There are a lot of pervs on the internet. Yes, it’s great tool for sharing information, making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones, but there’s a lot of porny stuff out there as well (and that’s not even taking into account ‘the darknet‘). Amongst all the Wikipedia articles, TV Tropes index pages, Twitter posts and Facebook shite, there’s a lot of content involving many phrases that your mother would – and probably should – have no idea about.
Everybody has their fetish, be it a busty, voluptuous lady or a handsome, sexy guy* – or more unusually – some like sexy cartoons, others are into furries and a select few are into balloons (seriously, we’re not making this up), but one of the most common on the web is sex chat. Perhaps it’s the highly-anonymous nature of the activity or the way that saucy messages can be received and responded to instantaneously, but it’s a favoured form of online sexy time for a lot of people.
This form of textual intercourse has pervaded all areas of the internet, MMOs included. You’ll find it everywhere, even in World of Warcraft (the infamous Deeprun Tram incident is a prime example of people engaging in sex chat in online games). And why not? After all, it’s just another expression of a natural aspect of human behaviour.
You’d expect to see this kind of thing in games with huge numbers of player like WoW – where there’s people, there is sex – but what about in other, more niche titles?
I’m all for a bit of sexy chat now and again, but you wouldn’t expect to see it when playing Star Trek Online, a title set in one of the most progressive and refined cultures in fictional history, would you?
I was running around Earth Space Dock, one of the most densely-populated areas of the game (and an excellent source of bacon-related chat, for some weird reason), as my awesome Recovered Borg Human – who you may recognise from the epic Three of Ten saga – kitting out my ship and sorting out a new uniform. I was standing beside the tailor, about to indulge in purchasing a new outfit – I seriously spend way too much time on the uniform generator, that ‘randomise’ button is decadent indulgence in electronic form – when I glanced at the chat box in the lower left hand corner of the screen and saw something that made me do a double take: typed, for all to see, were the words:
“Justin takes the tip of Amanda’s skirt between his fingertips, wanting to lift it up, and looks at her for permission.”
I wasn’t shocked by what I read, I was more… intrigued. I turned around to see an attractive, buxom brunette in a yellow version of that tight dress the ladies in The Original Series sometimes wore (probably a fat, naked 40-year-old man IRL) facing a blonde, muscled douchebag in a Science uniform.
Seeing ‘Amanda’ responding semi-positively – she giggled or something, I can’t quite remember – I thought it would be amusing to see how this public display of online flirting would turn out, so I stood beside them and observed, like the voyeur I am.
What follows is a rough transcription of what happened next.
Three of Ten (me): “Carry on, I want to see how this turns out.”
Justin (the douche): “Oh, really? Back off. She’s mine.”
Three of Ten: “You misunderstand: I am merely intrigued by the process of human courting and mating rituals.”
Justin: “In that case, I recommend you research an individual named Ron Jeremy. You’ll probably like his work.”
Three of Ten: “You seem to be quite a fan of him yourself.”
Justin: “Are you broken?”
Three of Ten: “Apologies. My neural interlink isn’t functioning correctly.”
Justin: “You might want to get an upgrade.”
By this point, ‘Amanda’ had already beamed back to her ship without so much as a goodbye, probably bored by the lack of male attention, and before I had a chance to strike back with one of the most awesome retorts in the history of the universe – “As much as you think I should research the topic of dicks, I feel I’ve already learned enough after conversing with you” – Justin had disappeared as well.
I’ve not seen him since. Probably for the best.
What a dick.
*Disclaimer: I have no idea what constitutes a handsome, sexy guy. Did I get it right?
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.