort of trend. Whilst I may not want to be playing everything on “Insanity” or “Nightmare” these days, I enjoy playing on “hard”. I like the extra satisfaction I get from pushing myself that little bit more and I need the opportunity to do it. I guess I just hadn’t realised how important the challenge aspect is to me. I’m looking forward to getting back to something a bit more taxing.

FFXIII-2 - Such a good game, but where's the challenge?

Wise, wise words from Mr Pratchett there, and there’s no fantasy addict bigger than moi. With less than two weeks to go till Final Fantasy XIII-2 my excitement is building so quickly that I may just explode. Sure, there are plenty of haters out there that slated the first one, but the sales don’t lie. I adored the first one (once you got past the first few hours) and I just can’t wait for the sequel.

What new adventures await me?

Of course, this isn’t the first direct sequel in the Final Fantasy franchise. Sure, there’s plenty of people that slated FFX-2 for it’s extreme campness and crap gameplay, but it did add some fascinating story bits. Seriously, if you persevered to the end there were some great bits hidden in it. I often find myself confusing which bits were in X and which bits in X-2. Brimming with optimism, I assume that XIII-2 is going to have learned from past mistakes and will deliver as solid a gaming experience as any other Final Fantasy title.

I loved the worlds of XIII, the contrast of Gran Pulse and Cocoon, and I just can’t wait to be back there. The alternate timeline idea opens up so many new story options, whilst not treading on any toes. Let’s face it, Lightning was one of the best Final Fantasy girls of recent years – strong yet feminine, looking out for her family and sexy enough without going over the top – and I can’t wait to continue the tale of her and her sister.

Can Lightning save the day?

Needless to say, I have my preorder locked and loaded, and once it arrives I’ll be lost to Cocoon for many months to come. Gorgeous guidebook? Check. Preorder bonuses? Check (went to Game for their extra outfits and additional Omega boss). Awesome looking special edition? Check. Not the crystal edition, however. At £30 more than the special edition “never to be on sale” T-shirt is fairly expensive, especially when there’s no mention of it coming in anything but blokes onesize. I decided not spending my hard-earned cash on enough T-shirt to make a tent was acceptable enough. However, if I spot a girl sized T-shirt anywhere else, I may just have to buy that too.

In short, I cannot wait and will drive everyone around me crazy until I get it. The game I imagine is so wonderful that I will gladly give it a few months of my life, as I have every other title in the series (except XI and XII). However, until February 3rd all I can do is get lost in my imagination and final fantasize.

The game itself is a mostly 2D platformer with a quirky and interesting look, lifted straight from the comic. Whilst the platforming maybe 2D, you do have to look out for traps and enemies in the back and foregrounds, giving it a unique twist on a genre done to death. Scarygirl uses her tentacle in order to help traverse the landscapes with it enabling her to grab items, attack enemies or even hover like a helicopter. Bunniguru dojos can be found to teach you moves along the way. Additionally, you will find wandering shops, in which you can upgrade your Scarygirl by buying new moves, or even attachments for her tentacle to help her fly for longer, swim faster, attack quicker, etc. Of course, all this involves payment, and you’ll find your stereotypical gems along the way to use as currency. You can also be helped by Bunniguru by getting a second player to engage in the drop in/drop out co-op. Of course, we still need a special move, and that involves fighting to fill up your rage meter. Once full, Scarygirl can unleash a monstrous form from within her to create one-hit-kill attacks. The effects are brief, but devastating.

What begins as a peaceful experience soon ends up frustrating, unfortunately, as the challenge curve accelerates quicker than you can upgrade. Additionally, fiddly controls will leave you wanting to throw a pad. Whether it’s picking a path in the foreground, trying to aim your throw, or just fighting some of the tougher enemies, the controls are imprecise and allow you no option to switch to the good old-fashioned d-pad.

As you continue the story, you’ll find the imagination of the developers obviously ran short, as you will find yourself battling swarms of the same enemies with no checkpoints whilst locked in one screen. It seems that Scarygirl suffers from that well known XBLA problem: extending the longevity by making you do huge chunks without a checkpoint, and throwing impossible numbers at you (N.B. Even with these cheap deaths extending my time with the game, it was still completed in less than six hours). Whilst earlier levels can be challenging in an oldskool, “Yes I’m that damn good”, kind of way, by the end of the game you’ll just find yourself grinding your way through, thinking of all the good platformers. Having first been delighted with the quirky look of Scarygirl, I was then delighted when I’d finished it.

