Say Apple

Lately I have become more and more obsessed by comedy writer person, producer person, radio person, pod-caster person, err, Bristol person and actor person Stephen Merchant.  Over the years, I have listened to all of the XFM radio shows and podcasts which he did on his own (The Steve Show) or The Ricky Gervais Show with Ricky Gervais (a fatso with a headache inducing laugh) and Karl Pilkington (errm, I want to say ‘head like a f*cking orange’, but that’s too obvious. I think I’ll go with, ‘a legendary Manc git’).

I have also watched nearly everything that he has worked on except for The Office (Gervais is the reason behind why I didn’t watch it, I hated his character so much) and this is because I admire him as a person but also I find his gangly goggle eyed dork face quite charming and, erm, kinda sexy in some odd, freakish sort of way. I think we also have a similar humour. A little bit dry and quick witted and it’s really unique when you come across someone who’s style of humor is exactly the same as yours. Perhaps scary is a better word to use.

When I discovered that he was going to be a voice actor in Portal 2 I was just in utter awe. I did star jumps, fist pumps and made a delicous cake (which is a lie, you know I can’t cook). It made me want the game, (that I wanted badly enough already) even bloody more. Even more than Haribo for breakfast.

After playing all of Portal 2, it showed to me that the part of Wheatley was made for Merchant. His voice acting is amazing, the way he can show great emotion in his words and show this strange caring yet evil side all at once. All the voice acting in Portal 2 is fantastic, but with Merchant vocals, it gives the game a much more human approach. His sarcastic humor was perfect, and I think this is very rare in games today. It was such a contrast compared to GLaDOS’s harsh and robotic voice and Cave Johnson’s shouty, militant voice. And though it seemed slightly strange to start with, the mixing of a very human amusing Bristol accent worked really well. Obviously Valve thought his voice was amazing too and that’s why they left it untouched by technology.

I’d like to know how many games could be improved by just using Merchant’s voice.  The new Earth Defence Force would be awesome, if now and then you’d hear, “Ohhh! Look at the size of that bloody bug!” in native Bristolian. Or in Gears of War 3, “yes, erm it seems like I need to kill this monster, in the ‘most’ horrific way possible, isn’t that right Marcus? Yes, ok, I will probably do that… erm can you do it first?” My personal favourite would be to get Stephen Merchant to redub Get Fit With Mel B on Xbox 360 Kinect. This fitness game is actually pretty good except for the fact you have to put up with Mel B’s stupid voice. Merchant would make me want to workout everyday… “Ohh you did a little jiggle there, a lovely little jiggle! Fantastic… That’s it, that is some good leg, erm, leggage… Finish that workout and you can treat yourself to a lovely piece of muffin!”

I’m going to see Stephen Merchant in September for his ‘Hello Ladies’ tour. I managed to get a front row ticket and I will be there wearing one of my many Portal 2 T-shirts. I may even make an ‘I <3 Wheatley’ T-shirt especially for him. The lanky shit better notice it too, or I may have to start calling him the dumbest moron who ever lived… then Portal him into space… and then I would say I was genuinely sorry.