You have a healthy collection of six Heroes (AKA playable characters), each of whom have unique abilities, advantages and disadvantages, and a miniature humorous backstory. Yuri, being my favourite because I happen to be a big fan of all things Russian, is monkey-like, uses time-manipulation, while attached to a jetpack. The colourful array of characters also have a variety of levels ala Super Smash Brothers to shoot it out, but the premise remains the same throughout: get to the other side. However, things are refreshingly altered at times with environmental hazards and differing paths to the final goal. I can’t tell you how many times I fell for the stupid mechanical Venus Fly Trap clamp trap.

The problem is that despite the simplistic gameplay objectives and style, the game has one (current) glaring flaw on its record: I feel that it is a tad unbalanced. STOP! Drop the pitchforks. It does eventually balance out, but for new players the experience could be best described as brutal. The issue with the entire XP levelling system existing on a multiplayer exclusive game means that anybody who has yet to grind to the higher levels is at the mercy of those who have. My first four games, which lasted on average around 15 minutes a piece, left my confidence rockier than an army of Silvester Stallones. Rather predictably, suffering to enjoy the very first steps of a game I just booted was not exactly a highlight of my experience. As time went on it did level out for me, as I unlocked extra upgrades and characters, but I was still heavily reliant on my teammates also having the upgrades and characters else they get rofl-stomped or understandably rage quit for greener pastures.

The balancing aside, though, once I had a solid team together against another solid team then the game really opened up to me and I enjoyed what I saw. 2D shooter action, at a low cost, which could be used in split-screen or partied online with a group of friends. It’s not a tall order, but few have ever been able to deliver in such a colourful and enjoyable fashion. My best recommendation would be to find a group of two to five friends to either create your own team or face off against each other and have a blast. At the very least make sure to always have a tag team partner by your side so at least when you’re both getting squished into a puddle of n00bness you’ll have somebody to laugh with as you watch a time-travelling monkey flying around on a jetpack with a laser gun.

Congratulations, recruit! By reading this blog post in full you are now guaranteed citizenship. If you are reading this as the preview on the front page then you are not doing your part. Be a member of the mobile infantry today and click the link now. Inside contains one of our scientist’s best game ideas. Would you like to know more?

It’s a good day to die! We all remember this classic, and if you don’t there’s actually a full version available on YouTube of all places, and it deserves a game. Now before the hardcore fans jump on me and start screaming in the comments that there’s already a Starship Troopers game which was released back in 2005, I would like to clarify that I mean a game which isn’t 7 years old and so badly rendered that it causes my upgraded Alienware Aurora to chug like an overweight Scotsman during a Stella drinking contest. I want a new Starship Troopers game. An awesome Starship Troopers game. Rico’s dream Starship Troopers game!

The 2005 version had the right idea, but it was made by a small UK studio, Empire Interactive, who went bust in 2009 mostly because their most successful game was Big Mutha Truckers. Since then all their IP rights were sold to Zoo Games – may Thor have mercy upon all of us. However, that means that somebody out there does still own the rights to create a Starship Troopers game again, and that hope is enough for me to encourage this idea. While still adding a few caveats to make sure it doesn’t totally suck if it does happen.

The great thing about Starship Troopers is that the formula for success is really simple and can be boiled down to three key requirements: 1) Lots of references; either to the original movie, or the original game, or even other games and movies, as long as the satire is blended well with the references. 2) Lots of bugs; I know you’re tempted to have some human vs. human action in every game to shake things up, developers, but just give us unholy hordes of bugs to squish and we’ll be happy, don’t complicate things unnecessarily. 3) Satire; as mentioned above, just blend plenty of good satire with the references and the fans will be happy. In the original Starship Troopers game I heard a soldier shout out: “I’m so badass I scare myself!” More of that, please.

Not much to look at after you scrape them off your boot.

I think the most promising part of this possibility is that it is ripe for the Kickstarter trend that’s happening right now. I mean, ideally a major studio would back it, but realistically Zoo Games could just throw a Kickstarter out there to see if there was interest and offer out the contract to another developer if they wanted to. I’d happily throw down $20 for the prospect of another Starship Troopers game made for the modern day and age. Even an XBLA/PSN style release would be of better quality than the 2005 version that jitters around the screen like an indecisive hobo between trash bins. The fact that I know of fans who took it without lube through Starship Troopers 2 and then still went back and suffered through Starship Troopers 3 but still praise the original, myself included, shows that we are faithful enough. We are the mobile infantry. We are the fleet team. We are the roughnecks.

RICO! YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I’m going to take a risk. I don’t believe that this game needs any further back-up from me. I’m going to issue a call to arms that you’d want to see a Starship Troopers game. Get your battle song ready because the time is now, marine. The Federation needs YOU! If you do not cast your vote then the chances of a developer picking up on this idea is still 86% unlikely. Play it smart – go for the wallet pocket, and get this game made for good. If you want a Starship Troopers video game, which is filled with satire, tonnes of movie and game references, and more bugs then you can shake a boot at, then it is time to do your part. Come on you maggots, do you want to live forever?! I’m doing my part. I’M doing MY Part. I’M DOING MY PART!

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Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively then you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if you are a member of The Federation.

Is it 1989 already? My gosh I can’t believe that I’m turning one so soon! My how the time just flies… Wait, what? Oh! You mean SimCity is actually SimCity 5 but Maxis just decided to do that sequel thing where they just randomly begin again like Final Destination, Rocky, and Rambo? Minor title irritations aside, I’m actually extremely excited about this game. I’ve been a fan of the series since Sim Town (if you’re old enough to remember that, or dedicated enough as I am) and this looks, thus far, to be the most incredible Sim-civilisation game I’ve ever seen.

All elements of the game (electricity, pollution, natural resources, happiness, economy, etc.) have real-time data layers which will overlay your city with a single click of a button. Every vehicle in the game has its own goal and destination – which causes traffic, accidents, and means that no random cars suddenly disappear/reappear in your city, and you now have the ability to build curvy roads by simply clicking and dragging the cursor. Fires can now spread rapidly between nearby buildings if proper precautions and fire stations are not made, you can manually upgrade individual buildings and place the upgrades how you see fit as long as they remain attached to the original building, and for multiplayer you will be able to have somewhere between one and twenty (they weren’t 100% sure yet) players whose cities will be able to interact, help, hinder, and overall influence each other depending on each player’s actions.

We don't need no water...

It looks absolutely beautiful. The drop and drag building placement, the data layers, the toy model style visuals, and the fact they’re keeping some of the classic craziness (the likes of UFO attacks and such) means I’m super pumped about this game. There are a few downsides, though. The big two being that the game is taking too much inspiration from ‘The Sims’ for my liking. I know they’re technically linked by cannon but I like to keep The Sims feel of things and the SimCity feel of things almost completely separate. I don’t want an experience that is basically The Sims only further zoomed out. It appears to be a mostly aesthetic thing so far, and I’m hoping it’s just my paranoia jumping the gun. The second is that there is no Steam support. It’s Origin exclusive. This kills me a bit inside because while I’ve never actively tried to hate Origin, the whole idea and implementation still rubs me the wrong way. Hopefully by 2013 they’ll have streamlined the service a little bit more so it won’t become a massive issue.

Crysis has come a long way since it was once used to test the durability of your computer and see if it would catch fire and commit suicide from the menu screen alone. Crysis 3 is finally coming and it’s bringing a bow and arrow with it. Once again, I must stress that this was a visual presentation only and so all gameplay opinions come from watching them in motion and not experiencing them first-hand. That being said it still looks freakin’ sweet! You’re in New York City, the year is 2047, you are Prophet, aliens are still invading, and Psycho is screaming in your ear as you try to sneak up on enemies. It’s that same glorious Crysis we’ve all come and known to love only it’s bringing even more to the table than before. It’s the same song but with much better instruments. Prophet has new weaponry, the Ceph are fast adapting to the jungle environment that NYC has become, and now you can finally start taking it to their extraterrestrial asses using a taste of their own medicine.

Prophet can now utilise alien weaponry. He has the ability to pick up any gun he sees fit, including any and all human technology, and now even has the skills to hack various pieces of kit. There’s an over-arching story element that explains how and why, which we weren’t allowed to know about yet as it’s a surprise for the finished product. The only hint we got about it was that the idea was very ‘District 9′ – so take from that what you will. My personal favourite weapon they mentioned that features in the game is the ‘Typhoon’ machine gun which fires 500 rounds a second, but what they really wanted to put on show, though, was the bow and arrow. It has multiple ammo/arrow types which can be used for killing, with a ‘killcam’ style killshot if you happen to nail a particularly amazing long range shot, and perhaps most importantly can be used with your cloak activated – the only weapon in the game that won’t affect your cloaking abilities. This is quite a big deal because Crysis, for a while now, has bragged about the choice between stealth and full-on balls-out warfare as ways of completing missions, and the bow and arrow might just be the clincher that makes me opt for ninja over Schwarzenegger.

Can you tell the bow features heavily within the game?

Having only seen a very brief, obviously heavily planned, playthrough of a section of Crysis 3 I don’t wish to heap too much praise on it as Crytec are renowned for being able to make things looks as gorgeous as possible with very minimal effort. However, these latest additions have definitely helped to peak interest. The fact that the Ceph are adapting to their surroundings and therefore changing shape, tactics, and weapons adds a new flavour to an already well established enemy. Plus, while it’s possible they’re being touted as more than what they are, the bow and arrow combo is going to be a very interesting concept because Crytec are very unashamedly pushing players to consider stealth as more of an option than it ever has before.

I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed all the previous Battlefield games I’ve played, but 3 just left me wanting and frustrated. Close Quarters, though, is exactly the kind of gameplay within Battlefield 3 I sought after. Four new multiplayer maps, all focused on indoor close quarter combat, and with plenty of destructible and damageable scenery. A simple concept but one I’ve been clambering after for many months. I actually got to play this game, but was restricted to only playing a single map – Donya Fortress. If the other three maps are as good as this I will tip my hat and admit that Close Quarters is bloody brilliant.

It’s quite rare in this industry that a huge chunk of real estate on a Showcase floor will be dedicated to a four map DLC pack, and even rarer that out of all the games featured that it would have the strictest embargo thrust upon it, but I can see why EA has done it. Close Quarters is a big deal. This is a map pack that has a very specific gameplay element that hasn’t been truly exploited by BF3 as of yet. I never imagined I would be in a game where there were more shotguns than there were snipers – yet there I was perched upon my EA branded chair experiencing just that. It was amazing because while I still play Call of Duty, and am quite a fan, it was fantastic to be able to have the quicker gameplay pace without the ridiculous craziness which comes with it. This, right here, is a truly awesome map pack.