Ta-da! The new dashboard.

Once upon a time, in a time before Kinect, you could say whatever the hell you wanted in your gaming space without fear of any repercussions (as long as your headset was off anyway – keep it clean people, there’s kids out there). Then came Kinect and we had to learn to say 360, not Xbox when in general conversation otherwise you’d suddenly end up launching something. It was a lesson I never really learnt unfortunately, and now it’s causing chaos. Whereas once it just meant an untimely trip to the Kinect hub (annoying, but hardly the end of the world), it now can lead you anywhere.

When on the phone trying to tell someone the new dashboard had arrived I used the now forbidden X-word, of course this was promptly picked up by the system without me paying attention. I then followed up with the K-word, which my system decided was close enough to count as “next”. I carried on talking about the LoveFilm update and before I knew it, it was selecting an “action” movie for me to play!

Maybe if I had a thesaurus I could avoid the buzz words?

There are now soooo many words available to say on your humble dashboard that the word Xbox now needs to be censored. Maybe even outright banned, unless of course you’re intentionally addressing your console. Never again can I utter the word in my lounge. N.B. Additionally, it turns out I can’t say “egg box” as that is heard as close enough. Maybe the equivalent of a swear jar could do the trick. Something needs to work, or before I know it my avatar will be dressed as Santa, my theme will be Twilight, and my music list will be nothing but Jedward. *Shudders* You can’t let this happen people! As I’m sure these are all signs of the apocalypse it is up to you to help me talk less about games… at least when I’m in front of the games. Kinect voice controls may be very cool and futuristic but until I learn to censor myself I guess I’ll have to keep shtum in front of the ****. After all, I’ll learn eventually, right?

Until then I have to find SOMEWAY to keep me quiet!

Ta-da! Impressed? You should be ;)

It’s funny the things you remember about achievements. I remember my first very clearly. I was running through Kameo: Elements of Power on launch date and suddenly “ker-plink!” and I was hooked. Of course, achievements were a lot harder back then (yes, it’s the same as school exams, and rationing etc.), and you would never expect to max a game. Still, I worked my butt off earning each and every one I could, in a time where big releases only happened every few months.

Then there was my first maxed game. I currently stand at 86 completions (40 retail titles, 46 XBLAs) but there’s a few that will always be memorable. Indeed, I was maxing games so early on that the first title that went into this category was Oblivion. Okay, it was closely followed by a Tony Hawk’s game that I had already maxed on the original Xbox and wanted to see the difference in generations, but that’s besides the point. I worked damned hard to max Oblivion and so it deserves to be remembered.

Yeah, okay. That's a lot of completions...

It’s funny how these things snowball as the achievements become easier. I remember two years after I got my 360, desperately trying to race a friend to the 10k mark. I hate to say it, but I was beaten. Work got too hectic and I just couldn’t put in the hours, but 2 years, one month and a smattering of days since the launch and I got that five figure score that had evaded me for so long.

But then there’s now. Less than four years since I tipped into a five figure score, and here I am at the big 100k. And what pushed me over? A simple ‘chieve in The Sims 3: Pets. I hate to think of the time that’s gone into my gamerscore but I’m happy in the knowledge that I don’t scorewhore. Everything on there is a game I’ve enjoyed, or at least attempted to enjoy. Sure there’s a couple of easier games on there, but personally I thoroughly enjoyed TMNT. And when it’s compared to the hours and hours I spent on various JRPGs I don’t think anyone can say my score isn’t well earned. I know it’s a small score compared to some (how they have a life is beyond me) and I know it’s mammoth compared to others (who probably wonder how I have a life!) but I’m proud of my gamerscore. I doubt I’ll ever reach another big milestone (unless the score continues into the next gen) so I’m happy to stand back and smile when I think of my gaming accomplishments.

Let the celebrations begin!

