Questions about Mass Effect 3 (or “Why did Garrus stop calling?”)

Dear BioWare

*pause to allow anyone who isn’t a couple of hours into Mass Effect 3 to close their browser*

I have a few questions.

1. Why is Commander Philbert Shepard no longer allowed to sport a disfiguring facial scar?

It gave her character an air of danger and a whiff of backstory. According to who I was talking to (in the imaginary parallel narrative I was running in my head throughout the first and second games) the specifics and the complexity of said backstory would change.

For Liara I spun an epic yarn about a dreadful encounter at boarding school where I was struck across the face with a riding crop by a promising head girl candidate. After the incident her parents shipped her off to the galactic equivalent of a finishing school in the Pyrenees and paid for cosmetic surgery to repair my damaged face, except they were busted by the Inland Revenue before the surgery was complete and as such I was left with a permanent reminder of the vagaries of wealth.

For Mordin I decided that I had been unable to dive out of the way of a swarm of giant locusts and one had caught me a glancing blow with its razor-sharp wing.

I think I told Garrus that I’d fallen out of a tree while stealing pterodactyl eggs for a science project.

All of that is now GONE and Shepard is smooth-skinned and backstory-free.

2. Speaking of Garrus, when I ran into him, why did he not seem to recall the fact that we had a glorious romance which culminated in us trying REPEATEDLY (and in consultation with more than a few websites) to consummate our cross-species love?

Did he stop calling? Did I stop calling? Was I not enough for him? Am I no longer scarred enough for his tastes? What if he only loved me because of my crimes against pterodactyls?

3. And ALSO speaking of exes, why in the name of hell are you still trying to get me to like Kaidan?

I honestly couldn’t give less of a fig about that limp loser. I especially couldn’t give a fig for his habit of banging on about my work for Cerberus and how morally bankrupt it was. All told I’ve spent nearly 100 hours choosing the most dickish responses to his questions, only to have him turning up and making puppy dog eyes at me. ENOUGH!

4. Oh, and finally, I have to locate the Turian Primarch?

If you’ve muted the game and are reading the subtitles you’ve likely just shrugged and carried on the mission. If you’re from the UK and have the sound up you will keep thinking you’re being asked to locate an intergalactic branch of budget high street store Primark. Presumably because Garrus needs to pick up a snazzy on-trend floral dress and pair of flimsy leggings for under a fiver before we can continue saving the galaxy.

Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Philbert Shepard


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One response to “Questions about Mass Effect 3 (or “Why did Garrus stop calling?”)”

  1. Kearnel avatar
    Kearnel

    Lol I know what u mean about the Cerberus questions, Ashley did my head in asking me if I was still with them and then accused me of being with them on the citidel. Felt good to kill her, and then udina… Bonus… Oh and after she was a bitch to me on horizon she had the cheek to confront me about dating Miranda… Women, lol

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