E3 Reactions: Ubisoft

In which cast members of South Park and Friends clash on stage…

Scott: Stick of Truth sequel!?
Dean: I still haven’t played the first one. Does this look like there’s too much meta commentary on ‘we’re a game’?
Scott: Hahahaha. “A NINE POINT FIVE ON GAMESPOT”. Maybe, Dean…
Dean: Still – great subtitle! ‘Shattered but Whole’
Matt and Trey are on stage and host Aisha Taylor is laying the smack down early!
“We’re going to get deep into your butthole” – Nice one Trey and Matt. An Ubisoft press conference is always a classy joint!

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Scott: No Obsidian!?
Dean: Well spotted, Scott. Was the last one published by Ubi?
Adam: Yes.
Scott: Yeah, it was. Adam has the right of it!
Jason: And THQ was publisher before they folded. Obsidian was the developer.
Scott: It was trapped in limbo for a while. Even had that episode of the show that directly led into it.
Dean: Aisha just took a nice jab at internet trolls.
Shaun: YVES!

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In which Ubi shows us something new (!)

Dean: New IP from Ubi! Knights! Vikings! Knights vs. Vikings?
Shaun: It looks like (a more interesting) ultimate warrior
Scott: FOR HONO(U)R
Dean: I’m stoked – I love me some brutal medieval combat!
Shaun: I imagine if a sword is coming at your head, you shit yourself before you either stand OR fight
Dean: New kind of gameplay “the art of battle.” Bold claims, too bold perhaps. He’s talking some Dark Souls talk. There isn’t a developer in the last three years who doesn’t seem to have been influenced by it.
Scott: Dean, you should join us for terrible Mount and Blade shenanigans!
Dean: That sounds great – not sure my PC can hack it?

The Black Knight never surrenders!
The Black Knight never surrenders!

Scott: Gameplay, finally. Dean, with the right settings, Mount and Blade can probably run on a toaster!
Dean: Ohhhhhh… this looks good!
Adam: This is the same creative director as Red Steel. So I expect lots of fancy sword control (that hopefully works this time).
Dean: I thought he was going to say it was out now 🙁
Scott: He did set it up that way, yeah.
Dean: “I really loved that last beheading.” Bless you, Aisha.

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In which the finer points of betrayal are discussed

Scott: The Division. I forgot this existed.
Dean: Looks good – was just saying earlier it might be the Destiny that Destiny should have been.
Scott: I made a fantastic/terrible “more like Destiny… OR LACK THEREOF!” joke the other day. I have no regrets.
Dean: More ‘realistic’ player banter in the gameplay demo.
Scott: “They’re all ELITE. Let’s not try to PULL AGGRO”.
Shaun: SELFIES! More games need selfies.
Scott: Wind Waker HD did do a good job with selfies… and GTA V
WILHELM SCREAM! You all heard it!

Now I have a machine gun... ho-ho-ho!
Now I have a machine gun… ho-ho-ho!

Shaun: I like this dark zone idea. Game area with potential incorporated PVP. It will just end up with everyone killing everyone (cough*gtaonline*cough) although it could go Destiny public event ways.
Dean: I like that brief Mexican standoff between two groups of players there – though most people are dicks and would likely not work together. I wonder if the game incentivises co-operative play in any way? I guess that answers that question… Brutal betrayal there! How does that guy sleep at night!
Shaun: It’s a bloody cool idea, and I love it, but I can’t help but feel it isn’t going to work well in practice. It was the same with that game mode in that game that one time. You all did a heist, then during extraction you could kill your teammates and take their cut. I wish I could remember what it was…
Jason: Kane and Lynch 2 wasn’t it?
Shaun: YES! Now I wish I couldn’t remember what it was…
Dean: This looks a lot more dynamic, though – I like the idea of shifting alliances.
Jason: I really don’t see it working in practice, people will just stick with their buddies.

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In which things get Weird(er)

Scott: HORSE GUN. What!? Furries/horsies/rainbows/guns…. TRIALS FUSION: AWESOME LEVEL MAX DLC.
Dean: Guess they got bored of bikes 🙂
Shaun: That was… awkward
Dean: Aisha is in the crowd making advances on a cosplayer. It was like a Graham Norton show moment!
Scott: Just Dance time. Time for a nap!
Jason: Stop the pain.
Shaun: Ubisoft on mute; Game of Thrones off pause.
Dean: I wish it were possible to fast forward live streams…
Shaun: Wake me when more actual games happen. Or the dancing turns into the Grease Experience for the 360, because that was great

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In which the boys fall in love with a geeky French girl and Zippy is speculated as a bonus character for Rainbow Six

Shaun: Oh shit a gun! Better put sound back on.
Scott: Splinter Cell? Or XCOM 2?
Ah, Rainbow Six.
Shaun: Awww, no Ding? I miss Ding already, he was the best Six.
Dean: Is Six a person like M?
Shaun: Exactly.
Dean: Actress Angela Bassett is on stage. She seemed pretty good in that trailer.
Scott: I think she’s a random NPC in Watch Dogs, too.