Kinect Sports 2 is exactly what you’d expect – highly accessible to a wide demographic of gamers. With tutorial videos to show you the moves whenever you do something new it’s easy to jump straight in. Couple this with higher difficulties needing to be unlocked by a win, and you have a very basic starting point that any gamer should be able to enjoy (Please be aware that when you play the top difficulty this game will have you puffing and panting with the best of them). It even removes the excuse of not knowing about sports by boiling them down to their simplest form – handy for those who don’t follow the sports in question. If you do follow them you may find it difficult to overcome the bastardised play, but once you start to get into the game that fades away pretty quickly. With an estimated calorie counter added in (seems a little high by my reckoning) you can even feel like you’re doing yourself some good by playing.

Right, let’s kick off the review (no pun intended) with American football. No mini-game for this one but this can be seriously fun once you forget how blasphemously far it is from the real sport. The most dumbed down sport on the disc, it does redeem itself with an option for you to call the plays. For n00bs, this means that you decide whether you want a short, medium or long pass and in what formation. You can choose to ignore this and let the coach call the plays but it does add a degree of depth. A great deal of the commands work seamlessly with the voice controls, and it certainly feels natural and rewarding to be shouting on the pitch. Occasional commands seem to struggle to be picked up but overall it’s very impressive. You can expect to find yourself throwing a ball, sprinting to the end zone, and occasionally kicking a field goal. Great fun and moderately active, this is a super addition to the Kinect Sports repertoire.

Next up to the plate (sorry, I just can’t help myself) is Baseball. Another American sport, but seriously disappointing. You can expect to find yourself swinging a bat, running the bases, catching the ball and pitching in various ways to exploit the opponent’s weaknesses. In fact there’s so many different interactions that it can become confusing as to when something is needed. Of course, you are prompted, but this can still get boring fast. There’s no tangible connection in this one and it feels like it’s just making you do things whilst it plays the game without you.

Darts seems overly optimistic in two ways to me. Firstly, I’m not convinced it’s a sport and it definitely feels out of place in the collection. Secondly, Kinect may be impressive but this is overly ambitious. Simple enough in theory, you throw darts at a board that hints where you should aim, but this does not respond well in practice. The movements required are simply too small to be accurately registered. It feels too much like luck when you get a good shot, and can end up frustrating rather quickly.

Golf  and Tennis have always been a sport compilations best friends, and this is no exception. The gestures are incorporated incredibly smoothly and these are fun and natural experiences. These two play just as you’d expect and can deliver bundles of fun.

Skiing. Surely this should belong on a winter sports edition, as it just seems another odd choice in this bundle. One of the more athletic games, it is definitely worth a look. If you’re jumping in and out of different sports then this may lose some of it’s charm but on it’s own it’s something different. Enjoyable but a little too short, the aim of the game is to beat your opponent through a slalom course.

Challenge is an additional mode in which you play a mini-game, an individual golf hole or a ski run. Once done you can issue a challenge to one of your friends list and see who comes out on top. It’s entertaining enough but unless you’ve got some competitive friends you may miss out on any real joy here.

Old stats now, but still very impressive

Launch date – words that are synonymous with a small handful of terrible games. With the surprisingly fun Kinect Adventures packaged free with the hardware, you could be mistaken for thinking that the launch day curse was broken but despite one decent workout, one decent cyberpet, and one decent dance game the rest were missable to say the least. This left a lot of hardcore gamers feeling pretty left out, but it was good enough for launch.

Then came the start of something magic – Kinect XBLA titles. Two of my favourite gaming concepts, spliced together in a wonderful way. So far we’ve been given Fruit Ninja Kinect, Leedmees, and Hole in the Wall but on the way are Haunt (a haunted house extravaganza) and the much talked about “Fable on rails”. Ok, ok there’s still some kinks to work out in the XBLA department, but no one can deny how much fun Fruit Ninja was.

We’ve reached the stage now where Kinect sequels are appearing thick and fast. Out or shortly arriving we have Kinect Sports 2, Dance Central 2, Your Shape 2012, Kinectimals DLC “Now with Bears“, and Zumba 2. Basically, if it was a hit it’s back for a second try, and I for one couldn’t be happier. The Kinect system was amazingly sci-fi when it launched last year, but as with all tech, it can now be improved upon. Better tracking, more voice interaction but essentially the same games beefed up? Let’s face it, we know that they’ll sell, and I know I’ll buy them.

