I can count on at least one hand the number of human beings who refuse to be seen around me during daylight hours. Not, as one would expect, during a particularly violent bout of PMS or when I’m stifling drunk on a bottle of high-class vintage (2008) red wine. In fact I could be cross-eyed and tipsy, spraying on endlessly about my loathing of the arrogant mop-haired chap on the Confused.com adverts – Punch! Slap – yet I would still find a faithful friend stationary by my side, willing to endure the Wrath of Stacy ‘til the bitter – and often empty-bottled – end.

But I digress. What really embarrasses people is, in fact, my fashion sense. In an over zealous attempt at keeping ‘in’ with the ‘trendy peeps’ (if you’ll excuse my vernacular) I wound up at a hopeless loss, ultimately unable to sustain any sort of Cosmopolitan magazine without drawing moustaches and other amusing ‘items’ on the airbrushed models.

And this is where gaming meets garments. After bouts of changing room try-outs where everything seemed to make me look like a 12 year old playing dress up rather than a sophisticated young adult, I gave up. One day while browsing the games stores I happened to spot various t-shirts associated with Gears of War. It was a revelation. Suddenly I too wanted to wear fabricated blood and guts, skulls and similar symbols associated with the sadistic enjoyment of blowing people’s brains out. Just as football fans pay faithful homage to their teams, I wanted the whole world to know just how I felt about Doom. So I bought a t-shirt with the Doom slogan. And then I bought a Pac-Man t-shirt. Then I decided I wanted a change of pace so I bought a red tee with an old 286 IBM and the slogan ‘just DOS it’ printed underneath, which I thought was rather clever. Unfortunately my boyfriend didn’t agree and when I bought a Star Trek t-shirt he finally lost the plot and bought a Sheffield Wednesday strip (his beloved hometown team) just to wind me up. It worked. On the plus side this compromise allows me to toddle around Trekked up to my heart’s desire, though when he caught me on Forbidden Planet’s online shop dribbling over an Uhura costume dress he drew the line and threatened to embarrass me by publicly displaying a flat cap and pipe, as I am informed all Yorkshire men like him “were born to do”.

Of course I take all of this with a generous pinch of salt. At the end of the day clothing is clothing, no matter how it looks (with the exception of that football shirt, which looks hideous). One thing that does get to me though is the gender-based inequalities associated with fashion. Maybe it’s the social scientist in me taking over, but when I scour the rails of stores I often find it frustrating to see little or no clothing franchises [for females] that aren’t garish colours of baby pink/blue or related in some way to High School sodding Musical. It must be remembered that there are women out there who love their gaming! Every time I browse clothing sites or spot quirky 8-bit apparel my heart leaps, only to realise that even XS sizing would still make me look like a makeshift tent.

Luckily there are a handful of useful websites that challenge the traditional aesthetic of female clothing styles. Stuff those delicate t-shirts with decorative floral patterns; I want Master Chief plastered across my front!

D-A-C is a simple yet graphically pleasing top-down shooter with emphasis on fast-paced multiplayer battles. Three modes of play are available: versus, co-op and solo. There are also four different types of play, namely team, deathmatch, conquest and assault. Offline play is available but battling with your friends over Live (up to 12, if you have that many) has more appeal than sitting alone in your ready room. Er, bedroom. But with a meagre choice of three ships, three styles of play and not much else, there is a distinct lack of true Trekkie appeal.

Nonetheless the gameplay itself is solid. The left analogue stick is used to fly your ship, while the Y button functions as an overview of the map and RT fires weapons. Holding in the LT provides a speed boost. This can come be very nifty when a bunch of opponents are threatening to blow you to smithereens! You can also collect spherical power-ups that can shield your ship from damage, provide powerful enemy-blasting bombs or even ‘cloak’ your vessel making it invisible to the eyes of your enemies. As play progresses your ships weapon strength will increase, but beware as opponents will be all too happy to blow you into smithereens with their equally powerful craft. Should the worst happen and you find your own ship in this predicament, a swift punch of the A button will release you into a delicate pod. Keep this safe from lasers and bumps for five seconds and you will retain some weapon strength as well as respawning faster. What’s more, those with an urge to see just how magnificent (or shockingly poor) their individual kill ratio is can access individual player statistics from the pause menu.

