Gamer-at-Arms – Jumad, bro?

A wee while ago that I wrote a blog about why Battle Royale was an awesome film and how it deserved to be a video game too. I’m writing now to tell you that if you’re working feverishly on a Battle Royale video game tie-in, stop what you’re doing right now.

I mean it. Stop working because I’ve just thought of a film that probably deserves a ball-bustingly amazing video game tie-in more than any other film ever made: Jumanji.

I should point out that in the tireless 15 minutes of research it took for me to refresh myself with the film, I discovered that there’s already a Jumanji video game that was released on the Playstation 2, comprised of mini-games. Fucking mini-games. 12 of them. You’ll understand when I say that that game can fuck right off . Jumanji doesn’t have a video game as far as I’m concerned, but it sure as hell deserves one.

If you read this far and haven’t become overwhelmed by a combination of uncontrollable childish glee at the thought of it or near-infinite sorrow at the realisation that it doesn’t actually exist yet, I’ll tell you exactly why a Jumanji video game would be the best fucking thing in the entire history of forever. Let’s get this straight first, though: the entirety of the game would simply be to win the board game. As great as Alan Parish and his quest to overcome his father issues is in the film, it doesn’t really lend itself very well to the kind of rampant multiplayer tomfoolery I’m picturing. If I wanted an emotional scene involving accepted responsibilities and fancy shoes that are way out of their time, I’d just watch the damned film.

As I mentioned earlier, what I’m mainly looking for is a multiplayer experience. The fictional Jumanji board game is for four players,  so too then would this be. Can you think of anything more hilarious than watching your best friend chasing after a monkey that’s stolen the board game? I should mention that losing possession of the board game in-game would mean failure for all four players, or watching them get mercilessly gunned down by the hunter Van Pelt? Fun for all the family! Wait, what do you mean that last one isn’t funny? Shut up.

Anyway, open world games are all the rage these days and Jumanji would be no different. Except it is different. Imagine a quiet little town and the surrounding area ‒ all peaceful and shit ‒ that can be dynamically shaped by whatever results the players get as they play through the board game. Oh, you’re just enjoying a wee kebab or something there, are you? Have a side order of stampeding rhinoceros.

And get this: the board game would be dynamic too! Think of all the crazy shit that happens in the film and add maybe 10 to 15 more things to that list. Combined with the malleability of the surrounding environment, there’s some serious replayability to be had.

Need I say more? I think not.