The area that really interests me at the moment has got to be the integration of Kinect into games that don’t require it. Obviously Child of Eden kick-started the craze when they announced their ethereal shooter could be played with a controller or without. But with voice commands creeping into many a game as an additional extra it appears that a plan to make us completely at home with Kinect is well underway. After all, these games aren’t small titles. You’ll find Kinect compatibility in Burnout Crash!, Mass Effect 3, Forza 4, Halo: Anniversary and many more. Whilst the early titles may have targeted the casual market, there’s no doubt that these titles are for the serious gamer. We really are watching synergy at work. You may not want to dance around your lounge in your underwear, but I’m guessing there will be many a gamer happy to yell out team tactics in a shooter*. Kinect is invading your gaming whether you like it or not, and I’m delighted with the progress it has made in year one. Happy Birthday, Kinect! Let the innovation continue – let’s see how you grow in year 2. Hip-hip Hooray!

*Personally, I’m greedy. I enjoy dancing around in my underwear, and kicking ass in a shooter :P

On this occasion, the cake is not a lie!

We all know how to shoot a sniper rifle. Actually, we could all be fairly successful with a chocolate-box like assortment of weaponry, or so we like to think. We can easily discuss the pros and cons of one pistol over another. Years and years of playing shooters have, however, left me unable to fire a gun in game without reacting in real life. This became obvious as I sniped my way through Deus Ex recently. Steady breaths, then hold your breath and squeeze the trigger. I wouldn’t mind if it was a conscious choice, but I’m a little concerned that I may be a sleeper agent.

…You see air vents as an acceptable form of travel.

Where would the video game be without the air vent? They’re everywhere and they’re crucial. But you can only see so many without wanting to see where they lead in real life. Of course, it’s not just air vents. The whole world is really one big video game level. Who hasn’t seen a Mirror’s Edge route in a town? Or seen a barrel crying out to be shot? Sure, you could try that roll from Burnout, but at the end of the day, it’s probably best left in the gaming world. No matter how strong the urges.

…You dream in video game format.

It’s all well and good spending your waking hours in a pixelated paradise, but how many of us can’t escape when we sleep. Some people may be skipping through meadows or stroking kittens (at least I assume this is how non-gamers dream), but whilst I slumber I’m busy levelling up. Cameos from games characters are fairly standard, but some of my dreams even feature a retry mission option. Reload the dream with the new knowledge and change your tactics. Success will come every time… as long as you have the right spell available.

…You don’t read manuals for the new *insert appliance here* because you’re sure all you need to do is ‘Press interact’.

We know how it works. You get some staggeringly complicated piece of equipment with functions you’ve never seen before. Your other half starts thumbing through the manual. You rip it out of their hands, say it’s not necessary and cautiously approach. You wait for the button prompt to “use” the item. It’s not there, this is the real world. Dammit, oh, hang on, there’s a button that kinda looks like an x. That’s the one. Problem solved. Of course the alternative is  that your ninja/shooting/stealth/RPG skills mean you don’t need a manual anyway, because you’re already an expert. Hell, if you can hack any computer, disable any alarm and run your own farm then this new dishwasher?! It’s a breeze.

…You can instantly remember at least one gaming related injury. And no, it didn’t involve a Wii.

It’s all very well publicised that n00bs out there are injuring themselves with motion controllers, but there is another type of gaming injury. The hardcore and/or veteran gamers will know exactly what I’m talking about. Whether it’s shoulders, knees or backs done in from posture held for hours on end (ask Kirsten for details), sprained wrists or dislocated thumbs, there’s an unhealthy portion of gamers who will recollect some real life pain from their digital exploits. Me, personally? I’ve dislocated a thumb with Dead Or Alive, strained a finger on numerous occasions, I have a callous on the palm of my hand from my marathon weekend of Tony Hawk’s, and don’t get me started on the blisters! The way I see it, you can’t save the world as many times as I have and not pick up a few battle scars.

