E3 Reactions: EA

In which we scramble to get the stream working for Mass Effect

Dean Bowman: Ok, so this works just like Twitch plays Pokemon – type in gameboy button inputs and you get to control Phil Spencer as he struts around the stage… has it started?
Adam Gulliver: YES. Oh god this could be mass effect!
Susan Marmito: Wait, what, where is my stream?
Adam: OH GOD IT IS
Susan: OH GOD SOMEONE IS WATCHING NETFLIX IN THE OTHER ROOM
Adam: Mass Effect: Andromeda! I hope this Mass Effect is a collaboration with the Andromeda TV show.
Dean: With that Johnny Cash soundtrack this makes Mass Effect look way to much like Firefly. Don’t get me wrong, someone needs to make a Firefly game, but that shouldn’t be Mass Effect.
Scott: Susan, it was just a Mass Effect CG trailer, and they’ve gone back to the usual EA buzzword teasing

In which we have Need for Speed – Cars, Bitch!

Scott: Need for Speed, now
Susan: Snoooore. I might as well go back to my restaurant sim for a bit
Jason Potter: Mass Effect, now with jet packs
Dean: Cars? I don’t want cars – I want space ships!
Adam: FMV is back in NFS. Now I’m super hyped! Love me some shitty FMV!
Simon Allen: I can explore it, race it AND own it?
Scott: I DO love me some terrible FMV. It’s what NFS was built upon. Have you ever seen the ORIGINAL 3DO’s cutscenes? Fantastic!
Dean: But can you do explosive take downs?
Shaun Greenhaff: I just want Burnout 3 remastered
Dean: Wow the graphics look just like a movie! So realistic.
Scott: Well it looks pretty at least.
Dean: Look at those filthy, soggy, moist pavements. Coooor!
Adam: I’ve watched the Need for Speed movie. I’m not proud.
Shaun: I enjoyed it, even not prouder
Simon: The Need for Speed movie was a little bit silly but I can forgive Aaron Paul anything. His hair is cool.
Scott: He’s Jesse. He will forever get a pass.
Simon: Yo, Mr White. Etc.
Shaun: Cars, bitch!

In which The Old Republic gets a kebab

Dean: Hello John Hickman [Waves]
Scott: OLD REPUBLIC… huh
Shaun: But it isn’t even canon anymore
Simon: I heard there was a new KOTOR coming. Is this what is happening right now?
Scott: “Knights, of the Fallen Empire.” Doesn’t sound like it, Simon. Just an expansion for TOR
Simon: KOTFE
Dean: That sounds like a kebab Simon. You can wear white or black robes, looks like they have their morality system nailed down!
Scott: Free to all subscribers. Nice!

In which we fall in love with Yarny from Unravel

Scott: “We’re showing Battlefront later. DON’T LEAVE!” Two new IPs?
Scott: Unravel?
Susan: Heeheehee this is more like it
Scott: Looks like Yoshi Woolly World/LBP
Susan: Yarny?!
Shaun: “Oh my god my insides are now my outside”
Scott: LOVE
Susan: The bonds we make. OMG. This is aimed at me
Simon: It must be scary to have to talk to about a billion people on the internet about this yarn cat game you made. I respect this guy.
Scott: HE HAS A PLUSH, SU. HE HAS ONE WITH HIM
Susan: OMFG.
Dean: They say they want to do something more than just entertain – And just imagine EA actually let them on stage!
Dean: This sounds really cool
Susan: Yarny! I’m still not over it. Oh my god this looks adorable. HE CLIMBS UP HIS OWN YARN
Scott: AHHHH. NO. TERRIBLE MEMORIES OF BRITISH CARTOONS. I was referring to Watership Down by the way
Susan: Shhh! We don’t speak of Watership Down
Dean: Have you seen Plague Dogs? It’s like Watership Down on downers.
Dean: Do you think he has a limited amount, before he completely unravels?
Susan: But this is so cute it’s making my eyes leak
Simon: Yeah, it looks beautiful and unbearably cute.