As far as visuals go, there’s a balance of good and bad. The vessel is of a questionable size, but as any good citizen knows, size doesn’t always matter. Backgrounds are vivid and highly detailed though it can sometimes feel a little too intricate and overpowering, drawing the focus away from the ships. You won’t find fancy musical symphonies but the musical track is fitting if repetitive.

There is a lot of action in D-A-C but unfortunately the Star Trek tie-ins are disappointingly few and far between. There isn’t a great deal of varying gameplay and, coupled with some pesky visuals, this arcade release might just fly right by you.

The Godfather II is a third person strategy and shooter continuing from the first Godfather game released by EA in 2006. If you’re new to the bloody aggression of the franchise then fear not – you need not be a die-hard fan in order to appreciate a bit of illegitimate action.

The story’s protagonist Dominic finds himself promoted to Don of New York after a brief stint escaping political unrest in Cuba. Without going into heavy detail, the aim of the game is to rival ownership of businesses owned by the Rosato family while working with carefully selected allies that you can employ, promote and organise to monitor your shady network of deals and ensure that your enemies are put firmly in their place. By intimidating business contacts, finding their weak spot and exploiting vulnerabilities you can build an empire.

To reflect my nature I felt that Dominic should posses some attractive physical traits to help tide him on his journey. Character customisation can be tailored, ranging from intimidating shaved heads and throbbing muscles to balding white-haired men with sticky out ears and a protruding beer belly. My personal preference settled on luscious red hair and blue eyes and looked more like a DKNY advert than the boss of a brutal crime ring, but you know what they say about judging books. To be perfectly frank I have the hots for him, even if he does own more guns than I do shoes.

The tutorial introduces weaponry, techniques and tips as the plot progresses. The content is understandably mature with a fair bit of swearing, needless bloodshed and, most importantly, a stripper club containing a good number of scantily clad women – hallelujah – topless and on show. Unfortunately the graphics are hardly desirable, comparable more to the PlayStation 2 or Xbox than a current gen console.

A myriad of illicit activity may sound like a recipe for high-octane drama and scarlet bloodbaths, but in reality it doesn’t quite live up to its promise. The computer A.I is certainly the worst offender; it’s sometimes a wonder that opponents haven’t been accidentally set to suicide-mode. A few punches and a bit of a shake is often enough to bring them round to your way of thinking and most of the time they’ll stand like a dummy with their hands surrendering anyway. Discovering the weak spot of a shop merchant or restaurant owner is nothing more than trying different techniques and maybe smashing up some stock.

Driving to destinations is as disappointing as the vehicles you hijack, often given up by their petrified owners without a second thought and chugging along as if they were nothing more than Flintstones cars. Any hopes of fast-paced getaways are thwarted with one tap of the not-so-accelerator. All in all it is reminiscent of a stripped-down Grand Theft Auto.

Outwith the single player function there is the option for online multiplayer supporting up to 16 players and six maps. There are a couple of incentives that carry over to the single player such as any money you’ve earned/stolen, but nothing that’ll force your jaw to drop in anticipation. That’s the problem with Godfather II – the ideas are there, but it all feels rather undercooked and leaves you a bit unsatisfied.

I decided to ask a selection of high-scoring friends their opinion on achievements and exactly why they enjoy playing a level over and over, often going hours without sleep and risking backside-and-thumb related RSI just to add an extra 20 points on the end of an intangible number. One claimed that it was a “matter of pride and competition” while another explained that the sense of achievement behind unlocking the more tricky of challenges made him feel more complete. At this point I wondered if he were part of some sort of 10G-worshipping religion that promises eternal salvation and an impressive gamerscore in return for your immortal soul. Still, the sense of competition that nothing but an online leaderboard can provide is driving many people up the ladder of respect and power.  Except for me of course; my stepladder is nothing more than a Yellow Pages.

To further sate my curiosity I asked these men if they would rather date a woman with large appendages or large achievements, just to get an idea of how highly I should place my priorities. The umms and aahs surprisingly leant in favour of the latter; this revelation left me at a sulky stalemate because I have neither anyway. So it seems that if I want to obtain power and impress the opposite sex with a pheromone-producing score (much like the peacock woos with its colourful feathers) then I’d better get a move on and lock myself in a room for a few weeks with King Kong and his notoriously easy path to 1000G glory. Or I could do the right thing – what any honest desperado in their right mind would do – and get someone else to do the hard work for me. By the way thanks for that Jamie, I owe you one.