Such a n00b injury. This is nothing.

The main mode of the game is Discovery. Each level is shown as an element on the periodic table, and in order to unlock everything you must “discover” it all (I say all, but two segments have been left locked currently for DLC purposes). Once this is done, you can redo levels in preselected groups with harder, combined goals in Challenge Mode. If that wasn’t challenging enough, you can then redo this again with tougher goals. If that still isn’t enough for you then watch out for the bonus levels. As you complete goals in Discovery you will start to unlock these, which take the same form as the regular level with a different goal. Instead of keeping your mercury intact, the goal is to collect vials to increase your blob up to 100% before ending the level.

One of the most impressive things in Mercury Hg is the mercury itself. It really does act and feel as you would imagine. Whilst you split your mercury, colour it in and put it back together you really do feel like a kid playing around with a chemistry set.

The sense of achievement when you max out a level first time is wonderful. Whilst the game gradually increases in difficulty there is nothing too alarming here for the casual gamer. You only need to finish the level to move on to the next, and you can always go back on separate runs to complete the additional goals. This provides a level of challenge that can be selected by you, rather than forcing it, and therefore provides a much more enjoyable experience to a wider audience.

The whole feel of the game is very serene. The levels gently pulse with the beat of the music (which can be selected by you), the design is minimalistic, and even in timed areas it just doesn’t feel very pressured. This removes any frustrating elements, and draws you in to a point where replays are almost as fun as the first time through.

Whilst generally a neatly made game, there is a problem worth mentioning. Occasionally, levels will grind down to a snail’s pace, making gameplay almost impossible. Although this can be fixed with a simple restart level, it can be a real nuisance if it occurs on the last level of a challenge set. At this time I cannot find any information about a patch, although with DLC on the way you can feel certain there will be one.

There are seven different worlds, totalling nearly 70 levels, for you to fight your way through as a viking, elf, boar or Death. Each completed level gives you a bronze, silver, gold or crystal helmet for completion, and these are used to unlock the new worlds. The worlds aren’t really that different, with a simple animated backdrop being the main visual change. However, the helmet system does ensure the learning curve is slowed down to a reasonable pace, as you hone your reflexes.

Whatever your challenge may be, you can also accumulate points and mutipliers by performing certain tricks. Mastering the tricks is entertaining, but it is also the key to efficient travel around the screen. This quickly becomes vital as the levels start to add more and more deadly obstacles and therefore less room for you to swing freely.

The challenges can get repetitive, but finding the best way to clear the stage can be taxing to say the least. Easy to play, difficult to master, Rotastic can give something to most gamers regardless of skill level. If you want something quick and fun then a couple of individual levels can provide that, but if you want a more hardcore experience the scoreboards and crystal helmets mean you’ll soon be losing your life finding that perfect path.

Unfortunately there are a few little niggles in the game. Whilst none of them are devastating, they are worth mentioning. The music in the game harkens back to the SNES days, with one short piece of music looped to eternity throughout the entire game. At the beginning, it seems fun and quirky, but eventually it will get a bit much. Additionally, the narrator is not only incredibly loud but repetitive to a fault. Whilst reminding me of Naughty Bear in style (a plus in my books), an option to turn off the narration would be nice.

Rotastic also features a superb multiplayer mode, in which crystals, score or frags (cutting another player’s rope to plummet them into the abyss) can be set as the goal. Supporting up to four players, you will soon be thrown into a frantic free for all, in which even the steeliest gamers will have to crack a smile. Devastatingly fun and addictive the multiplayer could have been what propelled this game further into the limelight but lack of online multiplayer can’t be overlooked. In an era where online is generally overused to a point of boredom, Rotastic should be online as a casual gaming must-have. It’s not just a tag on, it’s actually a good party game but somehow this was overlooked.

Once upon a time, it feels like such a long time ago, games came in complete packages. There wasn’t any option to add stuff in later. If you didn’t get it in the game you had to hope you could use it in the sequel. Then came Xbox Live and the PlayStation Network. First we had a smattering of increased difficulties with no added achievements. A great example of this is Kameo: Elements of Power. It was a launch title and therefore got given a few fun downloads for people who had maxed it. Just little items for those who really wanted to master the game, in a time when retail releases had a bit more breathing room. They didn’t cost much and they were fun, but that was unfortunately only the beginning.