In which EA spoils the mood by playing Danger Zone

Scott: DANGER ZONE
Adam: EA are going to get their damn moneys worth out of Danger Zone.
Dean: Nice transition guys! For fuck sake
Simon: WTF is happening now?
Dean: You’re asleep. You ate too much edam.
Scott: ZOMBERBIA. Tehehe
Dean: Up there with the best town names – like Castlevania city. I always thought Garden Warfare looked pretty cool. I’m totally into dumb/cute takes on shooters
Scott: HOW FUN DOES THAT LOOK silence Aw!
Dean: That’s a cute little zombie guy – paint him yellow instead of green and he’d be like a minion. ‘Graveyard Ops’ – love it
Scott: GOPs?
Dean: “See you in Zomberbia!” Not if I see you first! Boom!
Adam: They’re spending an awful lot of time on this.
Dean: They have a lot of time to pad before Battlefront!

In which sports happen
Shaun: SPORTS!
Scott: Ice Hockeys, now
Dean: Fuck sports – I know we’re a community site, representing a myriad of different views, but I think we can all agree on that.
Simon: Ah cool – last year’s NHL looked and played really well but was missing modes, will be interested to see this one. Also, fuck sports.
Dean: Was that FIFA? Surprised they let them play with so much ice on the pitch, and since when did they introduce sticks?
Adam: I like sports. Sports games on the other hand… I’ve been burned on FIFA too many times.
Scott: Except NHL ’93 on the Mega Drive/Genesis. Everyone likes that one. (It’s the one where you can fight each other!)
Dean: I remember that – it’s all about the fist fights! Is this the first PGA Tour that doesn’t have Tiger Woods?
Simon: I don’t think so, I think they released at least one game that technically held the Tiger Woods name since his shaming.
Dean: How much sport can you get into two minutes? The sports are all merging into one strange hybrid sport.
Scott: HOOP GOD! PRAISE BE TO HELIX!
Dean: Who is hoop god??? They’re sampling the face scanning tech on him.
Simon: Hoop God is the physical manifestation of the social dissatisfaction of the millennial generation, and also he has responsibility and governance of all hoops.
Dean: How quaint – he’s wearing his cap on back to front
Scott: AHHHH! IT’S TURNED INTO FACE RIG! RUN!
Dean: “So you can see what he looks like in game… Pretty hot” I’m not sure those two sentences were intended to be together!
Susan: Are we still on sports?
Scott: I knew Hoop God was OP! Hope he gets debuffed in the next patch.
Susan: I’m finally watching mario maker and it’s glorious. Mario jumps better than these dudes!
Dean: I love that Susan is watching a completely different press conference to everyone else! This is going to be a pain in the ass to edit!!!! Fine, I’m just going to watch an episode of Breaking Bad and comment on that
Simon: It’ll be fine, just cut out this bit where I make a racist remark:
Dean: I was only joking earlier, but this is totally getting like Twitch Plays Pokemon. DEMOCRACY!
Simon: Up

In which we talk about mobile (and card games)

Dean: “Let’s Talk about mobile”
Scott: Star Wars mobile game, now
Shaun: Star Wars CCG? Go On….
Scott: Minions Paradise?
Susan: I’m bored of minions
Simon: Been spending most my life, living in a minions’ paradise – LV
Scott: I never really got into Minions. “HEY GUYS, WHAT ABOUT THESE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE LIKE DOING REAL PEOPLE THINGS”
Dean: Shaun, Are you familiar with the star wars card game by Fantasy Flight? It’s meant to be fairly good…
Scott: Dean is the card game guru! He sent me a cool Princess game for Christmas. I mean, uh…
Dean: I was playing Love Letter in the pub last night actually:)
Shaun: I’m scared to really get into CCGs, I already spend too much money
Dean: Shaun these are LCG: ‘Living card games’. The releases are regular but not randomised, so not quite such a massive money pit
Simon: I’ve been playing the Game of Thrones LCG. I like.
Dean: I’ve played that – it’s being completely rebooted in a few months. I’m going to start playing it again
Simon: Took me 14 weeks to pick up the rules.

In which more sport happens and… Pele?