Michael Bay joke.

I won’t waste words on explaining Battlefield 3 gameplay or anything of the sort because if you’ve made it this far then you probably already know what I’m taking about. The action was fast-paced but it was never frantic. The various routes to different capture points meant I actually got to plan strategies, get a few stealthy knife kills in, and, when the time came to it, gun down a third of the opposition using a P90 because they all foolishly wandered into the same corridor without checking their corners beforehand. I can see that for some Battlefield players this may not be what they’re after, but for others this really could be quite the game changer. No vehicles, no snipers (mostly), just you, your team, and your gun and knife. It was a joyous series of games with some of them coming right down to the wire score-wise. Close Quarters is the most fun I’ve had with Battlefield 3 and you are welcome to take that as a shining recommendation or as the ramblings of a madman who took this long to see the light.

I happened to see Medal of Honor: Warfighter first on my very long day of trailers and presentations. Sadly, Warfighter was based purely around a single trailer and Q&A session after. Which was mildly disappointing, but did lead to a nice info drop on the game. Warfighter will use the Frostbyte 2 Engine, have slow-motion door breaches into rooms full of enemies, peaking and leaning around corners will be making a much demanded comeback, the option of switching between two sights on your gun mid-combat, selective door breaching methods – meaning when you breach a room you will have a choice of how and using what equipment – and it will all take place in Basilan in the Philippines.

Go get 'em, Dark Price!

It by no means looks like a bad game. In fact it may very well end up being a very enjoyable first person shooter, but the trailer and Q&A which I witnessed was pretty uninspiring. In a genre of games which is already very flooded you need something extra to keep your head above the water and I just didn’t see any of that with Warfighter. The gameplay, the set pieces, the general atmosphere, and characters all seemed like rather mediocre versions of already available counterparts. I’m not dismissing it; I didn’t even get a chance to play it, but I think Medal of Honor: Warfighter needs to take more risks. MOH survived on being the best World War shooter, but now it needs to find a new edge – fast. I just hope it’s not too late.

You may not have heard of The Secret World, at least I hadn’t before the EA Showcase, but whether you have or you haven’t heard of it before now it is definitely deserving of your attention. This was the first game I actually got to get my hands on and play at the event. I confess I was expecting another dull copy-cat PC adventure game, and it turned out to be one of the most superb MMO games I’ve played ever. For those of you who haven’t heard of it before, it’s an MMORPG which is set in modern times, but where ancient mythologies, real and false history, urban legends, pop culture, and conspiracy theories all turn out to be true and all interwoven with a connecting backstory. It sounds like a brilliant concept, and one which I can’t recall ever having been made before – or if it has it couldn’t have been well known. You and your buddies play as supernatural heroes and travel from London to Atlantis, to New York, to the future. It’s the first MMO that has been mentioned to me where I haven’t rolled my eyes at the basic storyline and motivation of the character I’m supposed to be roleplaying as. It could be just my mentality, but I’m certain that I’m not alone in being rather tired of constant, fantasy MMO’s coming out and dropping to free-to-play within a year of release never to be heard from again.

Shop smart. Shop S-Mart... YOU GOT THAT?!

The chunk of gameplay I was permitted to play involved a variety of magic, gun, and melee based MMO combat and used the standard number key configuration and right mouse clicking (can you tell I’m not well versed in MMORPGs yet?). The difference here, though, is that there is no class based system. You create your character, and then you have a skill wheel where you can add various XP points to whatever skills you want to master in as they are not pre-built. Want to be a wizard who can snipe a Cyclops’ eye out from a 10 mile distance? Do it! You can even customise your ‘loadout’ of skills so if you want to have one set of attacks which focus on melee and magic, and another that utilises purely gun based weaponry then the switch is only two clicks away. I mean, I used nothing but high-powered AUG machine guns pretty much 24/7, but you know what? I can. My character, my loadout. The Secret World definitely gets a thumbs up from me. If I have MMO money lying around when it is released in June then I’ll happily get a band together over on our forums.

That damned poker mode!

It’s Bejeweled Poker, that’s what got me. You essentially have to match jewels as if they were poker hands. Four of a kind means you matched four blue diamond jewels rows in that round. It’s ridiculously addictive and surprisingly competitive. Myself and the anonymous journalist person, were battling it out against each other’s scores right to the very last second. The Popcap folks were packing up their area around us until they finally had to turn the machine off. On the plus side? It’s cheaper than a heroin habit.

Flight Control! You remember that game that came out for iOS devices where you had to guide different flavours of planes on to different landing strips without them crashing into each other or flying off the screen? Well, I have some terrific news for you, Flight Control Rockets is pretty much exactly that – only in space. With rockets. I’m not going to lie, the only reason I’m mentioning this is because while the game feels very rehashed gameplay-wise, the original was quite moreish. Plus the rocket version does admittedly add more challenge by making various rockets act differently and have special abilities to make you want to throw your device even harder at the wall, so that’s worthy of some level of praise.

Green - my new favourite colour.

It’s same deal as the original where you must attain a highscore, which will be compatible with Game Centre, and you do this by guiding as many rockets into the shuttle bays as you can before you crash two of them together. I found the green ones to be my saviour because they always flew straight to their destination at a speedy pace and never split-off into two mini rockets whenever my finger grazed over them. The red ones are the true bastards of this game, and if you don’t believe me I dare you to go out there and buy this for 69p and not have a stomach ulcer by the time you hit 400,000 points. Dare you.

The Act was again, like The Secret World, actually quite an unexpected joy. It’s an interactive movie kind of game, a modern day point and click, where you control the actions of the protagonist Edgar by swiping your finger towards or away from certain objectives. If you want to flirt with a girl then the more you swipe towards her the keener you come across, and if you’re attempting to blend in with a crowd the swiping determines how serious or relaxed you are – that kind of idea. It’s simple gameplay but the controls are so tight that even the slightest bit too much in either direction can cause catastrophe and cause you to start the beginning of the whole sequence over again.

Swipe screen to increase the cheesiness of that grin.

Here’s the kicker, though: it’s all done during a 80’s style cartoon comedy. The gameplay, cutscenes, and successes/failures are all part of the same cartoon visuals and it works perfectly. It really does. I was actually sitting there, in a large room of people, with an iPad in my hand laughing my ass off without a care in the world. I think the clincher was when I almost dropped the iPad and swiped the screen so fast Edgar, quite literally, leapt onto the girl he was flirting with at the bar for a kiss and got appropriately battered away. Magnificent stuff, and I really hope this one is a success and there are many more still to come afterwards.

The term ‘classic’ is thrown around all too often these days. Not that I want to become that old man shaking his walking stick at the latest sensations at the age of 23, but in my eyes something must hold up for at least two decades before it truly earns its wings and the title of ‘classic’. There are some true greats of our time which will almost certainly, one day, be deemed classics, but for now, in my eyes, it must have been released prior to 1992 or we have not got an accord on that “classic” label.

However, we’ve got three decades of unadulterated awesomeness behind John Carpenter’s 1982 classic – The Thing. The movie ranks up there as one of my all time favourite greats of the horror franchise and one which I have owned from VHS, to DVD, to Bluray and likely beyond. It was also a video game, exactly two decades later, in 2002 and was, at best, a mediocre third person shooter. Gameplay was rather mundane, voice acting was God awful, and almost every enemy was a Half Life rip-off. In 2011 they released a remake of the 1982 movie and it was, without question, the closest you could come to pissing on the franchise without taking your underwear off. I say we, the video game industry, begin to make up for this by remaking the 2002 video game and making it AMAZEBALLS.

The original game had some truly brilliant ideas for the time, but it was just lacking the technology required in order to fulfil these ideas’ potential. The Thing (2002) was the first video game to implement a trust system, where your team spoke and reacted differently depending on how much they trusted you, and was shockingly maintained continuity with the movie as the plotline was technically the closest thing The Thing (1982) had ever had to a sequel as the events occur after the movie — unlike the 2011 movie which was technically a prequel. The issues mostly lay in a lack of development time and money; now however, I believe that this game could happen with enough fan support.

The Screenshot.

The only element the 2002 game was missing was the technology and fine polishing. Binary Domain has shown that trust systems can now be implemented brilliantly in a squad based scenario, there’s a myriad of games which use squad controls and orders, and if they can nail 50% of what Amnesia: The Dark Descent did in terms of atmosphere then we may just be on to a winner here! There wasn’t anything wrong with the original game, it was just bland, but I believe a sequel of that video game is the answer. There would definitely need to be a different plot, I believe we can do better than the 2002 video game, and really push the trust/fear element and you can sign my ass up for a £39.99 pre-order at any games retailer right now. The only real remaining issue is how to get the public to rally behind this game idea, because I’m pretty sure this is not one which is going to get a Kickstarter miracle.

The Headcrab.

I say, as this is Pipe Dreams after all, that we bring in John Carpenter to do the writing and characters for the game! He’s already worked on F.E.3.R. and that was unexpectedly good, and he was merely a consultant. With an incredibly small film budget he made the classic Thing movie, imagine if we gave him a major studio and an average game budget to see what he could do with it. To put this into perspective; The Thing cost $15 million, a relatively small budget for a major motion picture starring Kurt Russell, and the game Too Human is rumoured to have cost $60-100 million. Therefore, I suggest, we take all those currency notes that are being thrown at these bad games, and move them to John Carpenter’s wallet!

You know what? Why stop there? Let’s bring the Amnesia team on for this, let’s grab Kurt Russell – he’s surely free to do a simple voice over cameo, and we could even create some sort of rule that says there won’t be a mandatory horde multiplayer mode and will instead be in place of stuff like ‘Invasion’ which is effectively an infected lobby only with ALIENS. Oh! There could even be a separate co-op mode where your team must decide whether or not to trust NPCs, or a score bonus if a player gets infected outside of view of the others and then remains in the team. In a sort of ‘time bonus’ scoring system. You see? You see how these all work?! Go out there, watch the original 1982 movie, play the 2002 video game on the platform of your choice, ignore the 2011 movie to death, and then come here and tell me you wouldn’t want them to make a whole new The Thing – 2014 video game version.

That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams, my name’s Duncan Aird and I approve these dreams.

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Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively then you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if you were born in the 80’s.

No, but seriously, Ubisoft did hold a stand up event last week, for a surprisingly large group of journalists, to reveal some super awesome, new, unleaked, information about Assassin’s Creed III which (screenshots aside) are now my duty to showcase right here and now to get you all excited in your brain and pants. There was beer, and hog meat in bread, and even a veritable army of red coats with muskets; which they were very generous about letting you touch given the blood alcohol level we had all achieved in celebrating the anticipation of AC III. Enough about the booze and the dead pigs in attendance though, let’s talk GAMES.

