Listing Life Dangerously – Four GTA V Features to Look Forward To

Grand Theft Auto V releases 17th September. It will change the world.

Here are the features I’m looking forward to most. Try not to disagree with me on any of them; I feel threatened and insecure when that happens. You wouldn’t like me when I’m threatened and insecure. Which probably explains why you’ve never liked me.

4. Mission Planning

“Now, we’ll need to leave the prostitutes and baseball bats outside for a few minutes….”

The best mission in the last game in the series, GTA IV, was the bank heist. It pleasingly evoked the central heist scene from the Michael Mann movie HEAT which is arguably the best artistic work to ever feature Val Kilmer’s ponytail.

GTA V promises to place the planning of “a series of increasingly audacious heists” in our hands. We’ll have to source the people and tools to make it happen, and we’ll also have to decide on how it all goes down. Expect it to make the campaign a little more compelling for many who switched off during GTA IV‘s meandering narrative.

The example from the trailer pitched a choice between raiding a jewellery store by either bashing the door down and pointing guns at everyone, or first gassing the store then moving in whilst wearing disguises. It has also been intimated that you’ll be able to choose your team, with the option to kill certain teammates before the mission ends so that you keep a bigger cut of the spoils.

“Just think of all the ponytails we’ll be able to buy, Val”.


3. Countryside

Needs some explosions, but still quite beautiful.

Sure, we had countryside in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas back in 1978 or whenever that game was released. That wasn’t delivered in beautifully detailed high definition, though. It’s pretty clear from the footage and screens that the rural environments in GTA V will seek to surpass the scope of those seen in Red Dead Redemption. It might mean more donkey ladies. It might mean tireless expeditions in search of Bigfoot. It will definitely mean countless evenings spent watching Tony try to jump a quad bike from the top of a mountain into the ocean.

“Balls on a tray! I jumped off the wrong side again.”


2. Wildlife

“Don’t look now but I think God is giving us the finger.”

Nothing adds a sense of life to a game world like hundreds of dying animals. We’ve seen at least deer and dogs so far in trailers, and it’s a safe bet that both bear species native to America will feature (Yogi and Boo Boo). Also, being eviscerated by cougars was a continual highlight of Red Dead Redemption, and I see no good reason why we won’t be regularly eviscerated by cougars in GTA V too.

After all, 24 taught us the harsh lesson that there are cougars in California.


1. Blimp

Pictured: Blimp, top right. Check it out.

What is blimp? Why is blimp? Will we pilot blimp? Will we crash into blimp? Does blimp go round and round or stay still?

Blimp… friend?

You can follow Simon (@MrCuddleswick) on Twitter here and also slowly by car if you want.

Last time on Star Trek: Listing Life Dangerously we learned all about the two games I’m stuck on…







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