Sonnet The Hedgehog – Gotham City Impishters

In which Sonnet takes his friend’s terrible, terrible advice to visit Gotham City for a holiday. Having somehow managed to survive nearly a week there without encountering one of the city’s numerous super-villains, he walks about town on his final night when disaster strikes.

But don’t worry, Batman to the rescue! Or is he…?

Read by Loz

[audio:http://ready-up.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Gotham-City-Impishters1.mp3]
Or download here

I rush down the sidewalk in the cold, dark night,

The pavement basked in lurid neon light.

Whose crappy idea was it to come to Gotham City?

The notion is terrible; awful; well, shitty.

The architecture’s depressing, the weather’s always grey,

Regardless of the hour, at night or in day.

But the worst thing of all is the terrible crime rate:

Villainy is constant, never coming in spates.

You have your general street crime: the assaults and muggings.

“But that happens everywhere”, I hear you say, shrugging.

Then let me tell you about the villainous beasts

That have made hundreds of residents dead and deceased.

You’ve got an ugly squat crime lord that carries an umbrella;

A man-eating monster, a terrifying fella.

A man in a mask with a pitchfork and hay;

One who does wrong on a specific day.

A being who can change his very appearance:

Another who kills with no thought for clearance.

An electrical madman who shoots lightning from his wrists;

A super-strong Luchadore who’ll break you with his fists.

Thankfully my safety savviness helped avoid

Falling victim within this villainous void.

I had one day left on this horrible vacation,

A few more hours ‘til I’m back in my home nation.

I whap out my phone to check the time

Which is when I become victim to a horrible crime…

As soon as I look at the screen in my hand,

I’m hit in the face by a large rubber band.

I cradle my face and the electronic pound

That is my phone falls down to the ground.

Before it can hide the sidewalk with a clack,

I look up and see the origin of my attack.

A short, skinny man rolling on skates.

He dressed in a way that makes him look a state:

Quiffed green hair, a bright purple vest,

A green feather boa adorning his chest.

The weirdest thing about him is definitely the face:

White, red, black makeup all over the place.

Was this him, the Clown Prince of Crime?

Had I reached my time, the end of the line?

The clown picked up my phone and skated away,

Getting further and further with every hip sway.

I was vaguely annoyed that my phone was now gone

But glad that my life was allowed to go on.

This wasn’t the end of the weird display

And events took a twist in the weirdest way.

From the rooftops came a shout, both roudy and ruddy:

“Don’t worry there, fella. I’ll save ya, buddy!

At this a fat man in a cape did swoop

And smash into the joker with a long, loud whoop.

On closer inspection, the man was wearing a cowl

Making him look like some sort of stressed owl.

Then I noticed the insignia drawn on his chest.

Could this be? No, too shonky,  a jest.

The two tumbled to the ground and began to fight,

A pinch here, a punch, a ruffle, a bite.

The clown got away and pulled out a nail gun

And aimed at the bat man as he started to run.

The fat man then opened a trashcan and pulled out

Some sort of contraption with a yawning spout.

He picked up some cola which was lying at his feet

And shoved it in the gullet without missing a beat.

It took me a while to see it wasn’t a joke:

A launcher that fired bottles of Coke.

The fat man took aim at my retreating assailant

Looking where best to make an impromptu implant

Of the bottle of cola that was ready to fire.

This joker had to feel the bat’s fizzy ire.

He pulled the trigger and the bottle went flying,

The damage which would should surely leave him crying…

I look up in horror and can’t help by cringe

As the criminals face impacts with the ginge.

He falls to ground  and his face scrapes the sidewalk,

The skin of his knees bringing him to a stop.

The fat bat man smiles, looking like a tit

Before something happens that makes him say “shit!”:

A siren starts sounding, piercingly loud,

While the shape of a bat appears in the clouds.

I survey the scene and see the clown

Clutching the pavement, back up, face down.

I scarper after retrieving my phone.

Screw this city, I can’t wait to get home!