10 Lies I Have Told Because Of Games

Gaming makes liars of us all. Especially me. And probably you. Here are some of the biggest gaming lies I have told – you can either empathise or use them to make yourself look better by comparison – I don’t mind which…

1.  “I can play and listen at the same time – you have my undivided atten-SHIT!”

If I am playing a game, I am not listening to you. I am a HORRIBLE multi-tasker. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I believe this lie utterly when I say it, it’s only five minutes later when the noise you were making from your face has suddenly stopped and you’re looking at me waiting for an answer that I realise what has happened. At this point I’d say I’m 40% likely to come clean and say “I’m sorry, I have no idea what is going on” and 57% likely to just pick an answer and see what happens. The remaining 3% is for when you actually asked a direct question at the very end of your talking which I can mentally replay the noises of and actually answer.

2.”I will not backseat RPG especially when you are trying to play Ocarina of Time”

OH I WILL. I’ll be worse than Navi. “LISTEN!” I will interrupt. “Why aren’t you exploring that cool secret thing that is really only cool and secret when you find it by accident and it makes you smile and NOT when someone is (for example) sitting next to you on the sofa harassing you about why you haven’t found the underground cow yet.”

3. “I will NOT feel like a terrible parent if my red and yellow Pikmin decide to go for an impromptu paddle”

Oh God, I will. Each and every time it happens I will feel like a murderer and a neglecter and I will not be able to look the rest of the Pikmin in their innocent, hopeful eyes without feeling utterly monstrous. I have been known to made the remaining Pikmin go and stand behind a rock so Captain Olimar could take a short break to get over the ordeal. Then I blew my summoning whistle and they rushed over. Through water.

4. “Missing out on a gold license medal on Gran Turismo 3 by a fraction of a second and the fact there was a loud noise and the controller is on the floor are completely unrelated.”

Those gold license medals are the reason I see the value in floor cushions and beanbags.

5. “Of course I don’t believe I’m actually on a black ops mission.”

I do. And after I’ve finished playing, if I have the house to myself, I hide behind banisters and peer round corners and motion to my imaginary teammates to move out. Sometimes if the cat comes in I will treat it like a security camera and try to get as far around the room as possible without said cat acknowledging my presence. Oh. And my imaginary hit squad is called Team Python.

6. “I am not scared of Ayleid ruins.” 

I am terrified of Ayleid ruins.I was playing Oblivion until about 4am once (because I’m a grownup and I’m allowed to) but the last objective I’d completed involved creeping about in the ruins looking for something or another. After successfully completing the mission and not freaking out I turned off the console to realise that I was stranded in the living room with a long dark corridor between myself and bed. And because I’m a grownup I stayed in the living room until my boyfriend of the time came to see why the hell I still hadn’t come to bed and could check for monsters hiding in the shadows.

7. “I did not skip any important dialogue or cut scenes by idly pressing A.”

Although the game might be ready for a cut scene, I am not. I have been enjoying doing things and scampering about and solving problems and twiddling sticks and pressing buttons. I want to do more of that please. Why do I have to sit still and do listening? Oh, you’re trying to explain the next lot of scampering and puzzles and story are you? Well, sadly I only twigged that this was vital as I idly tapped at the very button that skips the entire thing.

8. “That was not my blue shell.”

Oh, it really was.

9. “Of course I remembered to block.”

Yep, we all know how good I am at remembering to do anything vaguely defensive. I also completely remembered to level up. Oh and I definitely added that upgrade to my weapon. And I was using all of my healing spells. And I saved really recently.

10. “Just one more game…” 

The biggest lie of them all. See you in five hours…