Then came the wonders of the “omg! you actually bought that?!” era. A time where every games developer was rubbing their hands with glee after it was discovered that we would buy anything. With a huge amount of (obviously overly wealthy) gamers snatching up Oblivion’s horse armour (a pointless reskin DLC that over five years later, we are STILL buying!), it appeared that there was nothing we wouldn’t buy.  Cue piles of character skins, “legendary” weapons and other pointless items that us gamers would shell out for. Still, that wasn’t essentially a problem, just a laughable piece of social commentary.

Really?! We're STILL buying it?!

Then came EA’s domination and lust for, not only wonderful games, but also the maximum profit that could be squeezed from them. Just think of the Mass Effect franchise as a lemon juiced till it’s dry. Just a waxen skin, with a few hanging pips left. Not a drop of juice to spare. Next to it, the equally pitiful sight of the Assassin’s Creed orange. But it wasn’t just EA who made this mangled fruit bowl – they just utilised it on such a scale that those living in Alaska couldn’t help but notice. The point however, was clear. Why make a game complete, when you can sell two thirds of a game at full price and then portion out the rest for more money? It’s obvious business sense, but ludicrously enraging for the common gamer. Suddenly, the marketplace is filled with additional levels, modes and characters… all conveniently ready to go within a week of the game’s release. Are we to honestly believe these items were whipped up that quickly? Not a chance. They just wanted to see if we’d pay for it… and we did.

I loved you Kasumi. Shame you lost the power of speech outside of your 1st mission.

Downloadable content should give you something new and special. Undead Nightmare, the main DLC for Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption is a perfect example of this. The game takes place on the same terrain but everything is reskinned. The zombie hordes require completely new strategies compared to the old gunslinger and it feels like something new. Gone are the days when I thought I should buy all the DLC to complete the story (yes, I’m talking to you, Alan Wake). The story should be complete on its own. Don’t we deserve the maximum bang for our buck?! Anything else added to the game should be different – not just a way to buy more achievements or sell us the level they took out. DLC has stopped adding to games and become a blight on the gaming world. I, for one, am tired of forking over my money because a game is incomplete without it. As far as I’m concerned, DLC is dead. RIP DLC; I can only hope you rise like the phoenix, more wonderful than ever.

The tale told in From Dust is a simple yet effective one. You manipulate a nomadic tribe who, following in the path of their forefathers or “ancients”, seek to form villages and wield powers to manipulate the environment in order to create a sanctuary. Along the way they learn the secrets of those who came before, which follows the old addage of “with knowledge comes power”.

The gameplay is set as a first person god perspective, with no ability to directly control your tribe. Whilst you may be powerless in that respect, be prepared to change the world, literally, as you control a ball that allows you to pick up environmental assets (water, soil, or even lava) and move them to more convenient locations. As you pick your way across the wilderness, you have to be a guiding hand to the tribe. Whether it’s building a bridge of sand across the river, redirecting a lava flow, or jellifying water to slow that incoming tsunami, the habitat has everything you will need. Each level involves reconstructing villages, up to four, whilst battling the elements and repopulating the area with fresh vegetation. It is essentially an exercise in balancing the forces of nature so they help bring order, instead of the initial destruction. Once the villages are resurrected, your villages may continue into a cave to bring you to your next challenge.

As you complete levels, new challenges will be unlocked. Separate to the campaign, these are puzzle-like levels, a couple of minutes long. Your powers will be limited, and your task specific, as you battle the clock to save the villagers in time. These can get tricky rather quickly and are really an additional level of gameplay once you’ve mastered the campaign mode.

Graphically, From Dust is beautiful. The speed at which you can carve a completely new landscape is staggering when you see how naturally the transition is made. With the elements being your only foe, the emphasis on the landscape has really paid off. It can be so pleasurable just to watch the terraforming take place after you move a river’s route.

The controls may be a little fiddly at points, but there is no point in the game where you will wish for a mouse. The simple pickup and drop system is instantly accessible to gamers of all ages, whether previous they have previous god-game experience or not.

