Overachiever – How To Get Girls To Sleep With You

Have you noticed how games have become increasingly risqué?  I’m not even sure risqué is the word anymore. I remember when Lara Croft’s pyramids were at the pinnacle of graphical seduction, but now games are throwing rounded, bouncy, even nippled boobs quite literally in my face. In Tomb Raider’s heyday, seeing a nippled boob in-game was little more than a 13-year-old’s daydream. Now, teenage boys across the world are living that dream all over their duvet covers.

And it’s not just boobs that are more prevalent in games; sex scenes themselves are finding their way into an increasing number of them, sticking their fingers up at the haters and the doubters of the games industry, showing everybody that the medium is capable of being just as sophisticated, deep and explicitly pornographic as the next.

So there’s one major thing I’ve learnt from my gaming experiences just lately: The Witcher 2 taught me that if you ever find yourself in an old roman style bathing room with a girl capable of disintegrating her clothes with magic alone, and that girl asks you what’s going on in that old head of yours, you always reply with ‘You could use a bath’. The scene that follows from this reply is just as titillating as any sex scene you’re likely to encounter in a movie. It’s true that she’s about to make the most annoying sex noises in videogame history, but you know what, it’s worth it just to feel like a grown-up for a while without having to put down your Xbox controller.

Heavy Rain taught me a very similar lesson: when things start hotting up in that motel room of yours, you just be sure to keep pressing circle. It’s all about circle. Press it like a mother. Circle and up on the analogue stick, then circle and up again. Then a bit of R2. Oh yeah, you like that? Yeah, I know you do. A seductive hint of L1, a teasing of left tilt, then circle again. Oh yes, we’re back to circle and you’re gonna take my circle like the bitch you are.

Ok, and breeeeeathe (and she does – it’s very annoying). Some people might say that explicit sex in games is just the industry’s way of shouting for attention, and in some cases, of course, this is true. But I’ve got to say that, when I realised what was starting to happen in Heavy Rain, I actually felt nervous, kind of like it was happening to me. And it really worked to heighten the bond I perceived between the two characters and to give them greater personalities. This is something that also occurred in The Witcher 2, even though the scene wasn’t interactive. Sex in games adds an extra dimension to the possibilities of what might happen to you when you switch on your console or PC.

Lesson learnt: sex in games is great. Go spread the word by spreading your seed.