The Cursed Crusade

Once upon an undisclosed time, in a land where some of you live, a brave warrior known as Fran the Great… umm no, maybe Fran the most awesome… and great, set sail… on a bus, for a trip to discover amazing riches, power and possibly some glory (depending on if she had a good breakfast, which depends on if you think a can of Relentless is a good breakfast or not). At her destination, she did slay many a dragon, battered around 50 bandits, capped many asses gangsta style and still had enough time to watch an episode of Come Dine With Me. She was all mighty and powerful, she learnt that blue cheese ice cream is not a good idea from dinner guest number one, and everyone worshipped her greatness. She even had free cheesecake delivered to her home each day! The end.

The above is what I’d like to think happened, instead my day was very different (bloody security guards spoiling my fun). Instead I was at the Imperial War Museum in London. It’s a pretty impressive building full of tanks, subs, aircraft and massive bloody missiles. The second I got there I was loving it! But that’s not what I was there for, no way! No, none of those bastard tanks were for me to accidentally drive off with, neither were there planes for me to fly away in. I was there for one mission only: The Cursed Crusade!

The Cursed Crusade is exactly the kinda genre I love. Developed by Kylotonn, a French video games company, the game is set in medieval times. It’s a third person action adventure game and it contains hot male character models wearing a lot of armour. Having had a go on the game, I was presently surprised, so surprised in fact that I took to the game as if it were my only child. Loving it, showing great happiness towards it, and then swearing and beating the crap out of it (by the way, I have no children, you don’t need to ring social services. I also love erm, all children, great and small).

The story is about two characters, Denz and Esteban, and they need to find Denz’s missing father, who should be able to lift a curse that has been put upon the two characters. The curse is like something from hell and when activated you go all horny and red, in the devil way, not the chasing after wenches way. The control system was really easy to pick up; I impressed the guy showing me how to play the game. You would expect nothing less of me though, really, girl power and all that other crap. The fights were bloody, messy, hack and slashy fights yet they were not button bashy fights and I could dual wield two different weapons at the same time. The enemy deaths were brutal and brilliant to watch and the environment looked pretty amongst all of the dead and severed heads. I had a cheeky grin the whole time I was playing it!

You can play this game in co-op. I was lucky enough to bump into some of the usual suspects I’ve become friends with on other gaming sites and had a go on co-op with my chum Svend. Co-op was fun, but then co-op in my opinion is always fun. And if you can pull off the tag team style move, it’s bloody awesome and you needed to give each other at least a ‘Dumb and Dumber’ style high five!

Now this is normally where we would say ‘laters’ and all go home. But, no, us ‘journos’ were in for a treat. In another room there were a group of guys, covered in medieval armour and wielding their massive swords triumphantly. They gave us a demonstration of sword and axe fighting. The same weaponry and stuff as I’d just seen in the game. A company called History In The Making supplied all the weapons and costumes these guys were wearing. They have also been used on TV shows and feature films shot in the UK. They even brought in medieval backdrops. The place looked like a bloody castle. It was great. The ‘guys’ in all the armour are actually period actors, and they do stunts and sword fighting for a living! I was very jealous.

It was all really impressive to watch ‘the guys’ battle it out, but you could tell people just wanted to grab swords and chop anything in sight, myself being one of them. As soon as we were allowed to try out all the shizzle, I went straight for the biggest weapon I could find. I found an axe, and because I needed to look the part (you know me when it comes to costumes), I got to try on some ‘mail’. Mail, probably known better as chain mail, was never actually called ‘chain mail’, as the mail is what the chain suit is called. It would be as if we were calling it ‘mail mail’ or ‘chain chain’ or something. Either way, I had to try it on. It took two people to put the bloody thing on me as it weighed a lot but once it was on, I could have worn it all day. It was so cool against my skin, like a soothing Aloe Vera gel except made from holey metal. I had a mail hood on as well, that also felt nice. They wouldn’t let me keep it. Boo!

Then I was given a Claymore to play with. A very nice Scottish man (with fabulous hair) then taught me how to wield a sword properly. Possibly the greatest thing I have ever been taught since learning how to not burn skinny fries. The movement done with the feet was very much like martial art stances, and this helped produce power to swing the sword. I was practising on a wooden target but if it were a human being, it would have lost its left arm, and its head,  but only after I’d broken its nose with the chunk of metal attached to the sword handle. This experience has taught me how to defend myself for when the zombies attack or in case those bloody killer tomatoes return to get us.

There were various other weapons and armour, shields and helmets. I pretty much tried out everything. I could have walked out with the gauntlets. They made my tiny little hands look all mighty against my weedy little arms. You could do a very good Doctor Claw impression and I did the most menacing evil villain ‘Muhahahaha’ finger taps ever! All of this sword fighting and axe wielding excitement wasn’t there to cover up a game that might be flawed, or even a bit rubbish and rushed. I really liked the game before I even stepped foot into the medieval battle zone and I look forward to playing The Cursed Crusade in the near future. This swordfest was just a great added bonus and I thank everyone involved in creating this amazing event. The Cursed Crusade is out on the 7th of October and I highly recommend having a cheeky look, and not just at the males in mail.







One response to “The Cursed Crusade”

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