Press SeX to Continue – Weapons & Phalluses (NSFW)

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Welcome to the kinky corner of Ready Up. Here we can relish in the naked form, both male and female, and what better person to guide you than me. Zoey at your service, your resident sexpert both in and out of the virtual world. Sometimes it seems as if games developers just can’t tell the difference between genitals and weaponry. And not just any genitalia either – impossibly large, make a porn star blush, ridiculously unfeasible genitals. I’m hoping most of you aren’t game developers and can therefore tell the difference. If you can’t then this one’s for you. Time to look at some “weapons”.

Since the dawn of time (ok, ok, since 1997 you pedants) one sword has been known as more phallic than any other. Whether it’s the way he holds it, (because seriously, that’s not normal) or the fact that it’s just massive, there’s no escaping Cloud’s Buster Sword in good old Final Fantasy VII. Whether he’s just self-conscious or had some disturbing radioactive side-effects during the Jenova project, somebody is definitely compensating for something. Apparently no amount of sports cars could do it for messed up Cloud, but a giant shiny sword “accidentally” held at the groin? Yeah, that’ll do it, message received!

Is this the most well-hung hero the world has ever known?
Is this the most well-hung hero the world has ever known? He’d like you to think so anyway…

Despite popular opinion, Saints Row didn’t invent the idea of a giant purple dildo weapon, they just perfected it. The original culprits were none other than the studio that keeps on giving (or at least keeps on giving me writing material) RockStar. Yep, that’s right folks the original giant purple dildo first appeared in GTA San Andreas, a game so filthy it deserves its own blog. Of course that clearly formed the basis for possibly the most infamous weapon in recent history. I am of course talking about The Penetrator from Saint’s Row III. Subtlety clearly doesn’t exist in their offices and that’s why their three foot long dick on a stick clearly deserves a mention. Utterly terrifying, whether you intend to beat someone to death with or merely use it on them you can expect your enemies to flee and never ever come back.

Staying on the theme of dildos, after all there’s no such thing as too many, we come to Dead Rising 2: Off the Record. Let’s face it, these people had enabled us to kill zombies with a Blanka mask, a donkey lamp and a lipstick. If you can kill something with it, it’s bound to be in one of these games so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that this particular game came with two unashamedly phallic weapons that have earned themselves place in this blog. Firstly the humble, but not to be neglected, standard “massager”. Beat some zombies with it, giggle at it like a schoolgirl or even photograph it for a nifty erotica PP boost, but if that’s not enough for you why not try combining it with a leaf blower? I present to you the Super Massager.

Super_Massager
The Super Massager – Why settle for less?

The end result might be terrifying and unsexy to a fault but there’s just no denying that the anal probe from Destroy All Humans! has more than a little penis-like quality. You play an alien who shoots a large gun at a human, producing a little gloopy glow on the back of their trousers – had they left it there it would have been great but those of you who enjoy toilet humour and want to see what happens next click here. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Join me next time as we continue our journey into the world where sex and video games collide. And remember: it’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot.

Kinky Character #020: Fran

Kinky Facts: Pretty much every Final Fantasy game provides a hottie one way or another, and XII was no exception. Fran is a Viera, a rabbit person who must constantly wear high-heels due to her bone structure, thus instantly earning kinky points. When I look at her, all I can see is a Playboy bunny who moonlights as a dominatrix. Mysterious, and the strong silent type, it’s impossible to find out her age. But hey, with age comes experience, and I hear she’s maxed out.

 


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