The answer, in my book, has to be repetition. Any movie worth its salt has to keep on moving forward. It’s not accepted practice, nor should it be, to have five or six sections of the same thing in a movie. That’s not what you paid your money to see. It should be constantly progressing. Games, on the other hand, are built on a good idea rerun ten times. Bungie talked about the development of Halo, saying that to build the perfect game you must create a great thirty second experience and then repeat. Games require us to learn skills and then perfect them as the game progresses. If a movie used the same philosophy we’d be screaming bloody murder as the characters gradually get new weapons, and learn extra abilities. It’s the same reason that games movies tend to flop. At the end of the day, the mediums may be coming closer with all star casts and better written scripts but we’ve still got a long way to go. Whilst Pixar can create a movie packed with pace and character subtleties, this just can’t be portrayed in the gaming world. I love Pixar movies, but even the idea of the games just leaves me cold.

Such a great story to tell, but the game is terrible.

A quick look at Metacritic could not make things clearer: Ratatouille: the movie 96/100, the game 65/100. Toy Story 3: the movie 92/100, the game 76/100. WALL-E: the movie 94/100, the game 50/100. It really is shocking, but the facts are plain to see. Pixar may be the kings and queens of the animated movie (at least in the western world), but when it comes to games they should give it a rest. I’m thoroughly looking forward to Cars 2 at the cinema, but yet again, I’ll definitely pass on the game. This trend to milk every movie into a game has to stop. They have to learn to pick and choose. I have never purchased an animated movie game, but I look forward to a future where a Pixar game could capture half of the magic they give us on the big screen and deliver it to my console.

WALL-E and EVE – A perfect love story.

]]> http://ready-up.net/2011/07/24/pixar-to-the-power-of-zero/feed/ 2 http://ready-up.net/reviews/magic-the-gathering-duel-of-the-planeswalkers-2012/ http://ready-up.net/reviews/magic-the-gathering-duel-of-the-planeswalkers-2012/#comments Thu, 30 Jun 2011 15:17:26 +0000 Zoey http://ready-up.net/?page_id=40347 Welcome back to geek central as I look at Wizards of the Coast’s new offering; Magic: The Gathering – Duel of the Planeswalkers 2012 (MtG 2012). It may have the longest title in XBLA history, but does it match up to the original in other ways?

Based on the original card game, the series offers a more n00b friendly entry level, allowing us all to see what the fuss is about. At the beginning of each battle you and your opponent get a hand of cards from the deck of your choosing. This will contain a mixture of lands (needed to place creatures), artifacts (to boost your health and equip your creatures), spells (to destroy that pesky enemy) and creatures (ranging from the frankly pathetic to ground shaking terrors). All players start with 20 health and creatures are used to defend and attack the opponent.

MtG 2012 is a card strategy game, that will have the best of us scratching our heads as they overflow with tactical decisions. As in the original, you start with a couple of basic decks. By beating opponents in campaign mode you can unlock more advanced decks, and for each win with a deck you unlock new cards for it. However, unlike the original, in which a couple of decks could wipe the floor with all the others, the decks have a far better balance. There’s not one useless deck in the bunch, as a complete overhaul of the cards has left each deck with subtle nuances for you to learn how to use to your advantage. The majority of the old cards are gone, although a smattering of old favourites can be found, meaning the decks are all a totally new experience. Just because you hated the red deck in the MtG, doesn’t mean the MtG 2012 equivalent is remotely similar. In essence, any advantage you would have from playing MtG is gone. In order to get to grips with the latest installment you need to dive right in and try out all your options.

Whilst continuing with the single player campaign option, including challenges to defeat opponents in a puzzle setting, MtG 2012 also offers some wonderful new features. A Revenge mode is available once the campaign is complete, in which you fight the same opponents but with far superior hands. It’ll take an old hand with solid tactics to beat this mode.

The most notable addition is the Archenemy campaign, in which you and two friends (or AI helpers) take on one enemy. The enemy has twice the health of any single player, and at the start of each turn receives a scheme card. The scheme cards are drawn randomly and vary from drawing more lands to destroying any three creatures. These bonuses allow the enemy to put up a tough fight and will require teamwork to take them out. Unfortunately, you can’t play as the archenemy, but the mode gives a fresh new challenge to those who know their decks.