On the off chance that you haven’t been keeping up with Assassin’s Creed III news at all, allow me to give you a super quick one paragraph run down of what is already know: It turns out that it is set during the American Revolution (which, for the history impaired, took place between 1753-1783), it will feature an entirely new historic protagonist hero in league with the Templars, and… well, that’s pretty much it. Not a huge chunk of information was really announced past that. If you don’t know anything about the American Revolution, then allow me to give you a super quick one sentence run down of it: go pick up a book or Google it. Knowledge is power. GO!

The event was a relaxed affair but a very information heavy one so I apologise in advance if this feature is a bit more data ridden than normal but there was a lot mentioned and I don’t want to miss a single bit. Fortunately for me it was all presented by Ubisoft’s Director of IP Development, Tommy Francois, who holds the title for the most French name of any Ubisoft employee I’ve ever seen in person. He, and his rather perplexing American sounding accent, actually made the entire presentation incredibly interesting and charming all in one go.

Alright, now that we have set the scene and know what the American Revolution was, let’s start off with the first meaty topic which had a chunk of information revealed: the new protagonist. His name is Connor. Connor is a half Native American, half British assassin with a proclivity for climbing up nearby forestry. He has a delectable variety of weapons which include duel pistols, a bow and arrow, a tomahawk, and a rope dart (all of which will be detailed in greater depth down below). Even though a large portion of the game is likely to take place within The Animus, there was no mention of who is on the other side controlling our new hero Connor.

Click to enlarge

I won’t waste words describing bygone history because everybody here now knows all about the American Revolution (right?!) but I think it is absolutely worth talking about the setting(s) and environments which were on show. Ubisoft have not been too subtle in trotting out that, for a decent portion, the game will feature more foliage than Snoop Dogg’s wallet during a Neil Young concert. However, what I found unexpected was that it all seemed so smooth a transition for the series to make. The branch hopping, climbing, and swinging were all revamped from the ground up, as Ubisoft proudly boasted, using their new Anvil Next (???) engine. This meant there are new movement animations, jumping, crouching, and parkour-style manoeuvres all deliberately and meticulously created solely for this new natural environment which Connor will be bounding about in. Not to mention that now, finally, you are able to not only mount over objects but also roll/slide under them as well.

The smoothness and grace in which Connor swung and clambered over wide open terrain through tree branches, fallen logs, and more looked superb. If the finished product even hits 80% of that throughout the entire environment then consider my doubts firmly put to rest, and that’s not even mentioning the snow. Oh yes, the snow. With a new engine comes new possibilities and Ubisoft really seem to be set on changing the terrain as much as possible with particular emphasis, at least what they showed us, on snow. Depending on the weather and depth of snow Connor will travel faster or slower. Forcing you to either trudge stubbornly through four feet of snow or leap, hop, or otherwise prance around it in order to keep your momentum going. The same goes for long grass only to a lesser extent as far as slow down is concerned. It isn’t going to change the world as we know it, but any element which adds to Assassin’s Creed’s gameplay through the use of strategy and stealth is welcome in my books.

Click to enlarge

As we’re already on the subject of improvements let’s keep that wagon trail moving and mention that you can now use moving ‘Leaps of Faith’ (you see what I did there?). Plus, moving objects, such as carts and carriages, can be used to vault whenever you are free-running. Two small but very interesting additions. The moving LoF I find more of a cherry on top of the ice cream than anything else, but being able to use moving obstacles to escape your pursuers is a whole new flavour to get the taste buds flowing. Ubisoft know that AC is nothing without smooth, seamless transitions and in order to compensate for the significantly larger, more open areas with these little touches are an absolute joy to behold.

There are also now dogs, children, and wild animals scattered around the game as well. As far as I could tell the dogs and kids just do what dogs and kids do… sit around and exist. However, the wild animals, just the ones we saw, include deer, wolves, and bears, and are not only attackable but also skinable. Ubisoft kept their cards pretty close to their chest on this but during one video Connor was attacked by a wild bear and the option for skinning was briefly shown so it’s likely it will be something to do with armour/apparel upgrades depending on if you make a clean kill or not (knives are clean kills, guns are not).

Click to enlarge

Keeping the improvements coming Ubisoft have stated that the NPCs (Non-Player Characters) are also vastly enhanced compared to all the previous AC games. The most notable moment was when a street seller was not only attempting to sell a product to Connor, but actively chasing him and seemingly changing the price of his items as he shouted for you. Ubi also claimed that if you listen in to NPCs talking that you will pick up hints on where enemy strongholds are, local gossip, as well as how your own notoriety is doing. Quite impressive considering that they did casually throw out that the engine can support up to a 2,000 character draw. Meaning there can be anywhere up to 2,000 visible humans on screen at once. These two facts aren’t necessarily related but I only have so many words and I just need to get all of this in as best I can.

Click to enlarge

Okay, words are beginning to run short so it’s time for a super quick, and professional, run down of the weapons on show which were usable by Connor (I keep wanting to type Ezio):

The Bow and Arrow: It’s a bow and arrow. I assume it will be used as such. We didn’t get to see, but he definitely has them!

Duel Pistols: As Ubisoft is still pushing the mildly ‘realistic’ and ‘historically accurate’ line these are available but will take a while to reload, meaning they are far more likely to be used in a clutch situation where there are just one or two too many enemies to deal with using only hand-to-hand combat. We’ll just pretend that the gun cufflink never happened.

Tomahawk: Whoever thought of making a tomahawk in the shape of the Assassin’s Creed logo deserves a raise. A HUGE RAISE. It looks amazing, and is gory as all Hell when used properly. This one definitely gets my ‘Coolest Looking Killing Thing’ award.

Rope Dart: Originally dubbed the ‘Chain Blade’ (a name which I still think is way more badass) but changed due to historical inaccuracy this weapon seems to be what it says on a tin: a hooked dart on a string. It is rather reminiscent of a grappling hook but seemed to be able to be used for not just reaching higher plains but also for stringing up unsuspecting enemies. It looks like it could be extremely interesting but we really weren’t shown enough of it to truly praise it as the next big thing. Tomahawk for life.

Click to enlarge

We’re in the home stretch now, folks, just need to cover my final three new things and then it’s time for the wrap up. The three final things are the cover system, the kill animation, and the new interior free-running. That’s right, my friends, I said interior free-running. We only caught a very sparse glimpse of the phenomenon but it is a very real thing that is happening. Connor was being chased down by a group of Red coats and during the chase he bunny-jumped across a market place, in through a building window, and through the building to the other side and kept going. Details were unsurprisingly vague but we were promised this was a set feature in the game and not a single one time moment used for the in-game video where this new addition was shown. This could mean big things for escapes in tight situation. I just hope there’s a mechanic in the game somewhere which makes Connor splat against the window if he’s too slow and it gets shut on him like a dim cat leaping for a laser pointer.

Click to enlarge

There is now a cover system. Connor can duck and hide behind objects (not just chest-high walls) presumably for stealthy cover or to avoid gunfire. This is the first Assassin’s Creed game where the enemies’ main weapon is likely to be a firearm so it’s a logical step. I just hope it isn’t as mandatory as most cover systems tend to be when they’re implemented into a game. I’d happily accept it if they announce some kind of Matrix style bullet dodge to balance it out in the future.

This may seem like a miniature tacked on fact at the end (because it kind of is) but Ubisoft have chopped out the slowdown time when you make a kill on an enemy. It still slows, ever so slightly, but it’s not even measurable in whole seconds. It’s a small detail that makes a big difference because when both the combat and the movement combined run smoother than Morgan Freeman doing a vocal reading of ‘Goodnight Moon’ then you know you’ve got a winning Assassin’s Creed game on your hands (paying attention, Revelations?!).

Click to enlarge

Okay! There. Deep breaths everyone. That as much as I can churn out without this feature becoming ludicrously long. I believe the long and short of all that was that Assassin’s Creed III looks to be adding more stuff and making existing stuff even better than it was before. Tomahawk. Dammit, I could’ve totally just made this feature a Tweet with that level of succinct skill.

Anybody who keeps up with even the vaguest amount of gaming news will have heard that the Game Group haven’t been doing so hot lately. Shares are plummeting, stock is being sold off at the same price as Tesco own brand curry sauce, and administration has now been confirmed to begin any day now. They need a saviour, a buyer, for the business and they need it fast. I believe that I, Duncan Aird, have the solution. The ultimate takeover bid which would the company breathing and get shoppers back into GAME without a fire-sale to entice them.

It’s fair to say that a majority of gamers in the know somewhat left GAME for dead a little while back. Their ‘New’ game selection was often outshone by the local ASDA, their pre-owned prices actually made using old games as coasters seem more cost effective, and trying to sell Brink for £42.99 any time in 2012 were arguably some of the factors which lead to this abandonment. However, my takeover solution, with the proper marketing and with GAME doing some basic restructuring, I believe would bring in new and old customers alike and give the entire retail outlet a second life…

BOOM! GAME and the retail high street for gamers is saved. Forbidden Planet place a takeover bid for GAME, make 25% (or so) of the shop floor dedicated to their current merchandise, and we are sailing pretty, my friends! I realise that this is a Pipe Dream and that it’s unlikely to happen but I genuinely believe this would be the ultimate way to not only keep GAME alive but to increase its revenue stream right off the bat.

Games and comics are known to go quite hand-in-hand, more and more by the day, and wouldn’t you love to be able to walk into your local game’s retail and buy a copy of The Darkness II AND grab the graphic novel/comic book series to go along with it? Hell! Promotional idea: Buy the game, get 20% off the graphic novel. SOLD! Forbidden Planet already has a video games section in most of its shops anyway so they’re already somewhat aware that their business works well alongside video games.

Mandatory 'Shut Up and Take My Money' Caption.

If this takeover bid happened, out of nowhere, over 500 retail stores would overnight become the local comic book shop of its prime customer demographic. Just… just think about that for a second. Your local GAME could become your one-stop-shop for all your geeky, gamey needs and the shelves would be packed to the rafters with dreams which we could not even fathom 10 years ago. Sure, GAME would have to step their game up (pun intended) and make sure they improve on their current business model by aiming more at new game sales and keeping pricing competitive, but this could work.

This would save GAME, bring in more money to the company, make consumers happier, get more people into reading as a whole, and help bring convenience back to the retail market. Do it, Forbidden Planet. DO IT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE AND WE GET STUCK WITH GAMESTOP!

That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams, my name’s Duncan Aird and I approve these dreams.

