Please don’t read this unless you’ve finished Final Fantasy XV. Or if you’ve read the plot on Wikipedia. Or if you have a real asshole as a friend who spoiled it for you. In that case, read this and make new friends. Because, in Final Fantasy VII style, I am about to release my inner Barret!

Thank you and #&$% you Square Enix. Thank you for making an amazing game that made me care about characters more than I have in a JRPG in about twenty years (when did FFVII come out again? 97?). Thank you for the non-turn based combat that had become far too complicated, slow, boring and almost unusable by FFXIII. Thank you for some really great character designs and small details that built up a real and compelling world. Carry on patting yourselves on the back just in case you choke on what’s coming next.

#&$% you for blinding Ignis. I mean really, #&$% you. #&$% you even more for keeping him blind and making him walk into enemies into the field of battle, with Prompto next to him to make sure he’s alright – he’s just there, swiping around with a little knife! Arrgh! #&$%ers!! #&$% you for destroying the world I came to love by making Noctis fall asleep, FOR A #&$%ING DECADE, for no good reason. #&$% you Gladdy, Prompts and Iggy for falling out when Noct wasn’t there. #&$% you for killing Lunafreya, you Aeris repeating #&$%s. #&$% you for killing them all in the end – maybe. That bit right at the end… YOU KNOW WHICH BIT! The campfire bit, yes, you messed with my mind. And, OK, so there’s a dream where Lunafreya and Noctis are together before the utter desolation we’re left with (almost a ‘Final Fantasy,’ I can see what you did there – smarmy #&$%s).

I guess I should be thankful that XV didn’t pursue its life as Final Fantasy Versus XIII. Then I would never have played the damn game anyway. Had it been set in the same universe as my most hated Final Fantasy – Final Fantasy XII, (in case you didn’t know). My god, in my opinion, that game was a pile of #&$%ery.

#&$% you for not having a cheesy time-travel ending where there get rid of the immortal, and his influence is removed, taking us back to the past where there’s a logical reason to go on and do all the #&$%ing side quests again. It’s easier to concentrate on landing a really big fish when you know it’s not all going to end up with every character you have come to love getting #&$%ed over by the big #&$%pole of #&$%. Most of all, #&$% you for making me care so much for your amazing game. You big old fist of #&$%-knuckles.

Deep breath. I mean, I wouldn’t be so angry if I didn’t care so much. This might be my favourite Final Fantasy ever. Most of my pets have been called Cloud, I have a Red XIII tattoo on my ankle, and a ChocoMog summon on my calf. Here come the words I never would believe would be typed by me: fifteen might be better than seven (imagining shocked gasp from the audience right now).

“HAS FRAN GONE MAD!” I hear your scream from the hills!

I expect you to disagree, but I haven’t been hit as hard emotionally by a game since, well Aeris in FFVII. I want a better world for Noctis and his posse. OK, they’re in heaven, but what was the point in Tits McGee – sorry, Cindy – if she didn’t end up with Prompto? In my version Noctis gets Iris and Ignis and Gladiolus get to act out my Yaoi fantasies (I mean, you can’t talk like Batman and Alfred the Butler for 80+ hours of my life and not have homoerotic thoughts pop into my head one or seven times).

I am going to be as torn when Gladdy’s DLC comes out, it’s about the same time as Mass Effect Andromeda also drops. Mass Effect is one of my favourite game series of all time, but I know that as cool as Ryder might seem (and sound, follow @frydawolff on Twitter, she’s awesome) I might have to put off or stop playing it to play the FFXV DLC. I bought a season pass for the game – I haven’t done that since, well, Mass Effect (did they even do a season pass – I bought all the DLC for it as soon as it came out anyway – maybe I just wished they did a season pass).

Talking of Mass Effect DLC, I hope that Square Enix do get their shit together and do some kind of Citadel ending. I mean, yes, you could say that the ending did justify the story, but what #&$%ing story did FFXV have. It had amazing world building, remarkable characters and a plot that seemed to be based around video game tropes pinned on a wall with someone throwing darts at them: “Ooh, I hit ‘Shadow of the Colossus’ and ‘Monster Hunter’, let’s have a mountain become giant #&$%ing turtle for some reason.” “Well, I hit ‘Bayonetta’ and ‘Metal Gear: Revengance,’ let’s have an annoyingly sucky leviathan battle before we gut Lunafreya for no other reason than we like to kill young girls. Bwa ha ha!”

Just please, please, don’t let Ignis be blind for his entire damn DLC episode, crying because he can no longer cook properly – “I have come up with a new recipe: despair. It’s made of Cup Noodle and tinned meat. I would cry but my eye sockets no longer work. Don’t worry, I am crying internally… and also bleeding internally. I would complain about my suffering, but I am too bloody Britsh!” Ultimately, I would like the DLC to try and carve a decent story around extraordinary characters – but I will settle for spending more time with them. Let’s face it, l will probably have to settle… and I’ll be counting every minute until I can.