Digital Dilemma – The Best Undead


Dear Jo,

My name is Jeff the Zombie. You can just call me Jeff, though. I had to write to you because if I tried to call you, the words would come out like ‘Euuuurghhh, mrggggghhh’ because my tongue is missing and my brain is rotting, or something. I’m a bit sensitive about that so we’ll just move on.

Pleased to ‘meat’ you. Hur hur…

I am what is known as a ‘slow zombie’. We used to rule the roost. Back in the seventies we were feared. Hysterical ladies used to lose control of what they were doing and stand there screaming while we shambled at a snail’s pace toward them. Food was so easy to catch back then. Nobody ever made good blockades or anything.

I’m in a spot of bother, now, though. There is no fear of a zombie like me. Nope. These newfangled fast zombies are popping up everywhere. Some of them aren’t even dead! They just have infections or whatever that doesn’t kill them, just makes them homicidal maniacs… I mean, for shame. WE eat human flesh because we’re hungry (for some reason). They don’t even eat people half the time. They just take nibbles out of pure rage. Psh. That doesn’t make them zombies.

Hmph. Fakers.

The thing is, I’m starting to think that the old fashioned slow zombie is being disregarded as borderline ridiculous, these days. Once upon a time we were the stars of scary old mansions in the middle of Raccoon City. Nowadays even strategically placed plants can kill us. There’s a fellow named Frank who alone killed thousands of us with a toy lightsaber, while dressed in a Santa suit. It doesn’t help that there are numourous ‘survival guides’ dotted about the world. This eliminates the element of surprise (we like the chaos of being unexpected) when we uprise. Imagine the disappointment when we try to descend upon a town to find that they’ve all seen us coming and scarpered into their pre-made zombie bunks with a year’s supply of tinned food and also managed to wash their hair and have a cup of tea by the time we’ve made it there. So help us. Make us like we used to be.

Hah. Take THAT, sunflower!


Dear Jeff

Don’t worry. You still hold some weight. The whole ‘fast zombie vs slow zombie’ is a well debated topic. Sure, you aren’t much of a threat when you’re alone but that’s in an open space. Put you in a narrow corridor or any kind of tight space and I’d bet you’d still be feared. In a big group, you’re lethal. Sure, Frank swatted you like flies, but let’s face it… Frank is a legend. If you’re still worried, why don’t you consider teaming up with the fast ones? Imagine that… The fast zombies would be your ‘front line’ and then you would be the sturdy back up. That would be a deadly team right there.









Leave a Reply