The Phantom Pain (in the arse)

My name is Dean Bowman, and I hate Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and, since I seem to be one of the only people out there who does, I thought I might share my feelings to the group.

To put this seemingly irrational response to Hideo Kojima’s apparent last foray into the mind bending world of super soldiers, nano-machines and global conspiracy into context we have to go back to my six-year-old self who saw this for the first time (warning, contains naughty words):

I vividly recall, to my mother’s horror, rehearsing this scene for at least a full day (an eternity for a child), even though I didn’t know what all the words meant (I’m still not sure what ”’em” is supposed to mean). You know because it was the eighties and John Rambo was pretty cool back then. Some of the influence of Rambo must have worn off on me, though, because that’s exactly how I’ve been trying to play MGS. Of course it helps the comparison that The Phantom Pain is set in Afghanistan in much the same timeframe as Rambo 3, and also depicts the Mujahedin in a positive light (fun fact: Rambo 3 was dedicated to those Muslim resistance fighters, who were supported by the CIA, until 9/11 threw the politics of the situation into a somewhat different shade). Still, as much as the game invites comparisons to Rambo, it really doesn’t seem to want me to play it like that.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Despite loading you up with weapons, I suspect that Kojima envisages players crawling through the vast open world of the game on their stomachs so that the soviet soldier out walking his dog in the village just over the mountains doesn’t happen to spot you. You see, I think the AI is just too good in MGS, and by good I mean bad. It’s easy to give a computer controlled character near omniscient qualities, because computers are capable of not only outthinking you in a fraction of a millisecond but can anticipate your actions because, you know, they are filtered through the code of the game so they know what you’re doing even before you do (like that fight with Psycho Mantis in the first Metal Gear Solid, where you have to switch the controller port to beat him). In a sense the game is not unlike the super computer AI’s (the ‘Patriots’) at the heart of the story, running everything. Not only do humans not behave like computers, but it’s not fun to pit yourself against an all, knowing all powerful AI (just ask Garry Kasparov).

For an AI to be successful (read: fun) in a game it takes considerably more effort than giving it full access to the code of the program and allowing it to execute on it as efficiently as possible; it needs to be broken, limited and irrational in just the right way. In short: it needs to be humanised. I remember the good old days (yes, I said it!) where the guards would randomly fall asleep on their feet, or not spot you unless you did a dance in their cone of vision, or be fooled by a blob of ketchup. OK, fair enough, it wasn’t exactly realistic but at least the rules were clearly defined. In The Phantom Pain you barely know who spots you most of the time. I suppose the Soviet army must have had particularly good eye care in those days, because everyone in the game has 20/20 vision and then some.

No Kojimja. I don't want to wear the chicken hat. I already look enough of a dunce!
No Kojimja. I don’t want to wear the chicken hat. I already look enough of a dunce!

I don’t have the patience (or the time, really) to lay around in the dirt waiting for guard patterns to become apparent. I want to whip out my rocket launcher and shoot down Hind D’s, taking the advice of Rambo to heart. But every time I do that a soldier the other side of the map will mow me down with a shotgun, or a team of snipers will miraculously teleport behind me and off me in one shot. And the less said about The Skulls the better. When I look back the only stealth games I’ve really enjoyed are the ones that load you with supernatural powers – like Dishonored’s blink teleport or Shadow of Mordor’s… er, blink teleport. I even enjoyed stealth in Skyrim, but only because it was hopelessly overpowered to the point that you could one-shot a dragon. In short: I enjoy playing as the Rogue, but only when the Rogue is virtually unstoppable.

This is a little odd, because I generally admire games that disempower, and push back against the player as chosen one/messiah/centre of the universe discourse that has increasingly become central to the games industry. Although if Big Boss is far from unstoppable in combat, in my experience, the fiction of the game very much makes him the messiah, which is equally jarring. Surely Big Boss should be able to get himself out of the situation I’ve clumsily maneuverer him into? Yet I can honestly say that I have never been more frustrated by a game than Metal Gear Solid V. I can see that it is a beautiful looking, technical tour-de-force, I can appreciate the depth of its systems, I can admire the construction of its landscapes (though it’s proven to me that open world does not ideally accommodate stealth – there are just too many variables), but in spite of all that I hate it.


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One response to “The Phantom Pain (in the arse)”

  1. Zeev avatar

    Ohoh uh – give this dude a copy of Armed Assault or Operation Flashpoint. Cannot wait to see his reaction then.

    Now on a serious note. This game is far from being difficult, and I am a casual gamer. Just start developing items and base facilities from the beginning of the playthrough. I myself didnt have difficulties going rambo style when was bored of playing stealthy. But honestly, its boring, and makes you feel cheap and like you cheat the game with all this gadgets and weapons. This game is more fun and satisfying playing stealthy. And if you wait 20 minutes for a one guard to pass by, you are doing something wrong.

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