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Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively then you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if you were born in the 80’s.

Any person out there who has dared to venture into the wilds of the Mojave will already be nodding their head in agreement merely from the title of this Pipe Dreams. I must have, easily, sunk over 250 hours into Fallout 3; across multiple play-throughs and every piece of DLC Bethesda released. I even dropped around 50 hours into New Vegas, though I’m told that I hold the unpopular opinion of considering Fallout 3 to be a superior game in almost every way. This level of dedication, though, has lead me to a very simple conclusion, it’s 2012, dammit; WE NEED PIP-BOYS!

So. Much. WANT.

As we can plainly see; hardcore fans and people with more physical creativity than me have already undertaken such endeavours. Most, thus far, have been nothing more than an LCD screen which mimics the Pip-Boy 3000 from Fallout but does little else. I say it’s time for Bethesda to start selling out this bad boy. It’s simple; make a mould of the case, just like some of the fans did, and start selling Pip-Boy 3000 related products. Make one which is a day/life planner to keep track of your day-to-day life, plans, and diet. Put a camera in one and make the Pip-Boy screen the preview section – you could even add some photo-editing software for on the go. Hell, just make one which is just the most over-the-top watch in the history of the world. You remember those old Casio watches which had about 12 million buttons but still got the time wrong? SCREW THOSE! The Pip-Boy 3000 portable time monitoring life assistant will have 12.1 million buttons and still let you know when daylight savings comes into effect. BOOM! Sold. Each and every one.

All Hail Vault-Tec Jesus!

You know what? You don’t even have to make totally new products. Just make a Pip-Boy 3000 which can help accommodate already existing inferior technology. I don’t care who, or where, you are in the world, if you played ANY Fallout 3/New Vegas and own an iPhone you’d buy a Pip-Boy 3000 iPhone holder. Imagine it. You get a text, you lift your left arm up and you quickly hammer a message away on your Pip-Boy while everyone who plays games on the bus marvels at you and the rest take a few steps back and begin to alert the authorities. It’d be BRILLIANT!

Oh! You know what else would work? PIP-BOY LASER TAG! Usual rules: you have a laser gun and the hit detection pads, your opponents have the same, but you know what? This is FALLOUT laser tag. Your Pip-Boy 3000 uses GPS tracking to map your enemies’ location, your health, the numbers of hits you’ve made, even the current leaderboard. Full, up to the minute, laser tag stats all from your Bethesda approved Pip-Boy 3000 Fallout laser tag game set (each Pip-Boy sold separately).

This Particular Example is Lacking Some Aesthetic Detail; But This Could Be a Thing!

The weirdest part is that I don’t even care which one of these they go for. Even if Bethesda just gave up on all imagination and released a Pip-Boy 3000 that was nothing more than an extremely expensive wrist-weight I’d still be slamming my pre-order down on Amazon. There’s only so much work the fans can do, Bethesda. If you had the time and money to invest in getting ‘Brink’ onto store shelves I know that you can dedicate enough time and effort into charging me from £29.99-£149.99 for some of the afore mentioned products. The post-apocalyptic future is NOW; GIVE ME MY PIP-BOY!

That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams.  My name’s Duncan Aird, and I approve this dream.

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Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively then you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if you are a lover of Marmite.

I would like to start off by saying that you will get a ton of gameplay for your buck with this trilogy. Not Skyrim levels by any means, but for the £30 (RRP) there’s a lot of platforming to be had. Assuming you’re not a total completionist, you’re easily looking at 35 hours of gameplay. Want 100% on all three games? Probably pushing double that. I’d forgotten just how much stuff there is to do in these games. Between all the collectables, the general exploration, and trying to complete every single mini-game AND get all the newly added trophies, it can really drain your entire week. I know, it did mine, but what a fantastic way to spend six hours a night.

The HD graphics are beautiful; they haven’t been completely remade Halo: CE style, but some extra polish and shine to the old ones really does make all the difference in a game that focused more on bright, colourful environments than trying to be realistic. After the first 20 minutes into The Precursor Legacy I’d totally forgotten that I was playing a game that was over a decade old. Fans of the series will not be disappointed at all. Nostalgia may be a very powerful thing but the looks, the charm, the comedy, and the gameplay is just as satisfying and gleeful as it was back on the Playstation 2. If you’ve never played Jak & Daxter before then this is definitely the way I would recommend jumping on board. It’s totally and completely true to the originals. However, that does lead onto one or two problems…

While the gameplay, graphics, and general writing of the game is still as excellent now as it was then, there are one or two elements which you may remember as irritating then that are still irritating now as they have remained unchanged. The camera, and its subsequent angles, hate you – absolutely despise you to the point they want you to see nothing. Even if you’re using the manual adjustments it’s a pain, as the default camera setting for third person view is what in today’s standards we call inverted – even though the first person doesn’t do this. This was especially jarring in the first Jak & Daxter where if you change that in the settings the third person camera angle goes back to non-inverted (in today’s money) but the first person camera also swaps so now that’s inverted, and there is no way to individually change them so I had to keep swapping back whenever I had to use the first person for a mini-game or something. Speaking of the mini-games, they’re still super fun, but I’d forgotten how frustrating they could be. While I was playing a friend in the background was busy reminiscing of how she never passed the fishing mini-game, as most of the mini-games are required to continue the story, and so gave up. I laughed, but it took me a solid half an hour just to do this one horrendous fishing mini-game. It was satisfying when I eventually completed them when they cropped up, but I have to say I’m glad the trend of having most of these ideas now as optional is definitely an improvement in gaming a whole.

Overall, I still believe this is one of the best HD trilogies you can currently buy. Not only has Jak & Daxter held up extremely well for its age, but it brings more platforming games to the Playstation 3; a goal which I fully support. There are a few minor flaws which deserve mention but do not in anyway earn it damnation. An HD trilogy re-release which will not only satisfy old school fans, but new comers too is something to celebrate. An amazing trilogy, with a long, rich, fun platforming experience, all for a low price and caters to everyone. Now go buy this to show we want a Jak 4!

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the very first instalment of my ‘Pipe Dreams’ series. The grand stage where all my gaming related desires, hope, and dreams are given the attention that I feel they deserve, as well as the opportunity for you to chime in with your own personal opinion on whether or not you agree with my animalistic lust for the product in question. As this is the beginning of Pipe Dreams I do wish to gush for a quick paragraph over why I concluded I had no choice but to write this series.

Gamers, in general, do have a slight reputation for being a rather demanding bunch. It’s not a bad thing, not by a long shot, because if we didn’t keep harping on about, pleading, and flat out threatening for Half Life: Episode 3 then it may not ever come to pass. We know what we want, however, tragically, some of these things just don’t always happen. We all want certain sequels which are extremely unlikely to ever get programmed, a certain piece of gaming merchandise to be made so we could throw our money at it, or just a basic desire for a certain type of game to be released into the market. I’m in an almost constant state of WANT over some many games, sequels, remakes, re-releases, merchandise, or just completely new IPs that I just can’t keep it in anymore. People will disagree with some, I’m sure, some may be totally on my side, and I’m certain that a vast majority of you will have your own dreams on what you’d like to exist someday.

So, without further ado, I would like to present you with my very first Pipe Dreams… CHEETAHMEN III!:

There may be a few blessed ones amongst you who already know what The Cheetahmen are, but for those less fortunate allow me to give you an extremely brief history lesson. Over two decades ago in 1991, on the Nintendo Entertainment System, a game was released called ‘Action 52‘ which came with a startling array of 52 games in one NES cartridge for the low, low price of $199. Unsurprisingly, due to the limits of technology and lazy programming almost every game was either terrible, unplayable, or just plain broken. One game, though, #52: Cheetahmen, a 2D side-scroller featuring three half man/half cheetah fighters defending a gamer known as ‘The Games Master’, was pushed as the ‘best’ of the selection as Action 52 came with a comic based around the Cheetahmen, with further plans outlined for action figures, more comics, and even a television series.

WE will fight for YOU!

This dream never came to pass, though. The developers even got as far as creating a Cheetahmen II game a year later, which was not completed due to bankruptcy, but it remained unknown until 1997 where 1,500 old Action 52 cartridges were discovered in an old warehouse with a plain ‘Cheetahmen II’ sticker slapped hastily on to the back.

I’ll be honest; they were not the most thrilling or most perfectly crafted games known to humankind. There was no health bar, there was a glitch which let you perpetually jump through the air for the whole level, there were two, in both games, level 3s, you couldn’t duck to avoid projectiles, and in Cheetahmen I there was a boss which was technically impossible because even if you killed it you were left there to wander side to side in limbo until you rebooted the game. But that’s not the point!

8-bit glory, right there.

The game briefly gained a cult following (and verged on ‘Meme’ territory) because of it’s shockingly addictive theme music. Which can be listened to here for the original, over here for my favourite epic orchestral remake of it, or just go search YouTube if you want to find a ton more. I don’t just want to see Cheetahmen III because of the unbelievably addictive theme music, though, I want it because they dared to dream big. They believed Cheetahmen would be placed alongside Battletoads and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This is the kind of Pipe Dream that never would have happened back in the mid/late-nineties, even less so in the early 2000s. Now, though, through the glory of XBLA, PSN, and Steam I say it’s time for the Cheetahmen to make a valiant return to our screens! Other 2D side-scrollers have found ways of branding themselves and surviving in this day an age, especially as downloadables, so I want to see Cheetahmen III!

I want to see a downloadable, new, Cheetahmen with the same addictive-as-hell music and perpetual jumping physics. I’m serious, I believe this would actually be a funny and enjoyable game to get released. No, I don’t think this would be the grand success of TMNT or anything stupid, but with some good writing, comedy, and programming which is meant to be both broken yet possible I think this is a niche that could be filled quite well in today’s marketplace. It may never make it to the level of action figures or television shows on Cartoon Network, but I’d absolutely drop £4.99 on a Cheetahmen game which advertised itself in a clever way. Possibly played on it’s former failings, added some subtle yet hilarious quips and references to it’s ambitions, and totally owned up to the idea that you will need all your old school wits about you to find a way of making it through the broken game. Broken, yet possible; that’s where I think the key to successful Cheetahmen III release lies! I hope you’re paying attention, whoever now owns the rights to the franchise, your time is NOW.

That’s it for this episode of Pipe Dreams.  My name’s Duncan Aird, and I approve this dream.

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Do you have a suggestion for future Pipe Dream posts? I want to hear it! I think it would be awesome, and make my job a lot easier, so please do leave it as a comment down below. However, if you would prefer to use that social networking addiction we all have constructively then you can also Tweet your thoughts to @ReadyUp with the hashtag #RUPipeDreams, or just put a post over on our Facebook Page. The options are endless! Except those three are pretty much all of the options… I look forward to each and every one of your opinions! Especially if your name is James.