Zippy is OP; nerf please.
Zippy is OP; nerf please.

Jason: Team Rainbow, Zippy confirmed.
Shaun: I can just see Bungle kicking in a door.
Adam: In the book and old game, Team Rainbow is run by John Clark, I think. Later by Ding Chavez. This “Six” stuff is completely new for this game it seems.
Shaun: Ding was always known as Six as well when he took command if I recall
Scott: (… she is pretty!)
Dean: Was the brackets to imply you don’t want this quoted in the feature Scott? Because anything you say here I own.
Scott: I will go on record in saying that the cute, geeky French lady was cute, yes. I’m sticking to my guns!
Dean: Yeah… she was cute, geeky and French – pretty much all bases covered.

Geneviève Forget took to the stage to announce the return of fan-favourite game mode, Terrohunt!
Geneviève Forget took to the stage to announce the return of fan-favourite game mode, Terrohunt!

Shaun: Terrohunt. I spent sooooo many hours doing that on Vegas.
Dean: Terrohunt?
Shaun: It’s basically a map full on AI that you eliminate alone or with friends, like little mini missions, but with random enemy placements, etc.
Dean: I thought Siege was just PvP
Shaun: It is, this is another mode though. I wonder if there’s an actual campaign as well.
Dean: There’s clearly more to it than I thought… Wait, did she just say “our Bitta” instead of “Beta”?
Scott: SO CUTE. OUR BITTA!
Dean: Swoon!

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Scott: TRACKMANIA! I reviewed, like, all of these!
Dean: Looks fun – I get so nostalgic when I see split screen!
Scott: Trackmania is a game where you join the Giant Bomb Official Classic server and listen to Jurassic Park dubstep, while flipping in circles
Dean: Is this game basically scalextric?
Scott: Dean, you should read my reviews. They’re great little games. Fun at parties, to pass around. You don’t even need to like driving games, really.

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In which Ubisoft channels the spirit of Fred Dinbah

Dean: Fred Dinbah’s Steeplejack Simulator 2016!
Jason: I’m so done with Assassin’s Creed
Dean: But it’s in London! Horse and carriage chases!
Scott: Horsies, noooo! I’ve had a lot of trouble getting into the series, in general. I loved Black Flag, though.
Dean: Nice trailer – but nothing beats the Unity trailer with that awesome Lorde cover of ‘Tears for Fears’! I think I’m done with AC, but every time I see a trailer like this I hope that it can really play as good as it looks here – maybe this time? To be fair, this barely looks like an Assassin’s Creed game

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Scott: “First modern AC game” Wow, burn on Unity, there. 😛
Dean: Maybe he just means modern as in the first with a post industrial revolution setting. Hopefully he means “modern gameplay”
Jason: They should stick all these demos up on PSN and XBL, for the fans not in LA.
Dean: True, but people need a reason to go to E3 for something – they already stream all the conferences

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In which we admire more squad based tactical action

Scott: More Far Cry? AGAIN? I shouldn’t be surprised.
…I still don’t know what this is
Shaun: Ghost Recon? It has future soldiers animations.
Dean: Do you think it’s problematic that all three of us are unable to identify which open world destructathon this is? I like the way they are showing the same mission with different approaches though. That guy has a skull tattoed on his skull!
Scott: Skullception, finally! You called it, Shaun.
Shaun: All because of a running animation, haha! I am genuinely excited for that now, though.
Dean: Looks very cool. I’m always a bit frightened by the term ‘massive open world’, though.

The Ghost Recon franchise has certainly evolved in the last fourteen years! Scott remembers playing this on his Pentium 4...
The Ghost Recon franchise has certainly evolved in the last 14 years! Scott remembers playing this on his Pentium 4…

Scott: Man, do you remember the original Ghost Recon? Super hard, tactical strategy game on the PC? It was more ARMA than anything now…
Shaun: It didn’t even have visible guns. Like Rainbow back in the day, you’d spend a half hour studying a map and planning entry and routing the whole team. Full micro-management, right down to which way someone faced when they went in a door. Now it’s hang from the roof, shoot through window, be badass.
Dean: Quite a lot of good looking squad based tactical combat in that conference, though I think I’m most interested in For Honor
Scott: Please substitute “For Hono(u)r” in your article at all appearances of the word!

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