Duke Nukem Forever

… And thus the most difficult review I’ve ever written begins. As is quite obvious from a few different postings here on Ready Up; I’m quite a huge fan of The Duke. I’ve been a fan since I was 6 years too young to legally play the game, and I was one of the merry band who read about Duke Nukem Forever in Official Playstation Magazine back in 1998, so naturally I’ve been squealing myself inside out since Gearbox announced they were finally going to release it. I just wish reviewing it were an easier task.

The hardest part of reviewing Duke Nukem Forever is this: it is not a good game but I loved every second of it that I played. The game has been beaten, battered and bloodied ever since it was first announced, and has been passed reluctantly on to the next developer contestant until finally Gearbox grew some balls and created and released a finished product. Of course the gameplay, the tone, the level design and the various game mechanics are as schizophrenic as all Hell. Of course certain aspects are going to be outdated and questionable – Duke Nukem Forever’s history all but guarantees that this would happen. Any game that went through this particular brand of developer purgatory would face the same inevitable fate. The gameplay can feel dull, the platforming sections are at times ridiculously tedious, and the loading… Oh. Dear. God. The loading! 37 seconds every time you die and respawn or complete a level. Yes, I timed it. I had a lot of time on my hands during loading! It clocks up to 56 if you don’t have it installed to the hard drive. That’s even ignoring the occasional glitching and barely duct-taped-together game engine which DNF runs on.

However, the series had one thing, and one thing only, going for it – Duke Nukem.

The Internet and its respective users have been throttling this game against the wall and punching for the balls as if this game was always the golden God of gaming and was the pinnacle of what we were going to achieve in the medium. It’s DUKE NUKEM. His most famous quotation comes from a Bruce Campbell B-Movie from the early 90s! Why anybody expected the next evolutionary step in First Person Shooters with all this in mind is beyond me. DNF provides what it has always promised: a physical copy of the game (which turned out to be a rather tall order of a promise) and Duke Nukem drinking, swearing, making dumb references and boobs. Let’s not kid ourselves, that’s what the series has always been about and it’s stayed true to the base formula through all of it.

There are a few minor gripes, such as the two weapon limit system and regenerating health, which could be considered a bit of a misstep. However, it does not destroy the feel of the game, it was just a bit of a slip by somebody at some point in the development process. This is the only element of the game which I judge on modern standards because I’d have preferred the old school hundred weapon and medipack system. But shouldn’t you judge the entire game based on modern standards because it’s been released in 2011? NO! Let’s nail this on the head: Duke Nukem Forever is a fan service. If you’ve never played a Duke Nukem game in your life DON’T BUY THIS GAME. Don’t even rent it, don’t even look at a copy on the shelf, completely disregard it and never speak of it again. This game exists because Randy Pitchford at Gearbox was given an opportunity to finally complete and release Duke Nukem Forever and he did it for the fans. He did it because he loved The Duke, because there were still people out there who loved The Duke, and because after 13 years of waiting he wanted to deliver a final product. Not the perfect final product, not a life changing final product, just a final product.

Randy Pitchford was famously quoted as saying “The world needs Duke,” and he is right. In a time where saying the word ‘shit’ has become such a taboo that the word will likely be edited out of my review, and I’m not even brave enough to post a link to a picture of boobs, I’m glad that Duke Nukem is back in action. It wasn’t worth the wait, I’m not in denial about that, but the weight has now been lifted. It’s out there, it’s finished, we can go on with our lives. Gearbox now owns the franchise, and I think we all know this is not going to be the end of The Duke, so with the burden finally released into stores we can give Duke a game which he is worthy of starring in. If he can survive Forever, he can survive anything.

Now… my review score… there is no official singular score. I can’t do it. If you love Duke Nukem, and I mean LOVE, then it’s an easy 9. There are a few tweaks which could have been made but if you’re going in with pure, unadulterated lust for the character and the tone he sets then you will likely love just being able to experience the game in full. If you’ve never played or enjoyed a Duke Nukem game before? If you don’t love his world and all he stands for? Then look at the score I had to scrawl out in my own blood. It’s not completely broken, but you will find no joy in paying for it and playing the product. Nostalgia is a powerful drug and it is what Duke Nukem Forever will thrive on. I’m open and honest about it, the game is an awful, appalling, mangled mess and I am forced to write a number at the end of this review which reflects that; but The Duke? The Duke will always be awesome.

I will stand by you Duke, Forever. Hail to the King, baby.