To start things off, the genre alone is worthy enough of gaining your gaming attention. Obviously if you dislike both genres you may as well move on, but if you like either first-person shooters or tower defence games then you need to give Sanctum a go. Even more so if you’re a fan of both. I swear I say this straight-faced, honest and true, it works extremely well. It shouldn’t, it really, really shouldn’t work as well as it does. You hop around in first-person placing blocks and weapon towers in-between waves, which by the way only begin on your say so, and once you’ve activated the next wave you are free to grab yourself a futuristic weapon type of your choice (too many to list, but my favourites were the sniper-laser-rifle thing and the freeze gun!) and join in on the action with your towers and blow as many alien brains out as you can before you complete the wave. You can only build towers in-between waves, there is a top-down view available at the push of a button if you need a sky-high view of how you’re arranging your tower gauntlet, and at the end of each wave you get extra energy which you can use to build more tower, upgrade your current towers, or upgrade your personal weaponry which leaves the towers as back up.

That really is the short story of the game mechanics, but the developers, Coffee Stain Studios, creators of quite possibly the laziest yet most epic studio name ever, were very clever in making sure that in any one level you need to master both towers and shooting to make it through. Any tower defence player worth their salt knows that making the longest possible route to the final objective (in this game’s case a power core) is essential. However, sometimes you need more than that. Clear example: I was heavily reliant on towers for the first few encounters, I just enjoyed kicking back with my assault rifle and blasting away whenever I felt the need to look superior, but then out of nowhere FLYING ALIENS. What do you do? There’s no set path, I had to hastily throw up a couple of towers which slowed enemies and grab my laser-sniper-rifle and pick off as many as I could, praying that the core would hold out. The further I delved into the game the more and more I had to factor in pathways and teleporter placement because when the alien hordes began to get greater in both mass and number I had to frantically charge around the battlefield rifle-laser-sniping as much as I could just to survive even the first five waves of each level, with the average wave number per level ranging for 20-40!

The final note I’d like to throw out there is that Sanctum is an indie game. Yes, really. It has a full boxed release (which I recommend as it comes in a sexy slip-case, with a double-sided poster and original soundtrack which are well worth it) and a Steam collection banging around somewhere as well. This is, bar a single iPhone game, the studio’s only major release and it deserves even more sales. The fact it’s been able to amass SEVEN (caps lock required) add-on packs which just keep packing in more and more content, from enemies to levels to weapons, shows that they want to support this genre and so should you. It’s not that the idea has never been done before, it’s that it’s never been done this well before. There’s a basic enough plot (aliens invade futuristic civilisation and the main protagonist Skye must save all with her magic tower building glove) and you’ll even get some co-op action thrown in for up to four players. I spent many hours with Sanctum to have the privilege to write this review and I am definitely going to soak many more in afterwards. A superbly crafted game and I hope the developers get the recognition (and money) they deserve for making a game which I had this much fun with and still challenged my PC gaming abilities.

I feel it’s worth noting now, before I think too much about the DLC, that I was a fan of Dead Island. It wasn’t all it promised, but it did deliver a very stupid yet enjoyable four player co-op romp which I played through with a group of friends from start to finish over a few weeks, slowly levelling our survivor characters, and it was quite enjoyable. The graphics glitched every so often, hit detection was frequently off, the locations became drab and monotonous fast, and it quickly became repetitive and tedious towards the end. The Ryder White DLC decides that fun isn’t something which belongs in Dead Island anymore, so this DLC is single player only, with no levelling system, consists of only some of the same locations as the actual game, and even threw in a final kick to the balls by having no extra achievements added.

I’ll be frank here: the Ryder White DLC didn’t just make me sad, or bored, it made me genuinely angry. There is no reason for any of this DLC to exist. You walk from Point A to Point B (and sometimes back again) in a linear plotline which was totally unnecessary as we learned all but the tiniest details in the actual Dead Island campaign. I can forgive a dull story, but there’s no co-op. I can see they did it because the backstory of a singular character wouldn’t work with four people, but that’s my point; that’s why the DLC shouldn’t exist. The reason few played Dead Island solo was because the engine and combat system is not suited to taking on that many enemies at once alone. At one point, I was expected to fight off more than 15 simultaneously! It can’t be done. You could have 50 health packs, but in the time it takes to inject yourself with one the group of zombies, which take off 1/10th of your life bar per hit, will have you backed against a wall firing futilely until you die and reload your last checkpoint. Are the checkpoints reasonably spaced? Yes. Does it matter? No. Not a damn bit! When you respawn so do all the zombies; any weapons, ammo or health you used in the previous battle, though, is gone. That doesn’t even happen once, it’ll happen at several checkpoints, almost all of which have no notable weapons cache to keep yourself stocked from.

The most angering part though is the complete lack of effort that this DLC reeks of. All the faults that are in the original Dead Island are still present here, only with more thrown into the mix. All the locations are the same (only more limited: the city, the sewers, and the prison), the hit detection is still way off, the frustrating checkpoints, and the total lack of multiplayer just all leave a really bad taste in my mouth. Especially when it’s priced at a whopping 800 MSP for what equates to little more than three hours (minus checkpoint tom-foolery) of the same faults you had to put up with before, only without a group of friends to laugh it off with and keep hammering away with those canoe paddles you all carried since the very first zombie.

Luckily for me the folks over at Zen Studios have given me a few easy new things to talk about with this version also being in 3D and portable; pretty much the only two things the Nintendo 3DS has to brag about. I’d like to kick things off with the 3D as that usually tends to be the sore spot when it comes to 3DS games. Allow me to put all fears to rest when I say Zen Pinball should be played with 3D on at all times. Yes, really. Pinball is a game which requires depth and the 3D on the 3DS delivers it perfectly. You can see the multiple layers of the table clearly, which gives this version a huge leg up on its console counterparts, and it also makes the beautiful art and design that goes into every table stand out (if you’ll pardon the pun). It’s one of the rare gems of the 3DS’ library where I felt that the 3D element was a necessity the entire time that I played it.

That nicely covered and out of the way, let’s talk about what you’ll be getting for your £4.50 downloadable. There are four tables, with their own mini-games hidden if you are skilled enough to trigger them, each with their own themes which are: medieval, tribal, treasure hunter, and science fiction. Every table has its own unique multiplier bonuses, style, feel, and play style so there will certainly be at least one table which you will be unable to resist going back to time and time again. This is par for the course with Zen Studio titles as they always provide something for everybody with no substitution of quality of any of the options. My personal favourite was the sci-fi one because: 1) The table is called ‘Earth Defence’, 2) Having a giant robot over look any of my proceedings in a game makes me happy, and 3) Because I was able to get #1 on my local leaderboards on my first attempt – BOOYAH!

There is, of course, a highscore table for both local and online play which will cause joyous glee to show on your face as you leap into the air and proclaim victory while at the same time make the person sitting next to you on the bus want to murder you slowly with a rolling pin. Zen Studios know their audience; we’re a right bunch of score-whores if there ever was one, and they know that one way to make sure a downloadable title remains worthwhile is with extreme competition across a series of skilled levels. If you can nail that 80,000 bonus on the tribal table five times in a row you’ll be in good stead on those leaderboards. That tip is free on me.

Overall? Do I really need to say more. It’s cheap, it’s got insane replayability, it’s got an addictive highscore system, and you can carry it with you at all times and hope your eyeballs don’t pop-out from being unable to turn the 3D off the entire time you play it. If I were to criticise it in any way, it’d be the size of the screen. The 3DS does not have a screen size worth envying and so the default camera position can make it very difficult to pick out some of the finest details and shots on the table. My solution? Switch to Camera 5. Follows the ball the whole time and makes EVERYTHING a Hell of a lot easier. Done and dusted! Rack another winner up to Zen Studios. I’ll see you on the leaderboards (I’m ‘DNK’).

It’s a concept which is not foreign to the mobile marketplace – getting a liquid from the start to the end of each level – but it’s added a few unique twists which help it to raise its head above the ocean of its rival pick-up-and-play iPhone counterparts. You have more of an objective than just sloshing to the finish, you also have to touch every single inch of the walls to help planets grow, douse seeds to make flowers pop out, and if you’re a super completionist complete the levels in a certain time to gather all the stars. Plus, of course, as it is an iPhone game you must do all of this using all 360 degrees of the devices’ motion control technology.

Understand how rare an occurrence it is when I say that this works really well. Normally motion controls either feel half-assed and unnecessary or they destroy the whole flow of the game. Sploosh, on the other hand, is great fun to have with the motion control. You’re simply spinning the level round while the screen is facing you, and if you point the screen upwards the water physics switch, effectively, to anti-gravity mode where you can gain more control over its direction (if you’re skilled enough). Normally on this platform I have to dedicate a paragraph or so to why the controls DIDN’T work as well as I’d hoped. This time, however, they exceeded my expectations and I congratulate Spooky Moon for accomplishing that.

All of the above, blended with a beautiful and colourful setting, and a ukulele-style soundtrack, means I have no choice but to give Sploosh two thumbs up. It’s a well priced, thoroughly addictive, iPhone game which will certainly give you your money’s worth back in entertainment. Though there are only 12 levels being offered with it right now, more are going to be coming, trying to get all four stars on every stage will keep you coming back for far longer than you’d expect (I still can’t get all four on the 11th one!). Don’t buy this expecting it to change your world of mobile gaming; don’t even buy this because I’m telling you that you should; buy it because Sploosh will make you smile.

NO! Of course the answer is no, and luckily for us the guys over at Capcom agree with this unanimous cry, because they are now inviting ANYBODY to compete, head-to-head, in a three round campaign for greatness. Want to be involved? GOOD! It’s for charity as well, Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) to be exact. They aim to reduce suicide in men under 35, currently the biggest single cause of death for young men in the UK, so now you don’t have ANY excuse not to take part in this thing. So headphones off, hands on desk, pick your side, and listen up; here’s the breakdown of this campaign:

Round #1 – MUSIC! Addictive TV, you may have heard of them, are launching this campaign this month! So you’ve got no time to waste. Think you can produce the most epic, awesome tune ever heard by mankind? Yes? I don’t believe you! Prove it. Do it. Enter it. Then maybe we’ll talk. Until then keep your eyes and ear peeled on the website and get your music fingers limbering because you’re going to need to bring your A game to the table.

