Welcome, dear lady and distinguished gent,
to a blog that was written by a mind long since bent,
warped by a game that showed mountains of promise,
but from which my mind now in madness seeks solace.
Enchanted by assurance of a rich, dark game world,
but ultimately from the ledge of sanity I was hurled.
But what type of game makes it possible to crack
a mind that’s endured all manner of flack?
Well, it’s name’s Alice Madness Returns, don’t you see?
From the messed-up mind of American McGee…
The main character Alice you take by the hand
and guide her around the warped Wonderland.
Jumping to platforms and shrinking so small,
the solid mechanics make playing such a ball.
So what could be causing such buyer’s remorse?
Well, a section involving a glowing seahorse…
Under the water, where you somehow don’t drown,
is the section of game that has caused me to frown.
You must follow a seahorse as it guides you through darkness,
but it seems that its intentions are not pure, but heartless.
If you dance in the darkness, or wander or flirt,
you’ll soon be inflicted with worlds of hurt.
Linger behind or shoot off far ahead,
and sooner, or later, you’ll find yourself dead.
And then you’ll appear at the section’s beginning,
bad checkpointing ensuring your reduced chance at winning.
I tried and I tried and I tried so, so hard,
but I always messed up at the very final yard.
I must have tried over a dozen attempts,
But each of my failures I could always pre-empt.
Finally, on what was my fiftieth go,
my composure crumbled, my mind started to blow.
I exploded in fury and rambled like a lush
as the anger and rage turned my thoughts into mush.
I fumed and I furied and started to strain
as all sense of sanity leaked from my brain.
I could take not much more, enough I had had,
As I slowly, but surely, went laughing mad.
Now dearest reader, you must realise,
the term ‘early attempt’ no longer applies.
I’ve attempted the section on many an occasion,
but it drives me to anger with its casual persuasion
of denying me to progress past this certain section,
a fact that makes me regret my selection.
So I turn off my Xbox and damn it to hell,
this blockade announced as the title’s death knell.
It sits in its box and that’s where it’s stayed,
untouched since the incident, alone and unplayed.
My mind’s still recovering from the hellish drama,
my thoughts still resembling a fractured diorama.
If you’ve suffered such trauma,
then reader, come near,
take my hand down the rabbit hole…
…we’re all mad down here.
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August 6th, 2011 at 11:20 am
Very nice! I love the ending. :)
August 6th, 2011 at 7:28 pm
Best blog ever. /proud :’)
August 7th, 2011 at 1:40 pm
A retard with a box of crayons would have amused me more than this dribble.
August 11th, 2011 at 10:41 am
@para
When are you giving me my crayons back?
August 11th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
@Laura I’m glad that you liked it, but please do beware;
The rabbit hole’s not the safest of places, so please do take care.
@Markie Thank you my friend, I’m glad you are pleased,
If you weren’t, then perhaps, off you would be cheesed.
@Para Such a witty comment, with insults you cherish.
The only conclusion to form from such words are you’re jealous.
@Chumba Never mind crayons, come play with us.
And never mind bullies that make such a fuss.
August 22nd, 2011 at 2:39 pm
[...] Originally posted on Ready Up on 6th August 2011. [...]