HEY! Do you want to feel awesome? Try BLOOD DRAGON! A new Far Cry 3 standalone DLC for people who want gratuitous amounts of awesome. With all new awesome features like DRAGONEONS: it’s like adding neon onto dragons – it’s awesome²! Do you like bullets? Well how about LASERS? Made with energy, REAL ENERGY! Blood Dragon is so awesome it’s almost a full blown discipline of study. AWESOMOLOGY!
Rex ‘POWER’ Colt is going back to the future. It’s 2007 and the world is boned because nuclear war has broken out causing a dystopia future-past with DRAGONS, because of reasons. “Blood Dragons?”, you ask. NO, just regular, neon-glowing, dragons who have no wings and look exactly like dinosaurs, obviously! Kick back and chill though because Rex Colt is a Mark IV Cyber Commando, as the previous three clearly SUCKED, and is armed with a robotic Power Glove™ and one-eyed cyborg powers. Your mission? Kill everyone, save no-one! Unless they have breasts. SAVE THE BOOBS! Humanity itself depends on it! (Ubisoft’s official statement says so: “get the girl, kill the baddies, and save the world”. Sexism isn’t cool, kids!)
Like 80’s movies and television shows? Then welcome to the party, pal! You’re going to be right at home with Blood Dragon. Is that not enough? Do you want more? What’s wrong with you?! Fine. How about some more neon! Neon buildings, neon weapons, neon enemies, neon wildlife, neon dragons, neon ammunition, even god damn neon zombies. Do you know how hard it is to make zombies glow outside of Call of Duty? We interrupt this review to BLOW YOUR MIND: Blood Dragon also has dragons with LASER EYES. Lasers, out of their eyes. Forget laser eye surgery, how about eye laser surgery!
That’s right, the 80’s were THIRTY years ago! Don’t feel old, though, feel awesome!
The aesthetics are as pleasing as having a bacon double-cheese burger where the burger is made of bacon, and instead of bread buns there’s BACON! Like retro 80’s style stuff? Remember VHS tapes? Long for that ‘Tracking’ bar you used to have thirty years ago? That’s right, the 80’s were THIRTY years ago! Don’t feel old, though, feel awesome! 20% of the successful swimmers of today likely don’t even know what a VHS tape is, so your knowledge is now valuable thanks to Blood Dragon.
You a fan of collectibles? GOOD! Because Blood Dragon has a sweet-ass pile of them. It’s okay, it’s not like those shitty, lame feathers other games make you pointlessly collect, these actually contain back-story and interesting words that come with them! Read the WORDS. Not enough gamers read any more because they’re afraid the EPICNESS will melt their eyes out. Though that may happen because this is Blood Dragon calibre writing!
The weapon and upgrade systems are as you would expect with other games, except with added neon so they’re all better than other games. Not to spoil anything, but if you happen to play video games then this may have the best DLC ending of all time forever. Think that’s not true? Play it and find out for yourself! The ending is like beer that comes in bacon flavour. BEERCON! Blood Dragon is like eating bacon while watching a Die Hard trilogy marathon during a rave and your clothes are made of bacon.
Loses points for not having any bacon in the actual game, and for being mildly repetitive with something other than bacon.
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