Round #2 – DANCING! Wait… What? Dancing, are you kidding me? NOPE. This isn’t just any old dancing; Fight Club regulars One Motion will be taking care of this puppy by breakdancing. Not just any break dancing, though, they’ll be showing off their best Street Fighter & Tekken moves incorporated into the dancing. Know you can do better? Get going then! Come up with the best moves, get labelled as the best. Simple as that.

Round #3 – ART! Oh, do we need to draw something for this one? NOPE. Easier than that. 30 exclusive character prints signed by the legendary producers Ono-san (Street Fighter) and Harada-san (Tekken) will be put up for charity auction in late January. If you want a piece of some of that action, just start saving and stay tuned. It’s basic, sure, but with only 30 prints the competition will be FIERCE! Plus, it’s for charity, and you know you want one. Hell, I want one, so you don’t even have to feel guilty about wanting it so bad you will fight, and bid, just to make sure somebody else who isn’t you doesn’t get it.

Kazuya Mishima is deathly allergic to Powerade, you know.

There’s a chance that, if you’re some sort of crazy person, none of this will interest you. Well, you may have heard of this thing called Fight Club (the one you can actually talk about). Well Ready Up will be hitting it hard this week on 14th January 2012 in Edinburgh at the The Caves, Niddry Street South.

Street Fight X Tekken will be on show (duh…) as well as Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3, plus Street Fighter III: Third Strike and Super Street Fighter IV Arcade Edition. Capcom will also be giving away a Viewlix Arcade Cabinet converted to run PS3 games, some exclusive titles for your PS3/Xbox Street Fighter profiles, and some sweet art prints as well! I also hear that there will be free food and drink to boot.

If you want some of that action, then all you have to do is write why you really want to go on to a postcard and then… throw it in the bin because entry is FREE! Just be sure to not slack. The London event was insane and this event will likely be just as packed. Over 18’s only so we can all get drunk together, and if you see a Ready Up shirt then do step up and see if you can beat the-best-of-the-best at Marvel Vs. Capcom.

So gear up, get ready, and pick a corner. LET’S GET IT ON!

First off: THERE’S NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER! What the Hell, doublesix? Don’t get me wrong, I love that you included local multiplayer, there are not enough arcade games making that level of sofa-action-based, but don’t take away the online component as a ritual sacrifice! I can only hope, and pray, that there was a very good reason written somewhere on a Post-It in your office that explains this lack of Internet playability on a downloadable only title. Sadly, as I cannot read that note from all the way over here, I’m afraid I’ve got to dock a point or two off.

That ball of bile firmly excreted from my brain, the rest of All Zombies Must Die is actually pretty nicely put together. As previously mentioned, it’s not the most original idea to ever hit the Interwebs but it has made some very smart design choices to help make up for that fact. They seem to have taken to the Dead Rising 2 style of zombie killing by making weapon creations a joy to behold and use. Flaming katanas, electrified cricket bats, and megaphones are but a taste of some of the extremely satisfying ways of wiping out the undead hordes. I give some extra kudos to the weapon and level design though because matched with the cartoon-like graphics they do begin to feel even more arcade-y than perhaps they would otherwise have felt. Yes, arcade-y is now an acceptable descriptive word.

We’ve now firmly established that the weapons are brilliant, the graphics are fitting, that the characters are good if not a tad random, and that the lack of online multiplayer has left me wanting. Excellent! Now for my two remaining pet-peeves: respawning zombies, and back-tracking. These two must be grouped together because when your quests involve backtracking through areas with constantly respawning enemies it does tend to start getting on your nerves the third or fourth time you must crawl back to your base. Your base, I should note, can vary depending on where you want it and zombies will not continue to respawn in that particular area. It’s the curse of non-linear gameplay because I’m certain I’d be calling the game dull had I simply been trouncing back through empty areas to pick up whatever maguffin is required to complete the quest I was on. I think the key element is that it’s impossible to clear out an area that is not designated your base, which makes finding various levelling items and new weapons quite a tedious chore because I just want to look in that final bin. It’s right there. I can see it just let me look! GET BACK YOU BLASTED ZOMBIES!

Actually… Come to think of it, it was a rather fitting way of coding the game. Zombies, by nature, are supposed to be infinite and irritating and leave you struggling to survive. Plus, with the visual aesthetics and giggle worthy weapons it’s quite a good laugh having to hop back to your base with one leg and a minute sliver of lifebar. Especially because I was fortunate enough to have a party of four people arguing over sofa space to play this with over the holidays. Credit to you, doublesix. I actually had a thoroughly FUN time with your game. However, I will end this rather positive review with just one, mini, small question: Y U NO HAVE ONLINE MULTIPLAYER AS WELL?!

Tens of thousands took to the streets all across the world, while I slumbered peacefully inside my blanketed vault. Protected, safe, and ignorant of what was happening on the outside. The world outside was changing while I lay dormant, walled-up, sheltered from the magnitude of a release so huge I could not have ever fathomed what would come-forth from it. For on November 11th I would awaken into a new world, into an entirely new life, one which no human should ever be forced to traverse. A world where I was the soul survivor of the most devastating catastrophe to plague mankind. A life which I had not chosen but one which had been thrust upon me through a merging of fate, luck, and lack of disposable income. A life outside of Skyrim.

I slept in. Slept in very late in fact. By the time I’d emerged, and prepared myself for the day, it was almost 4pm. That was a full 16 hours after release. I had no solid plans for the day, I’d known well in advance that a majority of my friends would have already purchased their copy, so I had decided to head into Central London for some Red Bull. I didn’t have to make it far out out the door before saw the horror before me. While I had slept the city I once loved had all but burned to the ground. London lay in ruins as the people had long abandoned the streets, shopping centres, public transportation, and all public services. I scoured the city for others. There was nobody else, not even a trace, they had completely vanished. There were no bodies, no remains, not so much as a God damned hair left of a single human. I saw a dog, he even walked up to me and looked up hopelessly before I kept trudging in search of life. I named him Buck. Buck was the only sign of life I had encountered. Even more disconcerting, there was not a copy of Skyrim to be found. I had looted every Xbox, Playstation and PC I came across but all were empty. There was nothing but rubble, fire, and unanswered questions.

I found notes, letters, papers which had been hastily scribbled on after Skyrim had been released among the public. Most were gibberish: endless rants about taking an arrow to the knee with the word ‘FUS’ scrawled all over the pages. Ramblings of man men and women desperate and scared, yet pumped to the very brink of destruction with euphoria. Among the shattered pieces of the world however I found hope; one chance to rebuild;  single document claiming to know the path to enlightenment and truth. It was written by a person who went by the name of ‘A. Erring’, they spoke of a location, far from the centre of the ruined city of yore, in the countryside. Two trees in a field, each one taller than the other, where the right path is wrong. I made haste and left the crippled city of my birth, and searched for answers outside of the city limits. I had to find Skyrim.

I read the scraps of A. Erring’s words as I hiked towards the final step of my journey: the field. I attempted to use the scripture to piece together the timeline of events I missed over those 16 final hours. It had spread so fast, once the midnight launch showed the world just how awe-inspiring Skyrim was, it took less than six hours for the major cities of the country to implode. According to what I could decipher France had held out the longest, Paris had been the final city to fall. The people simply couldn’t resist, the game absorbed them to such a degree that they simply failed to exist in this world anymore. They became part of Skyrim. Twitter near exploded from the talk of Skyrim. Celebrities had even jumped on board and were busy talking about it on live interviews and television. The world was drained of all life as the human race abandoned every basic instinct in favour of the game. They stopped eating, drinking, working, and eventually moving. Skyrim wanted more, though. The life-force an average human burns should have given them a few days. Instead, while playing Skyrim, the game sped up the process. Some took to the streets to stop people buying the game, but upon realising there were no police – they soon gave in and looted. The urges were too great, and the original saviours would start looting a copies for themselves. Then there was nobody. I don’t know if A. Erring was the last to give in, or just the last to have kept documenting the phenomenon, but their writing promised the tree would hold a book. Inside the book there would be answers. Answers which would help to overcome what the others could not. A way to save Skyrim.

I arrived at the field. I walked, among a forest of trees, possibly for hours, pondering the riddle. No two trees seemed any more important than the rest. Then I smiled. Two trees stood, one on either side of the only path. One to the left, one to the right. I slowly stepped over the the left tree, I could smell syntax trickery a mile away, and glanced down to the ground at its foot. A small glimmer, a silver glint amongst the tangled brush and brambles, a book lay. A book which held the key to salvation.

I lay on that field for days on end. I read every single page of information on offer. Every race, every weapon, every area map between its covers. I wanted it more than ever. An unholy dragon blood lust coursed through my entire being. I wanted Skyrim, nay, I NEEDED Skyrim. On the final page, once I had all the knowledges of the lands my brain could hold, it showed me the ultimate goal. It showed me the power and I wanted it. An axe, an axe which lay under the tree to the right, which I would soon call Róta, after the Norse Valkyrie. An axe that could only be wielded by one who were truly worthy. The one who survived the plague inside a vault of solitude and still braved to venture out The one who had the heart and soul passionate enough to fight the plague among the long destroyed lands. Next to that axe, lay a copy of Skyrim.

I was ready. The world around me may have fallen into disarray from this game, but I would not, I would not falter. I would stand and I would fight. I raised my axe to the Heavens above and I screamed a war cry sound so loud the Gods themselves trembled in fear. The trees shook as the mighty roar escaped my lungs and I lowered Róta. I smirked, I had never felt such power before. My voice felt as if I could command the Universe. My mind had access to all knowledge of the world of Skyrim, but now I held the power to go there and fight and become the greatest adventurer of all time – arrows be damned!

With the copy of Skyrim gripped tightly in one hand and Róta in the other I ran. I ran as fast as my boots could manage, like a bat out of Hell towards the city limits. I sprinted back into urban civilisation and searched out the nearest television with a console attached to it. It was an army station, it looked temporary, appeared to be nothing more than a fancy tent covered in camouflage, it was likely a hub for the crowd control riot-squads before they too were overrun with desire to play the game themselves. I ripped off the wrapping and reached down for the disc when I paused… A. Erring. The name, that name which had guided me to this point suddenly felt too familiar. It was a man, I didn’t know how I knew but I did, it was a Mr. A. Erring… Arngeir. Like a flash flood the information came rushing into my head. A. Erring was an anagram of Arngeir, the elder who serves as instructor and mentor in The Way of the Voice, and the axe is one of the most common weapons you receive at the beginning of your journey. I was not the sole survivor – I was Skyrim’s final victim!

