Press SeX to Continue – Playboy: The Mansion (NSFW)

Welcome to the kinky corner of Ready Up. Here we can relish in the naked form, both male and female, and what better person to guide you than me. Zoey at your service, your resident sexpert both in and out of the virtual world. This issue we look at the 2005 sim, Playboy: The Mansion, where players get a sneaky peek in to a virtual version of the infamous Playboy Mansion? Let’s face it, even if the overly plastic blonde bombshell isn’t your thing, in this day and age there’s a Playboy bunny for everybody.

it’s up to you to fill Hef’s shoes (and, from what I hear, they’re fairly sizeable)

In reality this game is a business sim with a healthy helping of bikini clad babes, and parties. As a fan of both sim games, and the nude female, this is a great combo for me. You see, once upon a time the hugely successful Playboy brand was just a magazine. It may have been the best way to see boobs pre-internet, but still, it was just a magazine. Your job is to grow the Playboy name from its humble beginnings to the household name it is today. Whether it’s snagging that big celeb endorsement or deciding on your merchandising, it’s up to you to fill Hef’s shoes (and from what I hear, they’re fairly sizeable).

strangely made more family friendly by insisting that underwear stayed on no matter what you got up to at your sordid soirees

Of course, the game is called The Mansion for a reason. As you progress you will be able to deck out the infamous party house as you wish, and then get women round to enjoy it. Relationships can be built, with you choosing simply business, friendship or sexual as your category. Obviously some of these will help you boost your revenue, whilst others will help boost… ahem, something else. So get the girls in the Grotto, and start mingling.

The great thing about living the life of Hef? As long as there’s money coming in you can party to your heart’s content. Unfortunately the original game was strangely made more family-friendly by insisting that underwear stayed on no matter what you got up to at your sordid soirees, but the expansion pack sorted that out right away. Well, okay, it gives you a pixelated blur a la unmodded The Sims, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.

With the well-known Midsummer Night’s Dream party and a host of other events, the expansions brings new celebs, and new playmates, along with a much more detailed character editor. Designing Playboy Bunnies – there’s not much I’d rather do.

The unfortunate fact is that with the host of sex mods available for The Sims, there’s just not enough smut in a game that should surely be all about smut. If it was rereleased for the 360 the censors would go mad trying to stop it, but it really falls in to the category of a teenage game, rather than an adult game. Sure, the achievements would have awesome names (“three’s a crowd”, “down the rabbit hole”, “Hef and the heffer”, okay I’ll stop now…) and I’d play it just to get it on my gamercard, but it just seems too shallow to get you interested. I think I’m better off just playing Sim City on one monitor, and watching porn on the other. After all, the combo is genius, I just need something a bit less vanilla. The unlockable old covers are, however, a very welcome touch.

Join me next time as we continue our journey into the world where sex and video games collide. And remember: it’s not demeaning or empowering, it’s just hot.