Susan: More sports?
Scott: Lolol, my stream is buffering. But I am okay with that happening right now.
Dean: Look its Pele! This is like the Spielberg moment! FIFA trying to take football back to its roots
Simon: The FIFA promotion machine is the most wretched hive of lies and misdirection in the galaxy.
Dean: I want to see a football game that shows football as it was hundreds of years ago. Hundreds of peasants kicking a pig’s bladder between two villages, getting pissed and murdering people on the way. That’s authentic football! FIFA meets Game of Thrones
Scott: Come on, Simon, that was an obvious opportunity to use the “Scum and villainy” line!
Simon: Who would you licence the pig’s bladder from I wonder? The pig, or it’s descendants, I suppose.
Dean: ‘In the game of balls you either win or you go into injury time’
I’m so glad this guy whose interviewing Pele got to meet and speak to his idol, but this is going on for ages. Pele just said “keep the ball moving” as a metaphor for continuing with the show. What a football god.
Scott: Pele was legit nice, though I barely even care about football, and he seemed nice and genuine.
Dean: Yeah – seems like a nice chap I think my comments are coming across as far too cynical
Simon: Every year, same nonsense from EA on FIFA. “Control the midfield. Defend with confidence. Max the extreme.” = We’ve changed the menu assets.
Susan: Are we still sports? How much more sports?
Shaun: Biggest change FIFA ever made was 3D modelling the crowd
Simon: That said, I’d like to try the women’s football.
Dean: Well Simon you’re in luck! You can now be a lady in FIFA character selection. Elder Scrolls have let you do that for ages…
Scott: Best football game: Sensible Soccer (or World of Soccer) on the Amiga, right?
Dean: In all seriousness, it’s quite good to see them put women’s football in the game – might contribute to raising the profile of the sport in real life perhaps?
Simon: PES6 was the best football game ever I reckon.

In which our Faith is restored…

Shaun: Mirror’s Edge next at least
Dean: Oh god, another dystopian future PR spiel. Have you not learnt from Watchdogs?
Scott: Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst
Simon: It’s just a remaster, right?
Dean: Sounds like a new one, if they are talking about an origin story. Mirror’s edge looks pretty great.
Simon: Open world…
Dean: No loading screens
Scott: Looks a little Ellen Paige, there
Scott: PIGEON MAN
Jason Potter: Why does rooftop Morgan Freeman have pigeons?
Dean: Jason, it’s a homage to Ghostdog Way of the Samurai. That wasn’t Morgan Freeman, that was Forest Whittaker. I haven’t seen anyone fire a gun yet, which is very encouraging. Yeah. That looks brill.

…And dashed again by American Football

Scott: And now… back to Football. American Football.
Jason: Fantasy football? Orcs or nah?
Dean: Fantasy football should totally have Orcs! They wouldn’t be that out of place, American Football has always seemed really arcane to me. Yes EA this is clearly where ‘fantasy fans’ will be spending their time this year…
Adam: I get the feeling that Pele may have gone a bit long? The guy is speed reading this script.
Simon: That’s the risk you run when you start an impromptu Jackanory session with Pele for no apparent reason
Jason: Breaking news Madden 16 grass confirmed! Snow covered grass pre-order DLC

In which Battlefront ends on it on a high

Simon: Star Wars Battlefront… With new Ultimate Team…
Shaun: Gameplay! Yay! I just hope they pull a Hardline and give us an immediate beta
Scott: Well, that looks pretty fantastic. Though probably scripted as all heck for this presentation, but hey, E3! VERY good sound mixing. ATAT Oh heck yeah. The pilot banter is brilliant!
Dean: He totally flew under that thing’s legs! Just like in that film!
Scott: Walker dropping was great! Tie cockpit looks just like classic Tie Fighter! Swoon. Annnnd… End of show.

The comedown…

Jason: I wanted Mass Effect 4 gameplay!
Scott: At least they confirmed it exists. Uh, again? Sort of confirmed it existed last time.
Jason: Really thought it’d be far enough along for at least a snippet. And no KOTOR HD again, at least I’m getting Shenmue HD this year… right?
Shaun: We better be after Yu’s teasing!
Jason: This year for sure!