I dropped the game case a disc to the floor and slowly backed away from the television. I turned and rushed through what I thought was the tent’s exit, instead I had frantically stumbled into the arsenal section. M4 carbines, M16s, pump-action shotguns, revolvers, MP5s and more all lay in front of me in a beautiful formation of destruction. With my mind still going a thousand miles and hour as I recovered from the shock of my own realisation I saw it. The G36C, the ultimate killing machine, as Call of Duty had taught me, placed on the table before me. I stepped towards it and lovingly lowered Róta down next to it, and gripped it by the Grip. It was only then that I knew what I had to do.

With the G36C still loosely carried in my hand I walked out of the tent. I could feel the pull, the invisible force pulling me back towards the tent, trying to drag me back to the table where I had left Róta and the book. I didn’t need them anymore, those were not the weapons I would need to win this fight. I walked at a new pace, solemn and determined, as I entered back to where this all had begun. The burning, crumbled section of London where I had first encountered this awful disaster. I removed my right glove and raised my hand to my mouth, letting out a screeching whistle which echoed throughout the concrete piles. I stared blankly toward the smoke, waiting, hoping. A minute passed, and just as I stood up to turn away I heard the patter of paws. I turned back and there he was. Buck was back, wagging his tail and smiling up at me. No longer did he have a look of sadness or worry in his eyes, but a sparkle and vigour which had not been there before. I smiled back at him, almost as if he could feel what I was feeling, and patted him on the head before turning back towards the centre of London.

“I’m sorry, Buck. I’m sorry that the best you’ve got is this barely functional fighter with a rusted old gun. You deserve better. This world deserves better. There may be others though, like me, out there somewhere. We’re going to go and see if we can find them. I can’t leave this world, not now, not yet. I must save this world before I save Skyrim.”

I lifted the G36C and swung it over my shoulder and tied it around. I took a deep breath and lowered my hood, feeling the breeze filled with dust and a rotting stench run through my hair, and slowly stepped towards the centre. I didn’t know what was out there, or if anyone was still alive, like me, but I had to be sure. I may not have chosen a life outside of Skyrim, but I was damn sure going to explore the Fallout that Skyrim had left behind.

So many games. So little time...

Having done several laps of the show-floor with my partner in crime and shoved a sumptuous free hotdog into my face (so sumptuous in fact that I had to accept very early on that there was no way I was going to be able to eat it with any element of dignity intact), I set off of the epic journey of PS Vita gaming! First though, briefly, before we talk about the games, I’d like to give a quick overview of the console itself. Sorry, I promise, it needs to be done. If you’re already a 5UP3R 1337 GaM3R and know everything about the PS Vita ever, or simply don’t care one bit about hearing me harp on about the console itself and just want to know about the games then skip on down three paragraphs. Otherwise, get comfortable and let’s have a quick talk about this little black beauty on its own.

As we are all aware of by now, the PS Vita is claiming to be the most powerful handheld ever, and has impressive specs in the hardware to back it up. Not to mention it also has a monumental list of extra features which include dual games card slots, two cameras (forward facing and backward facing), a touch screen, a touch-pad on the back, dual analogue sticks and 3G – all within a super thin and light console. That, I think we can all agree, is a ridiculous set of assets for a handheld gaming console to be coming with on launch. Though with a hefty price tag of £220+ expected it needs to be bringing a lot to the table to replace all that food you won’t be eating come February!

The key issue with these new features, though, and one that many gamers have already expressed concern about, is will they enhance the experience of the games and truly make this the most powerful handheld, or will they simply encourage them to be used as cheap gimmicks and unnecessary gameplay elements. I’m pleased to say, as an overall view, that it is most definitely the former rather than the latter. However, to really get to the bottom of it, I believe a breakdown of each game individually is now in order.

My partner in crime for the night. She's too cool for headphones.

During my time at the event I was able to get decent hands-on time with TWELVE whole PS Vita games, and obviously not all were finalised. Some were just demos, and some were event demos that were in Japanese for most of the time. Therefore, I will not be conducting full reviews as that would be GROSSLY unfair and near impossible. What I’m going to go ahead and do instead is dedicate around 250 words to my general impression of each one I tried out. That way you can pick and choose which ones you spend your time reading about. I’ll even have an extra special “Top three PS Vita Titles of Awesomeness” award going to, shockingly, my Top three favourites of the night. This will make this all a much more manageable… 3,000 words?! Damn you, maths. Well, if you’re really excited about the PS Vita (and you should be) and want to know about every single game I played, I hope you can put up with my caffeine fuelled ramblings on them for the next 3,000 words.

Uncharted: Golden Abyss – Let’s start off big. Uncharted is probably one of the most anticipated titles for the Vita, and the visuals alone have left many mouths agape. Mine included. I am pleased to report that the graphics are just as mind-blowing for a handheld as they have been advertised (this is likely to be praise which I shall bestow on many of the PS Vita games being mentioned in this feature). Nathan Drake looks beautiful in your hands (giggity) and it really is a joy to behold such a rich, in-depth game and have the looks to back it up on a handheld device. One particular chapter contained a lot of fire effects and it blew me away. I cannot possibly emphasise just how unbelievable this game looked. What’s better, is that the control also felt extremely fluent with the high end graphics. The gameplay didn’t feel at all limited and in fact the hand-to-hand combat and various clambering Nathan is known for felt just as high-end as any of his PlayStation 3 counterparts. The only new feature of the Vita which was used (at least on the section available) was the touch screen, which was used for solving certain puzzles and exploration of the environment. The key example was having to slash on the screen to get Nathan to cut something with his machete. It didn’t feel forced, and with most of the run, gun, and climb action not using it it’s a welcome extra to a game that already stands tall as one of the Vita’s premium launch titles.

Little Big Planet – Yet another big name right out of the gate, and another launch title, but also the first game to be awarded the coveted “Top 3 PS Vita Titles of Awesomeness” award. This shocked even me because I was expecting just another Little Big Planet game, only on a handheld device, which I could say was bright and colourful and has a cute main mascot and then move on from there. It has all those things, fret not, but this was the game which convinced me that all of the PS Vita’s new features could be used to create some brilliant new gaming experiences on the go. The motion controls were used to move various environmental elements to solve puzzles, the touch screen was used to drag moveable scenery, and the camera could be used to take photos of whatever you want and then import them into the game as textures or scenery or ANYTHING in your own custom levels. My favourite moment being a puzzle where you used the touch screen to push a block to the back, and the touch-pad on the back to push the blocks forward to create a stairway for Sackboy to climb up. Also, ALL of the tools and items from Little Big Planet 1 and 2 on the PS3 are in this game. In your hand. Whenever you want. Thumbs up to Media Molecule for showing not only what the PS Vita can do when pushed but with a launch title no less!

Touch My Katamari – If you’ve never played a Katamari game before I highly recommend that you do so. Nowhere else will you ever be able to find such a bizarre blend of ridiculously simple yet addictive gameplay and straight out ridiculous dialogue. This is one of the more basic games but it fits the handheld market so damn well that I must heap praise on it. You use the dual analogue sticks to control your ball which sticks to things and as it gets bigger and bigger you can stick to bigger and bigger things until the level ends. DONE! You can use the touch-pad and touch screen to morph the shape of the ball, by making it thin and tall or wide and flat. It’s just a basic, highly addictive, flat out crazy game. I love Katamari games, and by glancing at just one of the Tweeted dialogue photos from the night will show you that the gameplay only brings about around half the laughs. This would have been in my Top three, but I’m uncertain if it’s whacky charm is infectious to everyone or if I am one of the rare breed who now have it under their skin and have formed some kind of strange addiction to it.

Here's a picture of an awesome sofa from the event to help break up all that text!

WipEout 2048 – Ignoring the eternally irritating capitalisation on the title, this is is definitely one of my “Top three PS Vita Titles of Awesomeness” award winners. The graphics are stunning, but even more hard-hitting is the frame-rate and smoothness which comes along with this game. If you’ve played WipEout before you know how hectic and fast-paced it can be, and the PS Vita handles it all beautifully without downgrading any of it to compensate for its handheld limitations. This is a tremendous, uncompromising, high-octane WipEout game which you can play ANYWHERE. There are other racers coming out for the PS Vita on launch but, in my opinion, this one right here is the clear champion. You use the shoulder buttons for air braking, the analogue sticks for basic handling and the camera angle respectively, and, if you’re really feeling fancy, you can use the motion controls and the back touch-pad. Motion control-wise? It’s fantastically responsive, if that’s your kind of thing, but to me the back touch-pad was the King when it came to the PS Vita’s extra features being utilised here. Why? Because you can set it to use your power-ups. Meaning you never have to move any of your fingers off any of the required buttons at any point. PERFECT!

Little Deviants – From what I understand (and don’t quote me on this) this is one of the PS Vita’s downloadable titles. I could be wrong, but it was labelled as an ‘arcade’ game which I’m going to go ahead and take as meaning ‘downloadable’. This gives it a little bit of leeway for not being quite as spectacular as some of the other titles on show. It was still good, but it really was just good. Not great. It’s a selection of mini-games which are clearly designed around the PS Vita newly added features. Some people will definitely be into this, but to me it just felt so forced. Standard methods like using the motion control to direct a character through hoops or tapping on the touch screen at the right time. The only one I honestly enjoyed was a game where you directed a balled up character around by using the touch-pad on the back to lift the ground and direct the ball’s rolling direction. If this ends up being a cheap downloadable I’d say it’s worthwhile just for the ‘iPhone’ disposable level of portable gaming, but I have a feeling this will be taking a good £19.99 out of your wallet and it just felt like a rather long demo reel. At least with the other games the new features being used felt organically implemented. Here they did not.

ModNation Racers: Roadtrip – Another racing game? Alright! This I’m okay with. ModNation Racers have become quite a fan favourite among PlayStation players and the PS Vita version seems to bring everything that made the series as popular as it is to the handheld. Lots of customisable options (unsurprisingly), entertaining cartoon-y graphics, and, let’s be honest here, a rather party-racer feel throughout. The game is amazing fun on its own, but the true greatness lies within the Ad-Hoc gameplay. The PS Vita, like any good handheld should, has an Ad-Hoc network options for many of its games which picks up nearby PS Vitas for some some multiplayer mayhem. ModNation Racers has this option and that alone is what will make this game worth the money in my books. Great graphics, entertaining gameplay and ridiculous Ad-Hoc multiplayer action? That’s how you make a party racer. Sold.

Hey, look! It's another photo from the event to break up the huge chunks of text...

