Listing Life Dangerously – Five Tips For GTA Online

As you all know, GTA Online launched without a hitch. The next step was actually playing it. I spent so much time with it in the last week that my family have intervened and sent me to rehab. My parting gift to you is this list of tips. As you’re probably aware, I’m an idiot, but they say that even a stopped clock is right twice a day. So, a couple of these might be worth reading.

5. Switch to Story Mode to save your character

Oh, sure.
Oh, sure.

Several friends of mine have lost their GTA Online characters. Thankfully it hasn’t happened to me, but that seems to have been due entirely to good fortune. Rockstar are well aware of the issue, and have posted instructions for avoiding it. The salient point is that you need to try to make sure that the game saves your character properly before you quit/power off. Apparently the best way to do this is to pause in GTA Online and then use the menu to switch back to single player. Hopefully if you do that then you’ll avoid the problem entirely.

"Oh No! My character is gone! All that progress lost! He'd killed so many prostitutes with baseball bats."
“Oh No! My character is gone! All that progress lost! He’d killed so many prostitutes with baseball bats.”

 

4. Get the right car

You'd fail to be surprised at how little I got laid whilst making this spreadsheet.
You’d fail to be surprised at how little I got laid whilst making this spreadsheet.

As pretty as the formatting is, note that the above statistics I spent quite some time compiling from the in-game internet are largely meaningless. Once the cars within each class are fully modded they all go pretty much as fast as each other. So my advice is to simply pick the car that you think looks nicest. For the record, the fastest non-premium car I’ve been able to find is the Schyster Fusilade so try and find one of those if you don’t want to order a car, or don’t have a garage because you’re a GTA Online tramp.

I was convinced it would get me laid but it didn't so I killed a prostitute with a baseball bat instead.
I was convinced it would get me laid but it didn’t so I killed a prostitute with a baseball bat instead.

 

3. Get the right apartment

One day I'll live somewhere this nice in real life, when I learn how to cook meth or become Bruce Wayne.
One day I’ll live somewhere this nice in real life, when I learn how to cook meth or become Bruce Wayne.

There are plenty of apartments to choose from in the game, but it’s not quite clear what you’re buying. It looks like only the 10-car apartments have a heist planning wall, so it’s wise to save up and get one of them. However, all of them have exactly the same interior, so the difference in price between them all is down to the location and view out of the windows. Note that if you already own any apartment and buy another one, I hear you get half of your previous outlay back on trade-in, which is nice. I recommend buying the $391,000 apartment in Eclipse Towers because it has the best view.

My view every morning, once I've waded through the discarded baseball bats and prostitutes.
My view every morning, once I’ve waded through the discarded baseball bats and prostitutes.

 

2. Don’t bother with body armour

Pictured: Sir Jaime Hammister.
Pictured: Sir Jaime Hammister.

Armour can be worth purchasing in Free Mode or competitive matches to get an edge over human opponents. However, in cooperative missions and Survival jobs, AI enemies can shave it off entirely with one or two bullets. In the latter especially you can pick it up for free in-between waves, so why bother paying out? It costs a few hundred dollars a pop, which can often cut into a substantial part of your reward for completing a mission. My advice is to forego the armour and simply keep your distance from enemies wherever possible, preferably brandishing a sniper rifle, cigar, and book of wry quips.

"I guess with that last shot I made you a QUADriplegic. ROFL."
“I guess with that last shot I made you a QUADriplegic. ROFL.”

 

1. Look after your money

You could probably re-use those gloves for killing prostitutes with baseball bats.
You could probably re-use those gloves for killing prostitutes with baseball bats.

In GTA Online, as in real life, there is plenty to spend your money on. Weapons, ammo, and gun modifications are all rather expensive, as is a trip to a garage to upgrade your vehicle. Depending on how belligerent you are, you may also have developed a $50,000-a-day habit of placing bounties on random players’ heads. First off, you need to make sure you bank whatever cash you are carrying as soon as you’re kicked back into Free Mode following a job. If you don’t, each time you die you’ll lose a portion of that cash, in addition to hospital fees. Also, think long and hard about which guns and cars you will use the most, and what modifications are required. For example, a friend pointed out that the AP Pistol is at least as effective as the SMGs in a close-range firefight, but the ammo is cheaper.

Never scrimp on the essentials, though.
Never scrimp on the essentials, though.

You can follow Simon (@MrCuddleswick) on Twitter here and also slowly by car if you want. Last time on Star Trek: Listing Life Dangerously we learned all about four GTA V features to look forward to…


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