A Mayor’s Guide To Video Game Food

Well, hi there, everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it? So many familiar faces, it feels rather welcoming. After my Mayor’s Guide to Video Game Christmas bombed as badly as Christine Bleakley and Adrian Charles did when they moved to ITV for DayBreak , I decided to go into early retirement. Well, I wanted to retire, I tried to retire… but, in fact, I failed to retire. Instead I tried to break into the ever so popular and well paid business that is known as show business – specifically the music industry.

I wrote my own song, I wowed my agent with charm and enthusiasm, I even packed my own lunch. I was then told that if I lost a few stone, got an entire body transplant with additional botox and implants I might have a chance to make it big in some place like Taiwan or Canada. Great start don’t you think? So you may be thinking why on earth am I back here writing another one of my rubbish guides to rubbish rubbishness?

Well it turns out that I am back by popular demand… who would have thought it, little ole fat me, having a fan base… of three people. I just feel so proud. My top fan is a delightful young fellow called Scott – he reminds me of when I was in my 20’s – young, free, cocktails and karaoke. They are such fond memories. So because of this wonderful news, and the fact I need the money for the 67 operations to change my skeletal structure, I am here to write you… wait for it… TAA DAAA! A Mayor’s Guide To Video Game Food.

There is a lot of food in video games. Take my Isle Delfino for instance. Covered on all sorts of delicious fruits. Other places in the gaming world have different types of food… and as I am no longer allowed to eat anything with more calories than a small stick of celery, I am going to have to reminisce about a few of my favourite delicacies.

The various types of mushrooms from the mushroom kingdom are probably a good place to start. They have mushrooms that make you big and mushrooms that make you small, some that will build you a small wall to help you hop over obstacles and others that will give your old banger the speed of a Ferrari.

There are also many recipes that use mushrooms, especially in Super Paper Mario. For instance, to make a shroom steak, you need to mix a life shroom with a regular mushroom, to make a volt shroom you need to mixed a thunder rage with a regular mush, and to make an omelette meal you need to mix a mushroom, mixed with errr, um, well an egg. Yummm, a delicious fried egg. No wonder I grew so round and jolly!

Sometimes foods can be a total mystery. Literally a mystery. If you ever find yourself on Mass Effects 2’s Illium, make sure you stop off for a cheeky beverage at the Eternity lounge. The bartender is a lovely Asari; a bit of an older lady but exceedingly charming. I sampled the mystery drink when I was on holiday there last year, and after a few mystery drinks my god did that Asari look… well, aesthetically pleasing to the eye.

I would not, on the other hand, recommend a Poison Dart Frog. Originally native to the rain forests of Central and South America. Poison Dart Frogs carry enough deadly toxin to kill 25 human beings. Yes those human beings again. Human beings shouldn’t even touch the little buggers for fear of being poisoned. And anyway, they do taste very bad. Very bad indeed. Yes, my species is immune to the deadly poison but that doesn’t mean it tastes any good. I’d rather eat a KFC Double Down covered in… another, much larger KFC Double Down. I would also not advise any of the stars of the Frogger games to accidentally wander near a hungry Snake.

So here it is!

Carb loading, carb loading yeeeah!
Sweet eating, sweet eating yeeeah!
Iced bun bun bun!!
Lookin’ forward to a fryyyyy up…

(Eeeeerrrrrrrrgh…. cough. cough…)

Oh dear, I’ve worked up such an appetite now, where’s a poison tree frog when you need it?