Listing Life Dangerously – Five Irresponsibly Terrifying Moments From Home

Home is a 2D side-scrolling atmospheric chill-fest which you can buy for money from Steam right now. About £2 of money, which isn’t much money, my butler tells me. I think Home is pretty swell. I done went and talked about it only the other day on the esteemed, and critically recognised as a thing, Ready Up Podcast.

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Home is pretty scary for something that has less pixels than your microwave time display, which probably doesn’t even have any pixels so isn’t even appropriate for comparison and I don’t know why it was brought up.

In fact, some would say Home was irresponsibly terrifying, and thus they might be handsomely inclined to draw up a rudimentary list of sorts outlining the five times Home made them do a handsome fright-poo in their pants in just its opening 15 minutes.

It doesn’t quite go without saying that, if you don’t want the opening 15 minutes or so of Home spoiled, you should not read this until you’ve saved up enough to pay the £2 to buy it and play through it yourself.

1. Argh a small cat!

I beg of you to not eat my spine before I have expired, fearsome predator.

About 22 seconds into Home I had my first incident. I was just getting my bearings, really, when this foul beast loomed into view. It uttered an unintelligible shriek before scampering off into the night, clutching a part of my soul in its inescapable maw.

What I found in my pants soon after:

Firm texture. A perfectly natural thing to have happen.

2. Argh a loud bang!

Jebus! What was that? A gunshot? Someone falling over? A hippo farting? Someone falling over a hippo farting?

I pressed on past the previous incident and staggered down an empty corridor. A loud bang rang through the walls of the house. A wet plop rang through the walls of my bum.

What I found in my pants soon after:

A slight change of hue but nothing to be worried about, aside from the fact that it happened in the first place.

3. Argh something creaked!

That definitely sounded like a ribcage opening. Onwards!

I tried going into a room to see if that would help, but just through the door I was greeted by an even more worrying sound than the last. It could have been anything, but probably not puppies and lollipops. Which would probably be pretty upsetting in context anyway.

What I found in my pants soon after:

Definite problems. The viscosity is all wrong, and tiny crystals of pure fear have formed.

4. Argh the bats in my hair!

Ah, it’s just a swarm of bats. Which are in my hair.

Sometimes you’ll be in a cave underneath a house you don’t recognise, when a flurry of freakish frenzied flying mammals will descend upon your face, which will be etched with an expression of pure, sheer, almost comforting, horror. At this point, it is okay to cry and softly call out for your mother, whilst also softly doing a poo.

What I found in my pants soon after:

I’m the hero that Gotham deserves. What’s that smell? Where am I?

5. Argh the pipe!

Some pipes can’t be reasoned with. Some pipes just want to watch the world burn.

Things went a little quiet while the game presented me with a simple puzzle, which I admittedly struggled with. Of course, I had to re-tread old ground once I’d finished with the puzzle, and when you re-tread old ground in horror games, you just know that something’s going to jump out. Home is no different, but in place of zombie dogs, or Pyramid Head, or the millionth Necromorph that day, Home instead blasts boiling hot steam into your face from a seemingly docile pipe.

What I found in my pants soon after:

A decent hue, but, as you can see, regrettably part of my soul has come out with it.

You can follow Simon (@MrCuddleswick) on Twitter here and also slowly by car if you want.

Last time on Star Trek: Listing Life Dangerously we learned all about the five games that the industry is too stupid to make…







3 responses to “Listing Life Dangerously – Five Irresponsibly Terrifying Moments From Home”

  1. Mark P avatar

    I like that the main character is ginger. I’m going to play this in celebration.

  2. Jonny avatar

    Funniest man on the internet.

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