Super Monkey Ball: Banana Splitz – Really?! Ergh. Okay, come on, Duncan, be impartial… It’s another Super Monkey Ball game! No. It doesn’t do anything differently. You’re a monkey. In a ball. Collecting bananas. Some of which may or may not have ‘Split’ at some point. You can use the motion controls if you want to lose every level faster, or you can use the dual analogue sticks and get bored before you fail. I’m sorry. I’m done with this game appearing on every electronic device to the point my microwave screen could probably handle it and I’d still find it tedious in the time it took to make a Tesco Value Mini Pizza in the thing. Buy it, don’t buy it, do whatever you want to. If you like the series and must own it on another platform, or just can’t go another second without more banana collecting non-stop thrilling action, this is for you. I can’t bear to talk about this right now when there are so many better games available for me to talk about…

Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 – … Like this one! People who know me know that I am not a massive fighting game fan. Mostly because when I play them I suck harder than Jenna Jameson earning a pay cheque. Marvel Vs. Capcom, though, is a different case because I confess to be rather a comic book geek and Marvel contains a vast majority of my favourite characters (Ironman AND Deadpool?! Sold.). The big issues for fighting game aficionados is the ease of controls and the smoothness of the multiplayer; as I understand it anyway. First off, the controls are fantastic for a handheld fighting game. You can use either the classic PlayStation D-pad or the analogue sticks for the moves, and because the Vita holds so easily in the hands, pulling off combo moves was easy enough that even I was able to master some! (one…) I’m afraid I can’t vouch for the 3G multiplayer, but there was an Ad-Hoc option that was breath-takingly quick. Being able to hold up two PS Vitas together you could see that they were in perfect sync. Plus, as it’s the Ultimate edition, you know it has to be good. It has ULTIMATE in the title.

Resistance: Burning Skies – A first person shooter?! On a handheld device he’s already praised so highly he’d only add more if it were to come with a lifetime supply of bacon?! This must be his final Top three selection. Right? WRONG! Resistance: Burning Skies is an awesome example of how first person shooters can work on handheld devices, but it’s not perfect. With the dual analogue sticks you do finally get the control scheme which all FPS fans have been craving on a handheld device, but it feels too confined. The controls are great, but the gameplay reminds me too much of ‘Coded Arms’ on the original PSP. Even on the hardest difficulty setting I breezed through the demo because it seems that the developers had a crippling fear that gamers would need an easier curve to compensate for the controls. They don’t. The controls and graphics were spot-on. If this were a Call of Duty game Bobby Kotick would already be high-fiving his accountants over it right now. However, if they do a little bit of updating and ramp up the challenge a bit more for release this will definitely be the game which turns the sceptics of FPS on the go. On a side note because this game impression deserves to end on a high note, the music in the game was absolutely phenomenal.

Hey isn't that DJ a bit blurry for a usable phot... SHUT UP AND KEEP MOVING!

Frobisher Says – This one is an interesting one, because this is a game I admit I really didn’t like but could see that it was quite a terrific game. It is the Star Wars of PS Vita games for me. I know that this is probably very good to many people, but I am not one of those people. This is, basically, a non-copyright infringing version of Simon Says for the PlayStation Vita. You do various things which include pointing the camera at certain colours, saying certain phrases into the microphone, tracing pictures on the touch screen and using augmented reality to catch various creatures around your house using the camera. All within a set time limit of course. It’s a good game and one I can see being really fun for either kids, or a University party full of drunken gamers, but sadly I wasn’t in one of those situations. I was just pointing the PS Vita around like I was trying to ballroom dance with it as everyone who hadn’t tried it yet wondered what kind of drug I was on and where they could get some at that time of night. I would also like to share the anecdote which came from when my partner in crime had a go on it and was asked to say her name, which she did. Then she was asked to say it ‘In Canadian’. There are no words.

Virtua Tennis 4 – Hopefully I won’t be the only gamer out there who cares about this, otherwise I’m about to waste 250 off words of energy harping on about how much I loved Virtua Tennis 4. I’m a big tennis nut and tennis games have always been really good to me, in that there is always a great tennis game on the market for each particular generation of consoles. But there’s never been one for the handheld market. Virtua Tennis 4 is that handheld tennis game I’ve been waiting for. It doesn’t boil anything down. The movement, the feel, the controls, the graphics, the physics and the modes are all there. It was amazing to behold that the lighting effects and the players movements are all just as realistic and fluent as the big brother console games. This is the kind of game that makes me believe, truly believe, that all this smoke that Sony has been blowing about the PS Vita being the best and most powerful handheld of all time may be more than just an advertising campaign. I loved this game. I will buy this game. BUT… I can’t put it in my Top three. Not because I fear I may be one of the few tennis game lovers out there, but because that title has to go to…

Gravity Rush/Daze – GRAVITY RUSH! (Or Gravity Daze if you’re in the NTSC region) That’s right, we now have our final piece of the Holy Trinity that is the “Top 3 PS Vita Titles of Awesomeness”. This one caught me off guard because I had never heard anything about it prior to my partner in crime running over to me and telling me I had to get off WipEout and come and play this game. It’s a third person action/adventure game, as far as I can tell because all the subtitles were in Japanese, where you play a girl who can control the laws of gravity. You press the L1 button to remove all gravity and float, then redirect which direction you want gravity to be and press it again. You can also set it so you can have some sweet mid-air battles with the enemies by pressing L1 and then selecting your flying kick/punch, etc. It was nothing more than a gameplay mechanic but it gave the whole game a fantastic feel. The graphics had a very grungy, animé/comic book vibe to them which made the gelatinous inky blobs which were your main foes quite daunting. I had to put this in my Top three because not only did I adore every second of the game I played, but I haven’t seen or heard enough about it anywhere else and it deserves the attention of gamers. There’s also a cat, for reasons unknown. Did I mention there’s a CAT?! The partner in crime also agreed with this decision and spent a good chunk of the train journey home talking about the game at length and she’s more knowledgeable than me on the subject because she could read the Japanese. So check it out! I’ll even link you to a trailer for this one. I liked it that much!

Just wanted to give a final shout-out to my Partner in Crime. My faceless Partner in Crime.

There we have it! Phew. That was an epic journey across many different genres and games. Thank you very much if you have been able to stick it out with me all the way to the end! I hope I have imparted enough knowledge onto you, fellow gamer, that you now know enough to go out there and tell all your significant other(s) that what you want for Valentine’s Day is a PS Vita! Because we’re sure as Hell not going to be getting this stunning piece of kit in the UK any time near Christmas.

No, this does not mean I want you to scream like a spoilt baby at me down a microphone with a voice which sounds like Gilbert Godfrey on helium informing me of how many people have had sexual intercourse with my mother (apologies in advance for when she reads this, because she will, but I’m afraid it does happen, Ma). It means I want more people to stop being such passive players. Yes, I know, you think you’re being ’sneaky’ or ’smart’ when you use Assassin, or you think that by equipping Blast Shield that it increases your worth as a man because you can take explosions as if grenades were made of marshmallows and rainbows. The truth of the matter, though, is that you’re not any more skilled for having these perks, you’re just admitting that you are a weaker player without them.

Caption undetectable by screen.

It’s such a passive approach to playing. If I choose to do nothing, say I refuse to use my earned UAVs/Sentry Guns or grenades/explosives, your perks mean NOTHING. They’re as useful to you as a condom to a Runescape player (ZING!). This is why I despise the playing style so harshly. It doesn’t reward you for being better, it merely helps to push this frustrating façade that I didn’t actually earn those three kills in a row for my killstreak or nail you perfectly in your cowardly fat face with my frag grenade. It’s a get out of jail free card for the players who believe before the game begins that the enemy is going to be better than them so they’d better counteract their success in advance.

Sniper rifles, shotguns, spawn killing, camping, random grenades, kill boosting, noob tubing, and the rest all make me want to rip my skin off in anger as well, but at least they’re methods which are used under the intention of trying to defeat other players by having an aggressive advantage. There’s a reason that there is a game mode available which completely eliminates Ghost as a perk option on Black Ops.

I want to encourage all of you Assassin-using, ballistic knife spinning cowardly players to step forward, put down that bush you’re wearing as a suit and, in the words of an immortal:

Xbox Live Gamertag: Nerd Fighter

There’s my Gamertag. Open to whole world and I will add anybody until my friend’s list fills. So put away your damn passive perks, take a deep breath to calm your nerves, and just bring it, bitch!

While that may be considered a tad harsh, the previous game before wasn’t exactly terrible, but it was, at best, a time-filler in hope that one day a developer would step up to the plate and make a deserving rugby game for the fans. So, rugby fans, I’d like you to meet Sidhe. A New Zealand (YES!) based developer who has finally created a rugby game which I can say, hand on heart, is a really superb example of the genre.

For me, the issues with previous rugby games has always been the lack of feel to the gameplay. I never felt as if I was really in control of the players or the game as much as I was vaguely guiding them in the direction I wanted and hoping that the dice landed on my number. JLRC though has really shown that by tightening up the controls that the gameplay quality is dramatically increased. Passing has finally been perfected, with short and long passes to selected players down the line being an absolute breeze, and line outs and scrubs now boil down to timing a certain action on the controller at the right time, but also the timing required is based around the stats of the grouping of players involved which is a brilliant balance and keeps the flow going during the slower elements of the game.

Loose balls are also now finally something other than sheer luck of whether or not your player had decided to take a sit down on that particular part of the field or not. As you can individually control the players throughout the game, you can either play ahead or manually grab your nearest man and make a break for the ball. Seems unimpressive when explained so blandly, but being able to have that control and then go on to grab it, kick it, or do a quick pass or chip is just another building block of what helps make JLRC the best rugby game available out there right now. Plus, when taking kicks, be they penalties, kicking for touch or drop goals, the motion and controls feel fluent and always very sharp, especially with the addition of bullet-time mode while making the kick. Assuming of course that you have enough space on the pitch around you for the game to justify it, otherwise you’re just going to have to be lightning quick! Simply put: The controls make this game.

On top of all this, though, you still have a ‘Rugby Dollar’ system to keep you occupied which can be used on some of the (limited) customisation options within the game, and gives you a little more encouragement to try and max out every training and match mode possible. It can feel a tad unnecessary as the game goes on, but it’s great to start getting you into the feel of the game.

There are still a few gripes which need to be aired out, though. As Rugby World Cup 2011 owns the licences to all of the Six Nations teams, it means that you need to be a big International fan to want to jump on board with The Wallabies and The All Blacks who are licensed for this game. In an ideal world, we would have them all in one. There are also some graphical glitches, and the graphics are not the most gorgeous ones on Earth as it stands, and at times the games loading times can feel rather slack. They are small, minor issues which add up to a point or so being docked, but Jonah Lomu Rugby Challenge is a very, VERY strong 8. It’s the game all rugby fans have been waiting for! If only it hadn’t taken so long to arrive.