Now, on to the bones of contention. Real life MtG players wished for the opportunity to build their own decks, and unfortunately this is not one of the new features. You can now remove any card you wish, rather than just the unlockables, but this may not be enough to satisfy the hardcore players. The deck manager will adjust the amount of lands in your deck so you cannot go below a set number of cards, and players of the original will be delighted to know that this means twiddling your thumbs whilst you wait to draw some land is mainly a thing of the past. The more balanced decks mean that losing by sheer bad luck is reduced dramatically from frustrating down to an occasional “oh well”.

Finally, the multiplayer must be mentioned. In multiplayer you can play singles matches, Archenemy matches, and the old favourite of Two Headed Giant (2 vs 2, in which each team has combined health). After having a horrible time filled with lag and disconnect in MtG, I am delighted to report that MtG 2012 appears to have rare bouts of lag and otherwise plays as in single-player. The online modes are a joy to play and really add to the game.

If you’re at all in to mobile gaming, then chances are you’ve stumbled upon Angry Birds. With over 250 million downloads over PC, PSP, PS3 and various mobile phones, you’d be hard pressed to avoid it even if it’s not for you. Even my non-gaming mates (yep, I have a couple) are intrigued by this ridiculously popular game. But where’s the story in that? Well, the story isn’t actually about Angry Birds at all, it’s about the uprising in the Middle East. Using the popularity of Angry Birds as a well placed climbing block, a political view can be demonstrated with such simplicity whilst being amusing and intriguing.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Could it possibly be that gamers are interested in the politics of not only Azeroth, but also the lesser known world of Earth? I certainly feel it’s essential to know about the world’s situation, and if humorous gaming vids can bring attention to real-world problems then I’m all for it. I’m sure the Angry Birds clip wasn’t the first melding of the worlds of gaming and politics, and here’s hoping it won’t be the last. It’s a sign that gaming is growing up in the eyes of the media when it is shown on serious news programming. Whilst bringing attention to politics in the gaming scene, it is also very important that the grown up world is being shown how games can be used in this way. It’s a definite step against stereotyping, and isn’t that actually what a lot of politics is about?

What kids are making these days...

I am a complete addict when it comes to LEGO games, and with LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean now out I thought this was something I should come clean about. It’s not all plain sailing (no pun intended) between me and the LEGO franchise. I swore after LEGO Indiana Jones 2 that the hub system broke the game and the next game would have to be considered before playing. I swore after glitches in LEGO Harry Potter that that was that, I was never playing another LEGO game and that I was to be reminded of this when the time came. Now that time has come… and yep, you guessed it: I’m sitting here impatiently waiting for Lovefilm to send me LEGO Star Wars III and LEGO Pirates. I max them too quickly to warrant buying them so it’s a form of torture waiting for the discs to arrive. Luckily, this makes it seem even sweeter when I get my grubby little gaming mitts on them.

LEGO Pirates is going to be a different experience for me than the bulk of the franchise’s previous titles, however. The key difference is that I have seen the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. From what I hear, this is considered an advantage and means I can fully bask in the humorous changes, rather than claiming I don’t need to watch the movie as I learnt the plot from the LEGO game. I tried to watch Star Wars once, but it just didn’t seem right seeing them as people rather than LEGO characters, so I gave up shortly into the first film. Plus, let’s be honest, once you’ve played a full LEGO game you’re pretty much an expert on the subject anyway. I now know that I never have to sit through a Harry Potter book or film, as I am somewhat of an aficionado on the topic. Whether it’s Hermione and Harry fighting the dragon in the Triwizard Tournament or the secret routes around Hogwarts, LEGO Harry Potter has taught me all.

A rare chance to experience the full glory of the game

The LEGO franchise makes one thing crystal clear. From this humble block came many, many hours of play-time in my childhood, and many more as an adult. With so many film series begging to be immortalised in LEGO, I can only hope they keep ‘em coming. The Mummy? Terminator? Twilight? We’ll just have to wait and see what’s next.

So many hours of wonder, and yet it all started with this