Yeah, I want to marry Cole Phelps

People incessantly harp on all the damn time about how all videogame protagonists are either space marines, chesty women or voiced by Nolan North. Or all of the above. They plead and beg to be served more depth of character with their gameplay dinner, bemoaning the identikit heroes that are blasted noisily onto their HDTVs every night. They whinge that there must be some sort of unwritten ruling that videogames must feature gung-ho one-dimensional mannequins in the lead roles, or carbon copies of cinematic recognisables like Indiana Jones or James Bond. The wizened scoff and pine after the good old days, when philosophical and sociological themes were ably explored by nothing more than a blue hedgehog or obese plumber.

Knowing and delicate satires such as Duke Nukem: Forever and BulletStorm skewer the reportedly dire situation so intelligently and dryly that they knowingly ironically appear submissive to the trend.

So you’d think that when a genuinely complex protagonist is wheeled out in front of them at great expense and effort, and he isn’t wearing space marine armour, and doesn’t sound like Nathan Drake or have massive tits, they’d all stand up and applaud with renewed vigour. They would clap until left with blunted stumps, surely, if a talented writer/director was empowered by innovative technology to weave a cautionary parable around their story’s tortured central soul?

Or, perhaps they just wouldn’t bloody notice.


There he is. Right there.


Of course, the reason they didn’t notice is because the game is five hours too long so they got bored. Also, crucially, the narrative is fragmented with all the elegant grace of an unconscious bear on a trampoline.






2 responses to “Yeah, I want to marry Cole Phelps”

  1. Mark P avatar

    You know when I saw the title of this blog, I immediately thought “Why does he want to marry an Olympic athlete?”

    Also, he’s not ginger so I don’t like him.

  2. Zoey avatar

    OMG! bear on a trampoline is so funny. *likes*

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